Anonymous
04/26/2024 11:40
Subject: Re:s/o adult children, one with mental challenges
TYs to everyone who has responded here. Especially appreciate the unanticipated scenarios - there's always one.
I also had a sibling, but with a developmental disability, not a mental health issue. Sibling lived with our parents, then one, for most of their lives. Sibling was fairly easy going and largely able to take care of themselves though not really able to live alone (moved into a group home for last years of life). There was no family money and the state provided a modest amount for care - the community infrastructure was very good, so there wasn't really a worry about their well-being.
We know it could be very different, however, with our DC. We don't want to burden the other sibling, but it's hard for me as I grew up knowing that we siblings would have this role one day. That said, I'm probably the one driving the train on making sure that our other child doesn't have to do this if it comes to that.
I also had a sibling, but with a developmental disability, not a mental health issue. Sibling lived with our parents, then one, for most of their lives. Sibling was fairly easy going and largely able to take care of themselves though not really able to live alone (moved into a group home for last years of life). There was no family money and the state provided a modest amount for care - the community infrastructure was very good, so there wasn't really a worry about their well-being.
We know it could be very different, however, with our DC. We don't want to burden the other sibling, but it's hard for me as I grew up knowing that we siblings would have this role one day. That said, I'm probably the one driving the train on making sure that our other child doesn't have to do this if it comes to that.
Anonymous
04/26/2024 11:27
Subject: s/o adult children, one with mental challenges
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We have 2 adult kids, both early 20s, and one has had a mental illness for the last few years. So far all has been good with meds, but that can change if they become med resistant.
We are working on a new will version and interested what others may have done here. Do we split assets in half, then split that in half for both kids and leave the remaining half if the one DC is unable to work and care for themselves? Also do that to safeguard the money from any possible exploitation? Or divide all in half and hope for the best? Don't want the one kid to feel financially responsible for the other, so am interested in protecting the money. Yet also want to operate out of respect for both kids, etc.
Appreciate any insights.
Use some of the money now to go to trust attorney. Have it set up so your one child does not have to mourn you when die and set up taking care of an adult sibling. A trust attorney can talk you through options.
This. If the child with mental illness may go on disability in the future, you want a trust structured so that he doesn't lose eligibility for benefits. Go to an attorney with experience with SN trusts.
yes, good point - ty.
Anonymous
04/26/2024 09:23
Subject: s/o adult children, one with mental challenges
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We have 2 adult kids, both early 20s, and one has had a mental illness for the last few years. So far all has been good with meds, but that can change if they become med resistant.
We are working on a new will version and interested what others may have done here. Do we split assets in half, then split that in half for both kids and leave the remaining half if the one DC is unable to work and care for themselves? Also do that to safeguard the money from any possible exploitation? Or divide all in half and hope for the best? Don't want the one kid to feel financially responsible for the other, so am interested in protecting the money. Yet also want to operate out of respect for both kids, etc.
Appreciate any insights.
Use some of the money now to go to trust attorney. Have it set up so your one child does not have to mourn you when die and set up taking care of an adult sibling. A trust attorney can talk you through options.
This. If the child with mental illness may go on disability in the future, you want a trust structured so that he doesn't lose eligibility for benefits. Go to an attorney with experience with SN trusts.
Anonymous
04/26/2024 09:17
Subject: s/o adult children, one with mental challenges
"...my brother got married and now lives with a wife and her two adult kids from a previous marriage + one grandchild + her mother : none of whom work and all are trying to live on the allowance my parents give to my brother. It's a miserable nightmare."
I'm PP above with brother who lost house. I think this is a very important issue to address: the fact that siblings have the legal right to marry to whomever they choose - and there are grifters aplenty out there willing to take advantage of ANYTHING they can get their grubby hands on.
Years ago, my brother at had a brief relationship with a recently released felon who made it clear she had no interest in changing her ways. She was happy to take whatever little he had, and he willingly followed her around on her escapades. We lived in terror that he might be stupid enough to marry her. Thank goodness he didn't and she quickly wound up back in jail.
I'm PP above with brother who lost house. I think this is a very important issue to address: the fact that siblings have the legal right to marry to whomever they choose - and there are grifters aplenty out there willing to take advantage of ANYTHING they can get their grubby hands on.
Years ago, my brother at had a brief relationship with a recently released felon who made it clear she had no interest in changing her ways. She was happy to take whatever little he had, and he willingly followed her around on her escapades. We lived in terror that he might be stupid enough to marry her. Thank goodness he didn't and she quickly wound up back in jail.
