Anonymous wrote:My DH absolutely hates when I take someone else’s side. He thinks I intentionally choose to agree with the opposition just because he disagrees. I just won’t lie to protect his feelings!

I have learned to lie to protect my DH's feelings when it comes to (1) his workplace, and (2) his family. Not every time but sometimes. If we're talking mutual friends, that's different, I will tell him what I actually think because I have a relationship with that person too and if my DH is being unreasonable that can impact me.

But if he's venting about a work situation, his behavior would have to be *very* bad for me to take the other person's side because it is just not worth it. I wasn't there, I might be missing some nuance, plus sometimes someone just needs to hear support and not criticism of how they handled something. A lot of times I think he knows he handled something poorly and just doesn't want that confirmed of him.

And with his family, I urge him to have some patience/forebearance with his mom because she's elderly and a widow and I think sometimes he can be a bit harsh. But with his siblings? Eh, I'll just take his side. I value my relationship with my DH a lot more than my relationship with his brother, who I don't even really like, so what is the point in trying to set him straight on the very rare occasions when I think DH might actually be in the wrong. Again, if it were very bad behavior I would say something, but it's usually something super minor where it doesn't really matter.

Sometimes instead of weighing in on the conflict at all, I just say "I'm always on your side." Often that's all he really wants to hear anyway.

My DH absolutely hates when I take someone else’s side. He thinks I intentionally choose to agree with the opposition just because he disagrees. I just won’t lie to protect his feelings!

I sometimes deliberately misunderstand so I can seem to be agreeing, only I don't:

"Wow, it's terrible that they said they'd hold it for you and then sold it anyway. Were they at least fast about returning your deposit?" when the friend didn't put down a deposit.

Good friends are honest. You tell this friend the truth they need to hear.

I usually move on from that friendship.

I love you, but you’re wrong in this case.

Anonymous wrote:What do you do in this case?

Depends. If they are talking shyt about someone, and that someone is nice to me, I will simply say "oh, I have never had a problem with them, myself". In other words, the issue is between them, not me; and this is not middle school.

I tell them the truth.

I've this happen with my two best friends. We can level with each other, so I tell them, diplomatically, the other side of the arguments, just so they can reflect on them on their own time. They do this to me too. It's very helpful to all of us.

However I had this happen recently with a friend, not a best friend, about Israel's war in Gaza. We have very different opinions on it. I don't want to argue with her, because it's too emotional and I don't think our friendship would survive. So I listen to her vent about it, ask a few questions that try to open her mind to other points of view, and never tell her my opinion. She probably knows I don't agree with her, but there is no fight, since I don't participate.

Anonymous wrote:Taking their side when it involves your relationship with others - is very different - than taking their side when it doesn't concern/affect your relationships.

If you don't know or interact with "the enemy" go ahead and listen, support, and say, "yay, you are totally right!!"

This. If it involves someone you have a relationship with, you can always say "I don't want to get in the middle of it."

If it has nothing to do with you, just support your friend.

I have a friend who has repeatedly let other people down (mostly by bailing on events at the last minute) and when she tells me, she tries to get me to agree that she was right to skip. I don’t flat out call her on it but I say, yeah but I’m sure the other person was upset too because they expected you to be there. I’m hoping one day that clicks in her mind and she considers it before she cancels on people.

Taking their side when it involves your relationship with others - is very different - than taking their side when it doesn't concern/affect your relationships.

If you don't know or interact with "the enemy" go ahead and listen, support, and say, "yay, you are totally right!!"

It really, really depends on what the thing they are wrong about is.

Like, if a friend feels the waiter was rude because he didn't bring a second round of bread before dinner, and I think my friend is being ridiculous for no good reason, I might just say something vague like "oh yeah, their bread is really good, that would have been nice."

But if a friend rear ended someone because she was looking at her phone and she wants me to agree that actually the other driver slammed on their brakes, I will just say "no, you were looking at your phone, you had time to stop" because I do not want them to think I'll lie on their behalf in a lawsuit.

If on the other hand the friend is wrong about something that is fully their business and I am not really entitled to an opinion, like if they think their sister is enmeshed with their parents but I actually think my friend is just jealous that her sister is closer to their parents than she is and is using therapy-speak to make her sister sound bad, I will still fully take my friends side and say stuff like "ugh that is so frustrating" and "yes, it's annoying your parents can't see the the dynamic is bad" because even though I think she's wrong it's not my family and it's not my place to try and set her straight, plus she's looking for a friend to support her with a difficult family thing and I will just do it.

So it is just extremely context dependent.

I hear what you’re saying.
Wow, that sounds very difficult. What do you think you will do?
Wow, and then what happened?

Pick one aspect of the dispute you do agree with her about and latch onto that:
Yes, it sounds terrible the way that they didn’t include you in the lunch. That must have felt terrible.

What do you do in this case?