Sometimes people really hide how bad they are and their true horrible self comes out yrs later.

My DH is not abusive, but I don’t care for his personality after 15 yrs. Had he behaved the same back then, I would have never even dated him.

You're thinking about this all wrong.

People don't pick their partners based on their absence of flaws. They pick them based on an attraction or a particular trait that they find really appealing. And when they see the accompanying flaws - because there always are flaws! - they think it's fine because of the appealing trait.

Then years down the road, maybe the appeal still holds, but the flaws have been exacerbated by the demands of a career, households and kids. There's just more pressure all around.
People under pressure start not behaving well, even though they weren't like that to begin with. Do you ditch the spouse, or do you try to reduce the pressure? Do you see that past a certain point, when kids are in college, elders don't need your help, career has peaked, the pressure might be reduced?

Of course there's more to it than that. But my point is that marriage comes with ups and downs and the question usually is whether it's worthwhile to figure it out, or better to bail. If you bail, you'd better be very sure you can be happy by yourself. There is no guarantee you'll find someone better. If you do, maybe they're better just because you're both older and have less pressure, not because they're inherently a better person than the ex.

Mental illness that is masked or hidden before marriage. Particularly if you didn’t live together before marriage.

I think some people are so determined to have a spouse/kids that they not only settle, but ignore obvious red flags (a bad temper, alcoholism, spending problems, inability to take care of basic things, etc.). These problems generally get worse when kids come into the picture. Some people mistakenly believe their spouse will become more mature and improve, but that often doesn’t happen.

Also, in several bad marriages I’ve seen, one spouse began showing serious problems 1-2 years in and the other didn’t walk away pre-kids when they could have. If the parents hadn’t put so much pressure on them for grandkids and instead offered support no matter what, even if they wanted to call off a wedding or divorce, that might have made a difference.

Bait-and-Switch happens.
Good sex life until marriage and all of a sudden you start hearing not tonight honey.

I settled. I was taught you aren't going to get everything so if he meets 51% of your criteria, that's good enough. He was gentle, kind, stable. Or so I thought. Five years later, after two kids, I learned of his lying and deception. I stuck it out for the kids. Five years later, he has taken off his mask completely and become emotionally abusive towards me. I stay because of the kids. He is mentally unstable but he is a therapist so he will get 50/50 or so I fear. I don't need his money. I outearn him. I need my kids to be protected. I have 385 weeks left. I am doing the best I can.

Often they have a blind spot of their own or some mild autistic trait or history of abuse neglect or mistreatment that causes them to look past or not feel things that would serve as early warning signs to others and/or they have a stun/freeze response that prevents them from acting the moment and they get swept along in the current of what the other person wants.

Generally the person you see as a jerk has some good points that their partner values. When I look at my friends' husbands, and hear my friends complain about them, their bad points are made quite visible to me. But I know, intellectually, that they are good providers, love their wife and kids (one is indeed the primary parent), and even though they have their bad points (anger management problems, workaholism, two were/are devout anti-abortion Catholic whose wives ended up needing an abortion!)... The good outweighs the bad, for my friends.

My point is that there's a difference between men you wouldn't want to live with, but other women would be fine living with, who are decent human beings at heart; and jerks with no redeeming features who objectively NO ONE would want to live with. The jerks are actually quite rare.

We all have different flaws we're OK with, essentially. My very high-IQ husband has autism, and all the social misunderstandings that come with it. Would YOU tolerate that? Maybe not. I do. He cares a lot for me, even though he also infuriates me.

It's complicated.

Sometimes people change.

Sometimes a behavior might be manageable, only mildly frustrating when you are dating, but becomes an absolute nightmare when you hit some of the challenges of marriage, including: kids, medical or mental health issues, financial issues, professional stress, etc. For this I think of the many people who post on here talking about spouses who it turns out have untreated ADHD that really did not become apparent until they had kids and they realized their spouse had absolutely no ability to juggle parenthood and a job.

Agree with PP that sometimes people marry someone who might not be a good fit because they are worried they won't find someone else.

Also I think of people who have incredibly low self esteem but actually have a ton going for them (smart, attractive, hard working, kind). and wind up with people who don't appreciate them because they don't know their own worth. I think people in this category often had abuse or neglect in their childhood and are repeating patterns.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't pressure your kids to get married.

Seriously.

That's the number one cause I believe of people marrying folks they shouldn't have.

They believe they have to married and have kids by a certain age so the settle down with whomever.

+1

Agree with this and other PP who mentioned history of abuse.

Also, some women (less so than men) go through life wanting to check boxes, without having proper frame of reference, or proper parameters. They are happy that someone asked them to marry. Since you asked.

OP. I often wonder about one guy I dated and wonder what I would have done if he proposed. I would like to say that I would not have but I don't know . . . He wasn't abusive or a bad guy but some of the unkind traits I see on here were def present. And he was not right for me and the relationship really was difficult throughout. I ended up moving and the relationship sort of died b/c of the distance (and neither of us sort of working to make that work). But if I hadn't moved . . .

Anonymous wrote:I think the main reason is that people settle.

Other possibilities:

1. Some people have a history of abuse and don't choose good partners because of that. You have low self-esteem due your past and you also normalize really toxic behavior.

2. Sometimes there are life circumstances that lead to drastic personality changes -- like a serious health issue, some kind of loss (death of a loved one, career failure).

Good points.

Anonymous wrote:Don't pressure your kids to get married.

Seriously.

That's the number one cause I believe of people marrying folks they shouldn't have.

They believe they have to married and have kids by a certain age so the settle down with whomever.

+1

Agree with this and other PP who mentioned history of abuse.

Also, some women (less so than men) go through life wanting to check boxes, without having proper frame of reference, or proper parameters. They are happy that someone asked them to marry. Since you asked.

I think the main reason is that people settle.

Other possibilities:

1. Some people have a history of abuse and don't choose good partners because of that. You have low self-esteem due your past and you also normalize really toxic behavior.

2. Sometimes there are life circumstances that lead to drastic personality changes -- like a serious health issue, some kind of loss (death of a loved one, career failure).

Don't pressure your kids to get married.

Seriously.

That's the number one cause I believe of people marrying folks they shouldn't have.

They believe they have to married and have kids by a certain age so the settle down with whomever.

This board is so depressing. I'm married and, while ofc we have the ups/downs and issues like everyone, we have a generally happy marriage. But, there are so many people posting here about such horrid, toxic, nasty partners. I have to ask:

How did it get to that point? Were you happy at one point? Or happy enough and just went on autopilot to marriage? Why did you have kids with these people?

I have a good friend who is now divorced from a guy that NO ONE could understand how this smart, pretty, ambitious, fun woman married this toxic person (everyone to a one - the dude is such an a-hole).

I'm not judging (I've had my share of bad relationships or ones that ended for one reason or another). 100% I am not. I'm just trying to understand and be aware and guide my kids as they get older.