Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who has this with his wife who didn’t want to work even after the kids were in full time school and he was going crazy hours and traveling and wanted to pull back. They are room mate situation till the youngest graduates then the plan is divorce (they both agree). Ironically she has had to find a job anyway bc she won’t get alimony where they live unless she has a job too. Is kind of a shame she didn’t just do it earlier but could have made no difference also

I don’t understand why some people (men or women) think it’s ok to just drop the financial burden squarely on the other spouse. Even if one has a lower income potential than the other, it just makes the working spouse feel used if there is no effort at all.

+2

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who has this with his wife who didn’t want to work even after the kids were in full time school and he was going crazy hours and traveling and wanted to pull back. They are room mate situation till the youngest graduates then the plan is divorce (they both agree). Ironically she has had to find a job anyway bc she won’t get alimony where they live unless she has a job too. Is kind of a shame she didn’t just do it earlier but could have made no difference also

I don’t understand why some people (men or women) think it’s ok to just drop the financial burden squarely on the other spouse. Even if one has a lower income potential than the other, it just makes the working spouse feel used if there is no effort at all.

+1

Anonymous wrote:I have a friend who has this with his wife who didn’t want to work even after the kids were in full time school and he was going crazy hours and traveling and wanted to pull back. They are room mate situation till the youngest graduates then the plan is divorce (they both agree). Ironically she has had to find a job anyway bc she won’t get alimony where they live unless she has a job too. Is kind of a shame she didn’t just do it earlier but could have made no difference also

I don’t understand why some people (men or women) think it’s ok to just drop the financial burden squarely on the other spouse. Even if one has a lower income potential than the other, it just makes the working spouse feel used if there is no effort at all.

I have a friend who has this with his wife who didn’t want to work even after the kids were in full time school and he was going crazy hours and traveling and wanted to pull back. They are room mate situation till the youngest graduates then the plan is divorce (they both agree). Ironically she has had to find a job anyway bc she won’t get alimony where they live unless she has a job too. Is kind of a shame she didn’t just do it earlier but could have made no difference also

Anonymous wrote:No, it never came back. He really only 'felt' it because it affected our sex life and he cared about that, but he never made the connection.

We divorced. It was easy enough for me because I had money. If I hadn't I would imagine we would be leading separate lives and it would have been awful for the kids.

Didn’t the divorce cost you a ton if you were the one with the money/income? It’s not easy parting with 1/2 of all you’ve earned/invested over the decades?

No, it never came back. He really only 'felt' it because it affected our sex life and he cared about that, but he never made the connection.

We divorced. It was easy enough for me because I had money. If I hadn't I would imagine we would be leading separate lives and it would have been awful for the kids.

Anonymous wrote:Rhiannon’s a very difficult situation. I would love to hear if anyone found respect for their spouse again after they changed their ways? Eg the DH who doesn’t have a good work history, if he were to start working reliably again, would the respect come back?

^ don’t know where Rhiannon came from - meant to say “this is“

Rhiannon’s a very difficult situation. I would love to hear if anyone found respect for their spouse again after they changed their ways? Eg the DH who doesn’t have a good work history, if he were to start working reliably again, would the respect come back?

"death by 1,000 cuts" describes my situation, though it was only more like 100, and some of them were DEEP (porn addiction despite repeated requests for more intimacy, violence toward me, financial abuse). I carried it as long as I could, but then he took his issues out on one of our kids. That was it.

If someone treated your kid the way you're being treated, would you want them to leave? If you answer "yes", you need to respect yourself enough to leave (and teach your kid(s) self-respect in the process, no matter how rough it gets).

I have lost respect completely. Staying until kids can better advocate for themselves. We do everything separately. He refuses to get help. Lack of respect due to his lying and lack of working full time for 9 years and not financially contributing and now his meanness towards me. We live separate lives.

Anonymous wrote:My friend dealt with this. She made it work as long as she could until the resentment got to be too much. She left when the kids were in middle and high school. She is very happy now. It’s been about 5 years, one kid is in college, the other high school. She’s early 50s and single but has a very healthy dating life.

What was her tipping point?
I do think about it but am not willing to divide time with the kids. Maybe later. It just infuses everything at this point.

You have to come to terms with your spouse not being the domestic partner you want them to be. Do or outsource the things you care about. Stop negotiating with or nagging or reminding your spouse. They are in charge of themselves. You are in charge of yourself. You’re really not a team on house stuff. Kid stuff, try to divide and conquer and when your spouse is in charge, you should be physically absent. Just leave.

There’s a really good chance your spouse won’t step up and you’ll end up divorced. But that’s true now! You have to stop trying to control them and just let the chips fall where they may. He is who he is and he’s the captain of his own boat.

My friend dealt with this. She made it work as long as she could until the resentment got to be too much. She left when the kids were in middle and high school. She is very happy now. It’s been about 5 years, one kid is in college, the other high school. She’s early 50s and single but has a very healthy dating life.

MLead your own life to the extent that you can. Hire help to fill in gaps when possible. Lower expectations. Like way, way lower.

Give up the image of the life you thought you’d have. Do you think about leaving when kids are in college? Until then, just try to make it through.

You cannot make yourself respect him/her. The situation you’re in sucks, but you’re not alone.

What did you do and did it ever come back? What precipitated loss of respect?

My issue is chronic lack of proactivity and organization resulting in extreme inequity that spouse is ok with.

(If this does not apply to you feel free to scroll by, would love to hear from those who have navigated)