the parents’ ability to argue respectfully and constructively is essential. We did not, ended up divorcing after years of strife. Both adult children internalized a lot of stress, one becoming a perfectionist, the other low motivation.

Didn’t divorce. Went to watch their games, talent shows, class parties. Had traditions—-a biggie! They looked forward to these at holidays and summer and weekend breakfasts.

Limited phone usage, social media/electronics. Tough, but loving.

Both my sons were very good A students- but I taught them to advocate for themselves and I pretty much stopped asking about work or assignments in middle school.

My spouse and I are athletic. My kids played sports and all of us get outside and move.

Grandparents were involved-came to their games. They had sleepovers once a month, etc.

Taught empathy, compassion, honesty and giving back.

Chores. Family dinners (or breakfast in the busy years). They saw an equal partnership- both parents work and both chipped in equally at home.

We weren't helicopter parents and raised them to have independence from an early (compared to their peers) age.

We did not obsess over grades/colleges yet they all got into good colleges/careers.

We did not expect our kids to be “super” kids. This area is so stressful with so many expectations on kids and we were like: nope! This ended up being a good approach because our kids tend to be anxious naturally and they didn’t need the added stress.

Instead of focusing on what they did/produced, we focused on how they showed up/behaved. I also posted our “family values” on the fridge when they were in elementary school, we all read it once, and then we just kept modeling it for them.

We didn’t have a perfect marriage and definitely didn’t act great 100% of the time but we did display a lot of love.

We raised 3 kids who are now grown and have their own kids. They are all successful in terms of educated, great careers, happy and have kids that bring them joy. The kids did play sports but did not do travel sports. One played in college. Another got into his reach school based on sport talent. We did not have an intense household. We were not punitive and often used humor to get through life. We did not value “things” but rather experiences and kindness.
So many kids in this area have pressure, anxiety and never seem to self actualize because they are living life fulfilling parent’s expectations. I have not followed these kids into adulthood but I would imagine there would need damage control at some point.

Anonymous wrote:If you and your spouse raised your kids into successful adults. What were some of the things you did that most impacted them becoming well adjusted successful adults? Do you have any regrets?

It truly is a combo of nature and nurture. If your child has ADHD, autism, or is prone to anxiety/depression it can be a difficult road. We have one who was incredibly easy to raise, and one with the above issues. But regardless, teaching responsibility, accountability and having unconditional love go a long way. Our children are both doing well right now, however I am holding my breath for my ADHD daughter with anxiety, and definitely need to do lots check ins and provide support with things that my other daughter handles with ease.

Manners, free time, respect for adults and teachers, emphasis on exercise/sports, independence and hard work - my kids always had jobs and responsibility. they are happy, successful adults fully launched and enjoying life. Nurturing confidence and independence is key. Let them fail by trying new things so that they know how to succeed. Show them they are loved for who they are vs. what they achieve.

Anonymous wrote:Well, much of it is luck tbh but I’ll try and add a few things we did:

Routines
Respectful disagreements ( but being upset was not hidden)
Dinner at the table with conversation
Saying please, thank you, good night, love you every day
Keeping a clean and organized home as normal
Expecting all to pick up, clear table, set table, empty and load dishwasher, make bed, do laundry, help with lawn
Time spent with grandparents and extended family
Honor commitments, do your best, be polite to others
Having a dh who models respect, equal partner in home
Supporting their interests, and letting them take risks/ do things on their own. Did not helicopter.

We have 3 boys and all are well-liked, nice young men we get compliments on. All finished college in 4 yrs. Worked in the summers. One is very close to my parents and calls them on his own.

I guess we just had a normal family where we were a unit, did things together but did not make the dc the sole focus. They had space to be themselves but circled back to us.

We had my brother SIL and their 3 kids in for a visit this weekend, and I was shocked that his kids didn't say "no, thank you" or "yes, please" not even once.

It's so normalized in our house that my kids couldn't help but say it even if they didn't want to, it's what rolls off the tongue, automatically.

It was shocking because we're first generation American and our father was so strict about respect. If someone had their elbows on the table, he'd say something, no matter who it was.

I didn't say anything to them when they didn't say it, but it made me realize how thankful I was when my own kids do.

Well, we got divorced. I think giving them a calm home was super helpful. A friend's mom used the phrase "turning them towards the sun" when referring to raising children and I have kept that in mind ever since. So I indulged their (healthy) interests. We had the rule that they had to do something for their minds and something for their bodies on a regular basis and either they picked or we did.

Well, much of it is luck tbh but I’ll try and add a few things we did:

Routines
Respectful disagreements ( but being upset was not hidden)
Dinner at the table with conversation
Saying please, thank you, good night, love you every day
Keeping a clean and organized home as normal
Expecting all to pick up, clear table, set table, empty and load dishwasher, make bed, do laundry, help with lawn
Time spent with grandparents and extended family
Honor commitments, do your best, be polite to others
Having a dh who models respect, equal partner in home
Supporting their interests, and letting them take risks/ do things on their own. Did not helicopter.

We have 3 boys and all are well-liked, nice young men we get compliments on. All finished college in 4 yrs. Worked in the summers. One is very close to my parents and calls them on his own.

I guess we just had a normal family where we were a unit, did things together but did not make the dc the sole focus. They had space to be themselves but circled back to us.

A couple thoughts ~ the older they get the greater number of adults they have in their life to answer to: teachers, coaches, neighbors, family members both immediate and extended. Do not try to manage these relationships. Your child is learning relationship skills to eventually manage adult relationships in their community. Surprise bonus: they don't have to learn everything from you. They shouldn't, and they won't.

Natural consequences ~ natural consequences is the best teacher. The best enforcer of punishment. Do not shield them from natural consequences.

Regarding decisions of maturity ~ what they are ready for, and when ... Do not impede. Do not promote.

Praise the effort rather than outcome. Some sort of spiritual foundation helps.

Our three are all very successful and best friends. Plus happily married. I think we set good examples as a loving couple, we both had careers but family was always the priority and we never had household drama. We are both well educated so our kids knew that was important to being successful. We didn’t browbeat them if they got a bad grade, we just highlighted the importance of working hard if you want to succeed. When they were in ES and MS our free time was pretty much devoted to them and their activities and we enjoyed it. Even today we stay in very close contact with them and their children and they often seek our advice. Finally, I think we set a very good example when it came to things like smoking, drinking, partying etc etc. We are very social people but setting a good example was always high on our behavior list.

This is a good question. Out of 2 kids we raised one succesfully and one failure to launch. Sibling studies are probably more scientific than what you’re asking.

If you and your spouse raised your kids into successful adults. What were some of the things you did that most impacted them becoming well adjusted successful adults? Do you have any regrets?