Anonymous
05/18/2024 11:05
Subject: Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m a childless fifty year old who has taken care of many elderly relatives in a variety of settings.
I’ve pretty much decided I’d rather die puttering around my apartment and falling than in a nursing home.
What are her finances like ? Could she or you afford home caregivers?
It’s not all about you. This attitude is so self-centered and selfish.
Dementia patients left on their own become a danger to everyone else. Their neighbors, first responders, random innocent people.
NP here. No, this poster's attitude is not "selfish." Can you truly not understand the horror and stress of having to move from your familiar home, losing everything you recognize and what remaining independence and control you have all at once? There have been many studies proving that moving into nursing home/care shortens the life of the patient. It's a monumental and horrible thing, though of course some families must do it for financial reasons.
The other poster asked about the mother's finances. Some people actually can afford quality demential care at home. It's a valid question when you consider what is at stake.
I've seen three relatives go into assisted living and nursing homes at very plush facilities, and it was terrible always. It was not the ideal way to spend your last years. Frankly, it was hellish. And these were the "best" facilities.
Like that PP, I'd rather die at home, or just die. Let's not pretend these places are ideal, or that the trauma is not real for the inmate.
Serious question here. What's hellish and terrible about it that's not related to the patient's dementia - which they'll have at home anyway? isn't it better to have not only caretakers but also a community of people their age around, so they're not isolated?
Anonymous
05/18/2024 11:00
Subject: Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home
So move her in with you if she can't be alone.
Anonymous
05/18/2024 10:59
Subject: Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m a childless fifty year old who has taken care of many elderly relatives in a variety of settings.
I’ve pretty much decided I’d rather die puttering around my apartment and falling than in a nursing home.
What are her finances like ? Could she or you afford home caregivers?
It’s not all about you. This attitude is so self-centered and selfish.
Dementia patients left on their own become a danger to everyone else. Their neighbors, first responders, random innocent people.
NP here. No, this poster's attitude is not "selfish." Can you truly not understand the horror and stress of having to move from your familiar home, losing everything you recognize and what remaining independence and control you have all at once? There have been many studies proving that moving into nursing home/care shortens the life of the patient. It's a monumental and horrible thing, though of course some families must do it for financial reasons.
The other poster asked about the mother's finances. Some people actually can afford quality demential care at home. It's a valid question when you consider what is at stake.
I've seen three relatives go into assisted living and nursing homes at very plush facilities, and it was terrible always. It was not the ideal way to spend your last years. Frankly, it was hellish. And these were the "best" facilities.
Like that PP, I'd rather die at home, or just die. Let's not pretend these places are ideal, or that the trauma is not real for the inmate.
Anonymous
05/18/2024 10:58
Subject: Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home
Anonymous wrote:Tell her the house needs repairs so you found a place for her to go until they’re done. When she brings it up later tell her it’s still getting repaired. Tell her the place she’ll be at temporarily is the best in the area and that there was a huge waitlist but they were nice enough to make an exception for her. Don’t sell it as a nursing home.
You have to try to detach as much as possible and come to terms with the fact that at this stage of their lives their safety trumps their happiness.
No, especially at the end of someone’s life their happiness trumps their safety. You got it backwards. Think about what you would want if you found out you had one year to live. Would eeking out one more day be your priority? No - f that. You’d eat all the ice cream and go skydiving.
Now, other people’s safety does trump someone’s happiness, so risking other people’s heath and safety isn’t acceptable. That means no car, and you may need to disconnect the stove. Microwave and electric kettle only. If they start to be a problem for neighbors (ringing doorbell late at night, yelling at children) then their own happiness has to take a backseat.
Anonymous
05/18/2024 10:51
Subject: Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home
I have a wealthy relative with round the clock care at home, and it’s just a private nursing home. That has pluses and minuses honestly.
Everyone thinks they could iust fall and die at home but in reality it would probably be a lot slower, more painful and horrible than that.
Everyone thinks they could iust fall and die at home but in reality it would probably be a lot slower, more painful and horrible than that.
Anonymous
05/18/2024 10:48
Subject: Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home
I know a couple with dementia who stayed in their home until the end.
They were wealthy enough for round the clock care, and their son and DIL lived in the house right next door, and were able to pop in and out as needed, manage the nurses and hired help, and organize medical appointments.
