Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.

I think this is largely true HOWEVER, I wouldn’t be so sure that we are not all capable of it under the “right” circumstances. Ie my husband is not a cheater but it’s not totally impossible that one day in a particular situation, he might not be tempted beyond his own expectations.

No that's not how it works. If you think that, you are a cheater who has been really good at not cheating. Congrats to you.

Non-cheaters... just never enters the realm of possibility.

NP and I don’t think this is true in general in life. Yes, a person’s character matters but there are many examples of generally decent people who have been in situations where they did not do the right thing. Sometimes “character” is more or less a product of circumstance and a person should not be defined by their worst actions.

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.

I don't know about this. I use to think that. I never thought my spouse was the type of person who would ever cheat and they did. I'm a pretty judge of character and I would have said they weren't a cheater by character. It appears that life is not so black and white.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.

I think this is largely true HOWEVER, I wouldn’t be so sure that we are not all capable of it under the “right” circumstances. Ie my husband is not a cheater but it’s not totally impossible that one day in a particular situation, he might not be tempted beyond his own expectations.

No that's not how it works. If you think that, you are a cheater who has been really good at not cheating. Congrats to you.

Non-cheaters... just never enters the realm of possibility.

Anonymous wrote:Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.

I think this is largely true HOWEVER, I wouldn’t be so sure that we are not all capable of it under the “right” circumstances. Ie my husband is not a cheater but it’s not totally impossible that one day in a particular situation, he might not be tempted beyond his own expectations.

Cheaters cheat, non-cheaters don't cheat

Is your wife character... a cheater or not.

That is your answer.

I’m of the opinion that if you feel uncomfortable about something that your partner is doing you should feel comfortable talking to your spouse without fear of anger or the silent treatment.

Trust and listen to your gut. Texts and emails can be deleted. I know because I'm going through this right now. I thought we were relatively happily married. I did not listen to my gut. Something that started as an innocent friendship can very slowly and easily drop by drop evolve into something else. I may drop it now but I would keep a very close eye on it. My DH deleted texts. They didn't message on the regular iMessage but used a different platform but cleaned it up every 10 daysish. You may want to keep an eye on where she is on Find My Phone. If you all use 360, just know she can easily turn it off. It's probably nothing but I was also told for a long time it was nothing. Trust your gut. Is he a guy you would trust? Does he seem happily married?

They would not sit next to each other if anything was going on.

She has a crush on the guy, but they haven’t taken it to the next level.

Tell her you don’t want solo contact between them and you or his wife must always be included in texts.

Yeah dude, I'm with you. It's weird.

Anonymous wrote:If there’s nothing in the texts for years then there’s nothing going on

Agree.

And don’t hide behind the “perception” excuse. Makes you look weak.

Is he more attractive than you?

You sound insecure. That’s not sexy.

She is wildly overreacting to you reading her texts.

Also, texts can deleted so not sure that this helped. Emails can be deleted too. Internet history can be cleared. Without an IT background and a lot of work, checking her phone won’t yield useful information even if she was.

She probably has feelings for him. I know I would in that situation. What you don’t know is if she did anything with those feelings and you may never know.

You sound jealous and possessive.

If there’s nothing in the texts for years then there’s nothing going on

Married 10 yrs, 2 kids. Both in our 40s.
We have a good group of neighbors whom we've known since we moved in 10yrs ago. Pizza parties, pool parties, school events, pta, etc One married neighbor Ryan is particularly social, loves to host, volunteers for stuff. Liked by all, including me.

My dw and him hit it off immediately as friends. I'm not a possessive jealous type and was cool with it. But as time went on there were things that raised my suspicions, but I didn't say anything to dw.

My dw has been SAHM and Ryan was WFH with flexible hours. They started exercising together a few days a week. This lasted maybe a year then COVID hit and they haven't resumed. They had/have other shared activities with school, etc.

Our marriage is good for the most part. I'm trusting and like that she can have her own friends and activities.

This may sound odd, but I'm just now taking in many years of observations and I'm having concerns. I've noticed that whenever my dw is in the same room with Ryan, she is in his orbit. If the neighbors sit down around a table to socialize, chances are really good she sits next to Ryan. My sense is that there is 0 chance others haven't noticed this as well. Including his wife!

This week I went through my dw texts since I know they text. It's a violation of trust and I hate myself for it, but I had to know. They have a solo text chain that goes back years. Mostly innocent and innocuous stuff.

I told my dw about my observations and feelings on the matter. I couldn't tell her reaction exactly, but she seemed hurt. Not angry. I told her I wasn't accusing her of anything. It's just that perceptions might be different. She asked why I would bring it up now, not a few years back when they were exercising together - which she thought might have crossed a line. She claims today they only have occasional interaction but don't communicate much. I don't know...

Anyway, she's shut down for now giving me the silent treatment. Not sure how to proceed.