Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

So maybe I am right in telling my kids not to get married until they're at least 30?

Anonymous wrote:Inability to moderate themselves whether it is food, work, exercise, alcohol, shopping, or substance abuse. A hobby becomes an all-consuming passion. Jealousy towards anything you are interested in that doesn't involve/benefit them.

This is a really good tell.

Also, an indifference to things that really matter to you. That right there is the first hint of a lack of empathy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Live with someone for a couple of years before marriage. Crazy can't hold the crazy in for that long.

This. It's the person in the unguarded state. Usually mental illness manifests in early adulthood.

This might help with catching mental illness, but not with many personality disorders. Personality disordered people can be goal oriented and concerted in their pretense at sanity until they feel they’ve really locked you down (i.e., marriage, kids, mortgage etc.).

Anonymous wrote:Heavy investigation of the future in-laws.

Go on vacation with them.

Ask how close they are to their families of origin.

Yep. You get a close up of nature + nurture at work. This shit's got a heavy genetic component, don't put your head in the sand like a good liberal about it. Some people have bad wiring.

Inability to moderate themselves whether it is food, work, exercise, alcohol, shopping, or substance abuse. A hobby becomes an all-consuming passion. Jealousy towards anything you are interested in that doesn't involve/benefit them.

Anonymous wrote:Heavy investigation of the future in-laws.

Go on vacation with them.

Ask how close they are to their families of origin.

My DH is very close to his family and they present as Leave It To Beaver wholesome until they think the coast is clear. My in laws outright helped DH hide things from me, such as an institutionalized schizophrenic uncle and my sister in law having a severe drug addiction (that died of after I married DH). Some families are really no good.

Anonymous wrote:Live with someone for a couple of years before marriage. Crazy can't hold the crazy in for that long.

This. It's the person in the unguarded state. Usually mental illness manifests in early adulthood.

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

This.

My husband has a personality disorder and a couple of diagnosed mental illnesses. There were red flags in hindsight and I even caught some. I just wasn’t savvy enough to understand how big they were nor did I have enough self-worth to believe my gut over his pretense.

Anonymous wrote:This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

+1
Years ago we didn't carry diagnosis indicators with us everywhere we went and we were a lot more trusting and less paranoid.

I don't know what to tell you. Never crossed my mind that ex was special and I still don't know what kind of special he was. Extremely hard to tell if they are high functioning and hiding it.
Nobody who met him said anything. His family never said anything and still hasn't.
I would have never dated him or had a kid.
If I could do it all over again, I would stay single.

Finding out your spouse has autism after marriage? Lol, what? Or narcissism? Or OCD? Unless you are marrying someone you have known a few months or less -- which no one should be doing anyway -- you knew about these things before you said "I do."

People don't suddenly figure out two kids into a marriage that their spouse is self-involved with no social skills. They decide they could have done better when they are two kids into the marriage (which may or may not be true -- probably not) and start labeling/diagnosing and complaining on the internet and making drama in general (because they are likely not at par either).

Heavy investigation of the future in-laws.

Go on vacation with them.

Ask how close they are to their families of origin.

This is a great question. TBH, looking back, there were red flags. But I rationalized them and went ahead because I had poor judgment in my mid 20s.

Live with someone for a couple of years before marriage. Crazy can't hold the crazy in for that long.

Jumping off from the wife saying her husband does nothing to help at home, she has to remind him to shower and dress appropriately for work and didn't find out until after marriage and kids that he has depression and anxiety, etc. The truth is, there are a LOT of threads like this one - people finding out their spouse as autism or is narcissistic or OCD or a myriad of other big issues that if they knew about they may not have chosen to marry and/or procreate with this person.

Since the majority of us are not psychologists, how do we screen to make sure we're not marrying someone like this? What are the tell-tale signs that we were ignoring? Maybe this can help some of the people here who are dating to avoid an unhappy marriage down the line.