Anonymous
03/24/2024 00:32
Subject: Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going
Anonymous wrote:My wife is pregnant; she’s 9 weeks, so very early still. We also have a three year old son.
Since our son was born, it’s been a source of tension between us regarding how much of the household work/mental load she takes on. She’ll get frustrated that I’m not doing enough, I’ll get frustrated that she doesn’t recognize everything that I do. This argument ebbs and flows over time, but I take some responsibility for not stepping up as much as I should have.
DW has always been an anxious parent. She’s all about routine, so when something occurs with our son that disrupts that equilibrium, even if it’s something minor, she gets very stressed/anxious (ex. When the weather is bad and we can’t go to the playground, DS Going down for a nap a bit later, DS having a mini tantrum over not having the right socks, etc)
For the past three weeks, DW has been experiencing pretty bad nausea, and has generally been very tired. This happened when she was pregnant with DS, but obviously that was easier to manage without a kid.
Since she’s been sick, she can help out here and there with some parenting stuff and household tasks, but she spends a lot of her day resting, so I take on majority of the parenting/household tasks, and I’ve found that it’s….pretty manageable. I certainly wouldn’t say it’s been easy, it’s absolutely been challenging, but it just doesn’t seem like this Herculean task that DW makes it out to be, and I’m definitely getting much less help from my wife than she would normally get from me (which, to be clear, I’m not complaining about, I completely understand why she’s unable to in her state.)
Here’s the thing though, I’m finding that I feel much less stressed without her micromanaging everything that I do, both parenting wise and household wise. Like if DS goes down for a nap at 115 instead of 1, the world will keep turning. I can clean the house without being nitpicked about every little thing not being up to her standards. Most importantly, I feel like I’m finally building a bond with DS; that’s not to say that DW has been supportive of us building our relationship, she absolutely has, but it always felt like when we’d do stuff on our own, she’d get a little jealous.
Anyways, I’m having mixed feelings about this whole experience. I feel bad that my wife is so sick, but at the same time, it’s sort of been nice and almost easier to do things on my own with DS.
Unclear what you’re referring to. The weekends and naps at 1pm or are you home 7 days a week?
Anonymous
03/23/2024 23:51
Subject: Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going
Anonymous wrote:My wife is pregnant; she’s 9 weeks, so very early still. We also have a three year old son.
Since our son was born, it’s been a source of tension between us regarding how much of the household work/mental load she takes on. She’ll get frustrated that I’m not doing enough, I’ll get frustrated that she doesn’t recognize everything that I do. This argument ebbs and flows over time, but I take some responsibility for not stepping up as much as I should have.
DW has always been an anxious parent. She’s all about routine, so when something occurs with our son that disrupts that equilibrium, even if it’s something minor, she gets very stressed/anxious (ex. When the weather is bad and we can’t go to the playground, DS Going down for a nap a bit later, DS having a mini tantrum over not having the right socks, etc)
For the past three weeks, DW has been experiencing pretty bad nausea, and has generally been very tired. This happened when she was pregnant with DS, but obviously that was easier to manage without a kid.
Since she’s been sick, she can help out here and there with some parenting stuff and household tasks, but she spends a lot of her day resting, so I take on majority of the parenting/household tasks, and I’ve found that it’s….pretty manageable. I certainly wouldn’t say it’s been easy, it’s absolutely been challenging, but it just doesn’t seem like this Herculean task that DW makes it out to be, and I’m definitely getting much less help from my wife than she would normally get from me (which, to be clear, I’m not complaining about, I completely understand why she’s unable to in her state.)
Here’s the thing though, I’m finding that I feel much less stressed without her micromanaging everything that I do, both parenting wise and household wise. Like if DS goes down for a nap at 115 instead of 1, the world will keep turning. I can clean the house without being nitpicked about every little thing not being up to her standards. Most importantly, I feel like I’m finally building a bond with DS; that’s not to say that DW has been supportive of us building our relationship, she absolutely has, but it always felt like when we’d do stuff on our own, she’d get a little jealous.
Anyways, I’m having mixed feelings about this whole experience. I feel bad that my wife is so sick, but at the same time, it’s sort of been nice and almost easier to do things on my own with DS.
The world will keep turning, but are you doing what's best for DS or are you just trying o to be fun cool Disney dad?
Anonymous
03/23/2024 23:44
Subject: Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going
Anonymous wrote:You don't do enough. You think you do too much because your Dad did absolutely nothing.
How do you know his dad did nothing? Let me guess, you are divorced and bitter.
Anonymous
03/23/2024 23:32
Subject: Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going
That's good.
Anonymous
03/23/2024 23:30
Subject: Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going
If there are things you can take on and your wife welcomes that and it's NBD for you to take it on, then do. But if you find yourself turning around resenting wife for it, tune into that. You're not going to change your wife's anxious parenting style by judging it so be careful that you don't start making negative attributions and comparisons based on that, as that will erode your marriage. It sounds like your wife is a basically effective parent, albeit anxious.
Anonymous
03/23/2024 23:21
Subject: Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going
You don't do enough. You think you do too much because your Dad did absolutely nothing.
Anonymous
03/23/2024 23:12
Subject: Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going
Well, you are about to have a lot more one-on-one time with your older one in about 7 months…
Anonymous
03/23/2024 23:06
Subject: Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going
Sounds like a positive experience, and something you can hopefully keep going in the future. This mat help your wife realize she doesn’t have to have a hand in everything, that you guys can trade off. I may have been like your DW when I was a new mom… I ended up working Saturdays & my DH & kids made their own routines & schedules for the day, and it was great. I think it helped me realize that it is all going to be ok whether I’m in charge or DH is in charge…sometimes that is tough for new moms who worry.