Anonymous
04/26/2024 08:03
Subject: s/o adult children, one with mental challenges
Anonymous wrote:My parents wanted to split things 50/50 between me & my brother. I'm the responsible one; my brother has struggled with mental and physical health problems his entire life.
My parents' will puts my brother's half (including the house he lives in) of the inheritance into a trust. To save fees, I will be the trustee, but only agreed to this role so long as my parents agreed to initiate financial limits now, while they are still alive. So my brother currently gets a regular allowance and needs to live within that money. I did not want to be the one to have to set that up (prior to this, my parents just gave him a cc and covered all of his costs).
But of course, you can't plan for everything. All went well for the first few years. Since then, my brother got married and now lives with a wife and her two adult kids from a previous marriage + one grandchild + her mother : none of whom work and all are trying to live on the allowance my parents give to my brother. It's a miserable nightmare.
I've just accepted the fact that all I will be able to do is honor my pledge to keep the trust solvent for as long as possible and mete out the allowance, understanding that this burgeoning family's needs will quickly outstrip whatever funds are there, and they will resent me and complain about my stinginess.
Initially, I had thought to secretly keep my half of my parents' estate in reserve to help my brother out. But it's really hard to want to do that when there are 5 adults who refuse to lift a finger to help themselves. It's a mess and will only get messier. Once my parents pass, I am seriously inclined to step down as trustee and just hire the job out. But those management fees will drain the trust even faster...
This. OP should assume this will happen. Please be kind to both children and do not put your parenting burdens on one child.
To above poster, I am sorry it is hard and for my own mental health I would already step down and would do while parents alive so they and sibling can see what will be in place when parents gone and the 5 living off allowance already know not to come to me.
Anonymous
04/26/2024 06:21
Subject: s/o adult children, one with mental challenges
My parents wanted to split things 50/50 between me & my brother. I'm the responsible one; my brother has struggled with mental and physical health problems his entire life.
My parents' will puts my brother's half (including the house he lives in) of the inheritance into a trust. To save fees, I will be the trustee, but only agreed to this role so long as my parents agreed to initiate financial limits now, while they are still alive. So my brother currently gets a regular allowance and needs to live within that money. I did not want to be the one to have to set that up (prior to this, my parents just gave him a cc and covered all of his costs).
But of course, you can't plan for everything. All went well for the first few years. Since then, my brother got married and now lives with a wife and her two adult kids from a previous marriage + one grandchild + her mother : none of whom work and all are trying to live on the allowance my parents give to my brother. It's a miserable nightmare.
I've just accepted the fact that all I will be able to do is honor my pledge to keep the trust solvent for as long as possible and mete out the allowance, understanding that this burgeoning family's needs will quickly outstrip whatever funds are there, and they will resent me and complain about my stinginess.
Initially, I had thought to secretly keep my half of my parents' estate in reserve to help my brother out. But it's really hard to want to do that when there are 5 adults who refuse to lift a finger to help themselves. It's a mess and will only get messier. Once my parents pass, I am seriously inclined to step down as trustee and just hire the job out. But those management fees will drain the trust even faster...
My parents' will puts my brother's half (including the house he lives in) of the inheritance into a trust. To save fees, I will be the trustee, but only agreed to this role so long as my parents agreed to initiate financial limits now, while they are still alive. So my brother currently gets a regular allowance and needs to live within that money. I did not want to be the one to have to set that up (prior to this, my parents just gave him a cc and covered all of his costs).
But of course, you can't plan for everything. All went well for the first few years. Since then, my brother got married and now lives with a wife and her two adult kids from a previous marriage + one grandchild + her mother : none of whom work and all are trying to live on the allowance my parents give to my brother. It's a miserable nightmare.
I've just accepted the fact that all I will be able to do is honor my pledge to keep the trust solvent for as long as possible and mete out the allowance, understanding that this burgeoning family's needs will quickly outstrip whatever funds are there, and they will resent me and complain about my stinginess.
Initially, I had thought to secretly keep my half of my parents' estate in reserve to help my brother out. But it's really hard to want to do that when there are 5 adults who refuse to lift a finger to help themselves. It's a mess and will only get messier. Once my parents pass, I am seriously inclined to step down as trustee and just hire the job out. But those management fees will drain the trust even faster...
Anonymous
04/25/2024 21:40
Subject: s/o adult children, one with mental challenges
PP, thanks for following up and sharing insights. The trust idea for the house (or other real estate) as well as a third party agent to handle money in the younger years sound like good ideas. Really want to do whatever we can to increase the prospects of a good relationship over the arc of time, especially after we are gone.
