I would see if they're willing to move out into a condo or something, and then you can deal with the house separately.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure this will answer the house question, but my parents are in a similar situation and the burden of taking care of all household items plus my dad (who has moderate demensia, is partially incontinent, plus is not very steady on his feet) is very wearing on my mom.

The only thing keeping this arrangement alive was my mom putting my dad in adult day care at least 3 days a week. My dad does well with the additional stimulation and my mom gets to take a breath, recharge and take care of household things on those days. Their long term care insurance is paying for the cost of the center. Having an aide in the house was not nearly as helpful. Maybe start by trying to get your mom some breathing room?

I tried broaching the topic of hiring a contractor to deal with the infestations with her and she went into full on denial mode. She’s not currently accepting feedback especially from me.

Not illegal- just sad. At least I don’t live there, too…

It is sad. I watched my parents' once meticulous home fall into disrepair when my parents became too frail to manage it. My two siblings who also lived there let it happen rather than spend the money and time to upkeep it. Lacking POA, I could do nothing other than called APS, which would have caused me to be ostracized. You might call your county vector control for advice.

If you're the only family member remaining, who is your mom trying to conceal it from?

I would say "Mom. I can see Dad is declining and you are really struggling. There is no need to protect me. Let's be honest with each other and hire you some help." Then maybe after you have a home aide in place to give her more relief, she'll be able to think about the maintenance issues.

Infestation of what? Termites?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure this will answer the house question, but my parents are in a similar situation and the burden of taking care of all household items plus my dad (who has moderate demensia, is partially incontinent, plus is not very steady on his feet) is very wearing on my mom.

The only thing keeping this arrangement alive was my mom putting my dad in adult day care at least 3 days a week. My dad does well with the additional stimulation and my mom gets to take a breath, recharge and take care of household things on those days. Their long term care insurance is paying for the cost of the center. Having an aide in the house was not nearly as helpful. Maybe start by trying to get your mom some breathing room?

I tried broaching the topic of hiring a contractor to deal with the infestations with her and she went into full on denial mode. She’s not currently accepting feedback especially from me.

Not illegal- just sad. At least I don’t live there, too…

It IS sad. You have done what you could in the spirit of being helpful, and while your mom is still an adult with free will, that's all you can do.

Thanks.

I think you have to let it go unless it's really dangerous or an infestation. Whoever buys the house will probably want to do updates anyway. It's not worth the money or the hassle. Your mother probably doesn't feel she can handle the stress of dealing with it-- and she's probably right. Why don't you project manage it yourself?

With my dad, I eventually got fed up with his concealment and denial and I told him straight out "Your pretending to understand conversatoin is not fooling anyone. I know you have significant hearing loss, and you can stop trying to hide it." He was embarrassed, but it got us out of a bad pattern and into being more candid with each other. I wish it hadn't been necessary but it was. So you could try simply stating to your mom that you know what's going on, and maybe she'll stop trying to conceal it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure this will answer the house question, but my parents are in a similar situation and the burden of taking care of all household items plus my dad (who has moderate demensia, is partially incontinent, plus is not very steady on his feet) is very wearing on my mom.

The only thing keeping this arrangement alive was my mom putting my dad in adult day care at least 3 days a week. My dad does well with the additional stimulation and my mom gets to take a breath, recharge and take care of household things on those days. Their long term care insurance is paying for the cost of the center. Having an aide in the house was not nearly as helpful. Maybe start by trying to get your mom some breathing room?

I tried broaching the topic of hiring a contractor to deal with the infestations with her and she went into full on denial mode. She’s not currently accepting feedback especially from me.

Not illegal- just sad. At least I don’t live there, too…

It IS sad. You have done what you could in the spirit of being helpful, and while your mom is still an adult with free will, that's all you can do.

You could try adult protective services to check. Or check with your town's health department and see if they'll check it.

Your mom may get angry but it will make both of them safer.

Anonymous wrote:Not sure this will answer the house question, but my parents are in a similar situation and the burden of taking care of all household items plus my dad (who has moderate demensia, is partially incontinent, plus is not very steady on his feet) is very wearing on my mom.

The only thing keeping this arrangement alive was my mom putting my dad in adult day care at least 3 days a week. My dad does well with the additional stimulation and my mom gets to take a breath, recharge and take care of household things on those days. Their long term care insurance is paying for the cost of the center. Having an aide in the house was not nearly as helpful. Maybe start by trying to get your mom some breathing room?

I tried broaching the topic of hiring a contractor to deal with the infestations with her and she went into full on denial mode. She’s not currently accepting feedback especially from me.

Not illegal- just sad. At least I don’t live there, too…

Not sure this will answer the house question, but my parents are in a similar situation and the burden of taking care of all household items plus my dad (who has moderate demensia, is partially incontinent, plus is not very steady on his feet) is very wearing on my mom.

The only thing keeping this arrangement alive was my mom putting my dad in adult day care at least 3 days a week. My dad does well with the additional stimulation and my mom gets to take a breath, recharge and take care of household things on those days. Their long term care insurance is paying for the cost of the center. Having an aide in the house was not nearly as helpful. Maybe start by trying to get your mom some breathing room?

This is OP. Yes, there is an HOA but the infestation is at the back of the structure that faces the woods so it won’t be visible from the road until the house is literally falling down. I’ve seen evidence of multiple infestations to the point that I am certain there is underlying structural damage.

It’s just disgusting going over there even for a few hours. It’s like Grey Gardens and they don’t even seem aware of it.

I don’t think I can do or say anything about it while my mother is still with it enough. It’s so sad.

Is there an HOA? Even if not, you may have the neighbors hunting you down and complaining. Happened to a friend of mine. it impacts their property value if it gets too bad.

This is all so tough. We have a case manager who promises me they are managing home repairs too. From the looks of it they contract with people who are not the best for price or quality and of course there is payment from us for managing that, but I wonder if there are kickbacks too. It truly sucks and not everyone can afford to do that. Luckily the stubborn parent has money and is determined to stay at home. She is livid I won't do this all, but that's another story.

Anonymous wrote:We had to sell my parents house as-is when it was time for them to downsize and walked away from a lot of money. It was cumulative years of deferred maintenance. Sometimes you just have to clean up the mess at the back end.

+1. We sold to a developer, who dumped everything we didn't remove and razed the building.

We had to sell my parents house as-is when it was time for them to downsize and walked away from a lot of money. It was cumulative years of deferred maintenance. Sometimes you just have to clean up the mess at the back end.

One parent has significant dementia and is being cared for by spouse who is physically healthy but overwhelmed and unwilling to admit that husband is sick. She is putting all of her energy into trying to hide his decline and accommodate him without drawing attention to what she is doing for him. House is starting to have significant maintenance issues that are going on but not being dealt with before structural damage occurs.

I’m the only family member remaining. I tried pointing out the issue and gave them a number of a contractor but they won’t acknowledge the problem. They can afford to fix the damage so money is not the issue.

It’s a sanitation issue.

I’m learning toward just letting to go and keeping my distance because they won’t accept help. I feel bad but you can’t help people who won’t accept help.

Anyone else go through this? It’s gotten so bad that I am uncomfortable even visiting them for more than a few hours.