I cannot emphasize enough how unusual of a set-up this is. If the children live far away, they cannot monitor the caregiving and medical appointments. If the money isn't there, caregiving cannot happen unless one or more children given up their entire lives to caring for their parents.
This is why most patients with dementia are better off in memory care. With frequent visits, to check that they were reasonably looked after.
They were wealthy enough for round the clock care, and their son and DIL lived in the house right next door, and were able to pop in and out as needed, manage the nurses and hired help, and organize medical appointments.
I cannot emphasize enough how unusual of a set-up this is. If the children live far away, they cannot monitor the caregiving and medical appointments. If the money isn't there, caregiving cannot happen unless one or more children given up their entire lives to caring for their parents.
This is why most patients with dementia are better off in memory care. With frequent visits, to check that they were reasonably looked after.
Anonymous
05/18/2024 10:44
Subject: Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home
Yes to therapeutic lying, but please go tour some assisted living places. These are not the nightmare nursing homes you or she is imagining. My mother is absolutely thriving in hers after being depressed and undernourished and dirty at home.
Anonymous
05/18/2024 10:42
Subject: Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’m a childless fifty year old who has taken care of many elderly relatives in a variety of settings.
I’ve pretty much decided I’d rather die puttering around my apartment and falling than in a nursing home.
What are her finances like ? Could she or you afford home caregivers?
It’s not all about you. This attitude is so self-centered and selfish.
Dementia patients left on their own become a danger to everyone else. Their neighbors, first responders, random innocent people.
Nah, I am team stay at home.
Anonymous
05/18/2024 10:40
Subject: Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home
Anonymous wrote:I’m a childless fifty year old who has taken care of many elderly relatives in a variety of settings.
I’ve pretty much decided I’d rather die puttering around my apartment and falling than in a nursing home.
What are her finances like ? Could she or you afford home caregivers?
It’s not all about you. This attitude is so self-centered and selfish.
Dementia patients left on their own become a danger to everyone else. Their neighbors, first responders, random innocent people.
Anonymous
05/18/2024 10:19
Subject: Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home
How is she living now?
When my aunt was hospitalized, we just didn't return her home. She didn't have much of a choice. She was angry about it until she died four years later but we didn't know what else to do.
When my aunt was hospitalized, we just didn't return her home. She didn't have much of a choice. She was angry about it until she died four years later but we didn't know what else to do.
Anonymous
05/18/2024 10:02
Subject: Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home
Tell her the house needs repairs so you found a place for her to go until they’re done. When she brings it up later tell her it’s still getting repaired. Tell her the place she’ll be at temporarily is the best in the area and that there was a huge waitlist but they were nice enough to make an exception for her. Don’t sell it as a nursing home.
You have to try to detach as much as possible and come to terms with the fact that at this stage of their lives their safety trumps their happiness.
You have to try to detach as much as possible and come to terms with the fact that at this stage of their lives their safety trumps their happiness.
Anonymous
05/18/2024 09:52
Subject: Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home
Super dependent. If she lived in her home she would need 24/7 care. We’d be called all of the time.
Anonymous
05/18/2024 08:41
Subject: Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home
Therapeutic lying. House needs to be fumigated; doctor wants her to recover for a few weeks (only works after a fall etc). How bad is her dementia? Will she forget you told her?
Also yes does she need 24/7 watching? (Does she wander? Will she drive or hurt herself or others if unattended?) or is she just losing short term memory ?
Also yes does she need 24/7 watching? (Does she wander? Will she drive or hurt herself or others if unattended?) or is she just losing short term memory ?
Anonymous
05/18/2024 08:18
Subject: Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home
I’m a childless fifty year old who has taken care of many elderly relatives in a variety of settings.
I’ve pretty much decided I’d rather die puttering around my apartment and falling than in a nursing home.
What are her finances like ? Could she or you afford home caregivers?
I’ve pretty much decided I’d rather die puttering around my apartment and falling than in a nursing home.
What are her finances like ? Could she or you afford home caregivers?
Anonymous
05/18/2024 08:16
Subject: Mom says she’d rather live in the streets than nursing home
So my mom became unhinged when we told her she needs to go to a nursing home. Threatening to take pills to take her life and lashing out. She has dementia and can’t walk well. She can’t live alone.