Anonymous
04/25/2024 21:10
Subject: s/o adult children, one with mental challenges
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:"Don't want the one kid to feel financially responsible for the other..."
This can be a nightmare and I'd not put that burden on the sibling. All that happens is they get thrust into the role of a parent, with an added helping of the challenged sibling's anger and resentment thrown in for good measure.
My parents left money (some in a trust) for my challenged sibling. The small amount of money he had immediately available he blew through in two months' time.
I had to administer the trust. He would frequently call me IRATE that I wouldn't give him "his" money. It was no picnic and it's not a job I'd want any sibling to do for another.
This went on for years. A cloud over MY head - the responsible one.
Then he reached middle age and he was allowed the balance of the trust. He also blew through that in no time.
Now he is elderly and I'm still looking out for him financially. There is not a lot of government help for poor, elderly people so I have wound up subsidizing his basic living expenses - out of my pocket.
If I did not, he would literally be living in a tent at the side of the road.
I'm so sorry - that's incredibly difficult.
In light of where you and your sibling are in your later years, would you want your parents to have handled the money differently? A third party handling the trust?
Again, I'm so sorry.
Thanks for your kind words. It's not been easy but as the saying goes, "He ain't heavy, he's my brother." We do care deeply for each other and that's the primary reason I'm still in the game. I know his mental/emotional challenges are something that he didn't ask for which makes it a bit easier to accept.
If it were possible, it might have been easier having someone else administer the trust for him when he was younger. I didn't need the stress of getting berated and it (temporarily) affected our relationship negatively. Thankfully, his temper and volatility have died down quite a bit since then, especially since he's aged.
For hindsight, 20/20: At one point, we allowed him to buy us (siblings) out of my mother's small house after her death, for a very below market cost. At that stage he had been pretty stable for a few years and was managing well. His mortgage was laughably low - like $300 a month. This is where we made our mistake, I think.
We should have looked at doing some sort of trust for the house and made that a condition of him living there. We could have been able to maintain it and oversee it. As it was, he wound up losing it/foreclosure within a few years after he lapsed and had another mental health set-back. If we had done that, he would not have lost the house and he'd have a roof over his head for the rest of his life.
He has been in a rental since he began collecting Social Security. I live in fear should his landlord not renew his lease, as there is nowhere affordable for him to go. The only possible option may be renting an older mobile home, but even those are getting out of reach.
Anonymous
04/25/2024 13:58
Subject: s/o adult children, one with mental challenges
Anonymous wrote:"Don't want the one kid to feel financially responsible for the other..."
This can be a nightmare and I'd not put that burden on the sibling. All that happens is they get thrust into the role of a parent, with an added helping of the challenged sibling's anger and resentment thrown in for good measure.
My parents left money (some in a trust) for my challenged sibling. The small amount of money he had immediately available he blew through in two months' time.
I had to administer the trust. He would frequently call me IRATE that I wouldn't give him "his" money. It was no picnic and it's not a job I'd want any sibling to do for another.
This went on for years. A cloud over MY head - the responsible one.
Then he reached middle age and he was allowed the balance of the trust. He also blew through that in no time.
Now he is elderly and I'm still looking out for him financially. There is not a lot of government help for poor, elderly people so I have wound up subsidizing his basic living expenses - out of my pocket.
If I did not, he would literally be living in a tent at the side of the road.
I'm so sorry - that's incredibly difficult.
In light of where you and your sibling are in your later years, would you want your parents to have handled the money differently? A third party handling the trust?
Again, I'm so sorry.
Anonymous
04/24/2024 20:57
Subject: s/o adult children, one with mental challenges
"Don't want the one kid to feel financially responsible for the other..."
This can be a nightmare and I'd not put that burden on the sibling. All that happens is they get thrust into the role of a parent, with an added helping of the challenged sibling's anger and resentment thrown in for good measure.
My parents left money (some in a trust) for my challenged sibling. The small amount of money he had immediately available he blew through in two months' time.
I had to administer the trust. He would frequently call me IRATE that I wouldn't give him "his" money. It was no picnic and it's not a job I'd want any sibling to do for another.
This went on for years. A cloud over MY head - the responsible one.
Then he reached middle age and he was allowed the balance of the trust. He also blew through that in no time.
Now he is elderly and I'm still looking out for him financially. There is not a lot of government help for poor, elderly people so I have wound up subsidizing his basic living expenses - out of my pocket.
If I did not, he would literally be living in a tent at the side of the road.
This can be a nightmare and I'd not put that burden on the sibling. All that happens is they get thrust into the role of a parent, with an added helping of the challenged sibling's anger and resentment thrown in for good measure.
My parents left money (some in a trust) for my challenged sibling. The small amount of money he had immediately available he blew through in two months' time.
I had to administer the trust. He would frequently call me IRATE that I wouldn't give him "his" money. It was no picnic and it's not a job I'd want any sibling to do for another.
This went on for years. A cloud over MY head - the responsible one.
Then he reached middle age and he was allowed the balance of the trust. He also blew through that in no time.
Now he is elderly and I'm still looking out for him financially. There is not a lot of government help for poor, elderly people so I have wound up subsidizing his basic living expenses - out of my pocket.
If I did not, he would literally be living in a tent at the side of the road.
Anonymous
04/24/2024 20:20
Subject: s/o adult children, one with mental challenges
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We have 2 adult kids, both early 20s, and one has had a mental illness for the last few years. So far all has been good with meds, but that can change if they become med resistant.
We are working on a new will version and interested what others may have done here. Do we split assets in half, then split that in half for both kids and leave the remaining half if the one DC is unable to work and care for themselves? Also do that to safeguard the money from any possible exploitation? Or divide all in half and hope for the best? Don't want the one kid to feel financially responsible for the other, so am interested in protecting the money. Yet also want to operate out of respect for both kids, etc.
Appreciate any insights.
Use some of the money now to go to trust attorney. Have it set up so your one child does not have to mourn you when die and set up taking care of an adult sibling. A trust attorney can talk you through options.
Sounds good - thanks.
Anonymous
04/24/2024 20:19
Subject: Re:s/o adult children, one with mental challenges
Anonymous wrote:I have a kid with intellectual disability, one with mental health issues and one who gives me no worries. I have done everything in terms of launching them. One will be fine. One is likely to be fine but will blow through every single cent. The third is going to need controls on everything. I’m not dividing equally because equal doesn’t put them in an equal place.
So what are the controls?
Also, do you mind sharing how you are dividing?
It's baked into me to divide equally - my mom's family handled that way and the siblings all had good relations till their deaths. My dad's much less so. His older sister, who always resented that her parents had two more children when she was eight, pried all that she could out of her mother's hands and more. This behavior did bond my father and his one year older sister, but a schism between them and the older sister.
Anonymous
04/24/2024 13:36
Subject: Re:s/o adult children, one with mental challenges
I have a kid with intellectual disability, one with mental health issues and one who gives me no worries. I have done everything in terms of launching them. One will be fine. One is likely to be fine but will blow through every single cent. The third is going to need controls on everything. I’m not dividing equally because equal doesn’t put them in an equal place.
Anonymous
04/24/2024 13:23
Subject: s/o adult children, one with mental challenges
Anonymous wrote:We have 2 adult kids, both early 20s, and one has had a mental illness for the last few years. So far all has been good with meds, but that can change if they become med resistant.
We are working on a new will version and interested what others may have done here. Do we split assets in half, then split that in half for both kids and leave the remaining half if the one DC is unable to work and care for themselves? Also do that to safeguard the money from any possible exploitation? Or divide all in half and hope for the best? Don't want the one kid to feel financially responsible for the other, so am interested in protecting the money. Yet also want to operate out of respect for both kids, etc.
Appreciate any insights.
Use some of the money now to go to trust attorney. Have it set up so your one child does not have to mourn you when die and set up taking care of an adult sibling. A trust attorney can talk you through options.
Anonymous
04/24/2024 13:04
Subject: s/o adult children, one with mental challenges
We have 2 adult kids, both early 20s, and one has had a mental illness for the last few years. So far all has been good with meds, but that can change if they become med resistant.
We are working on a new will version and interested what others may have done here. Do we split assets in half, then split that in half for both kids and leave the remaining half if the one DC is unable to work and care for themselves? Also do that to safeguard the money from any possible exploitation? Or divide all in half and hope for the best? Don't want the one kid to feel financially responsible for the other, so am interested in protecting the money. Yet also want to operate out of respect for both kids, etc.
Appreciate any insights.
We are working on a new will version and interested what others may have done here. Do we split assets in half, then split that in half for both kids and leave the remaining half if the one DC is unable to work and care for themselves? Also do that to safeguard the money from any possible exploitation? Or divide all in half and hope for the best? Don't want the one kid to feel financially responsible for the other, so am interested in protecting the money. Yet also want to operate out of respect for both kids, etc.
Appreciate any insights.