That said, I think every parent I know has said “life is so much easier when DH/DW is out of town”. Lol, sometimes it is just easier/more efficient when you have one adult in charge, one adult’s energy, one adult’s opinion to consider - it is just a fact of married life that some things are easier when just 1 parent is involved.
That said, I think every parent I know has said “life is so much easier when DH/DW is out of town”. Lol, sometimes it is just easier/more efficient when you have one adult in charge, one adult’s energy, one adult’s opinion to consider - it is just a fact of married life that some things are easier when just 1 parent is involved.
Anonymous
03/23/2024 22:30
Subject: Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going
You’re expecting some kind of reward for actually doing the household labor? You realize that claiming “oh its not hard!” doesn’t mean it was unfair for you to make her do it? In fact kind of the opposite. If it was so easy you should have been doing your share all along.
Anonymous
03/23/2024 22:27
Subject: Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going
I think a lot of guys feel this way when they “take over” the daily tasks. What they don’t realize is that their wife does all of that plus create the infrastructure for those routines. Like I’m sure you have socks and shoes for you son, and toys and books around the house. She probably researched his nap times when he was little and got him on a schedule. She probably got the various sizes of clothes for him that changed every few months the first year plus all the diapers, feeding things, and now potty training gear. She probably looks up milestones and things about illness. Ok, you show up and do a nap and make dinner. It’s “easy.” Cool?
Anonymous
03/23/2024 22:14
Subject: Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going
So it’s easier when you don’t have to work with a partner? Congratulations? And you sound like a dick.
You now know you can be more involved so then do it. You want a medal or something?
You now know you can be more involved so then do it. You want a medal or something?
Anonymous
03/23/2024 22:10
Subject: Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going
I totally understand, OP. I hope your wife can find a way to keep her anxiety under control, otherwise her kids will resent her when they get to be tween/teens. Every single control-freak parent I've known (including my mother and my husband, and also my best friend) had fractious relations with their teens. Parenting young kids is easy. They believe in you! But teens expect you to earn their trust. Just as you're finding out, sometimes life is easier without the control-freak in the picture.
Best of luck going forward. And don't tell your wife to "just relax". That's not how anxiety works! She needs to want to change and she needs therapy, or to work on herself through other means.
Best of luck going forward. And don't tell your wife to "just relax". That's not how anxiety works! She needs to want to change and she needs therapy, or to work on herself through other means.
Anonymous
03/23/2024 22:06
Subject: Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going
So...you've discovered that you've been letting your wife do work that she finds more stressful and you find easy? Congrats, now you can be an equal partner.
(Ironic that you complained that she didn't recognize your contributions before, and now that you're the primary parent, and she is sick while growing a baby, you don't recognize her contributions. )
(Ironic that you complained that she didn't recognize your contributions before, and now that you're the primary parent, and she is sick while growing a baby, you don't recognize her contributions. )
Anonymous
03/23/2024 22:05
Subject: Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going
I don’t have any advice, but just wanted to say I think you’re not alone. I can relate to spouse being out of town and things being easier, even though I don’t have the extra help with the kids. Has your DW been evaluated for possible anxiety? The examples you gave seem pretty extreme and not within the range of normal.
Anonymous
03/23/2024 21:58
Subject: Shouldering more of the parenting/household work while DW is pregnant, and having mixed feelings about how it’s going
My wife is pregnant; she’s 9 weeks, so very early still. We also have a three year old son.
Since our son was born, it’s been a source of tension between us regarding how much of the household work/mental load she takes on. She’ll get frustrated that I’m not doing enough, I’ll get frustrated that she doesn’t recognize everything that I do. This argument ebbs and flows over time, but I take some responsibility for not stepping up as much as I should have.
DW has always been an anxious parent. She’s all about routine, so when something occurs with our son that disrupts that equilibrium, even if it’s something minor, she gets very stressed/anxious (ex. When the weather is bad and we can’t go to the playground, DS Going down for a nap a bit later, DS having a mini tantrum over not having the right socks, etc)
For the past three weeks, DW has been experiencing pretty bad nausea, and has generally been very tired. This happened when she was pregnant with DS, but obviously that was easier to manage without a kid.
Since she’s been sick, she can help out here and there with some parenting stuff and household tasks, but she spends a lot of her day resting, so I take on majority of the parenting/household tasks, and I’ve found that it’s….pretty manageable. I certainly wouldn’t say it’s been easy, it’s absolutely been challenging, but it just doesn’t seem like this Herculean task that DW makes it out to be, and I’m definitely getting much less help from my wife than she would normally get from me (which, to be clear, I’m not complaining about, I completely understand why she’s unable to in her state.)
Here’s the thing though, I’m finding that I feel much less stressed without her micromanaging everything that I do, both parenting wise and household wise. Like if DS goes down for a nap at 115 instead of 1, the world will keep turning. I can clean the house without being nitpicked about every little thing not being up to her standards. Most importantly, I feel like I’m finally building a bond with DS; that’s not to say that DW has been supportive of us building our relationship, she absolutely has, but it always felt like when we’d do stuff on our own, she’d get a little jealous.
Anyways, I’m having mixed feelings about this whole experience. I feel bad that my wife is so sick, but at the same time, it’s sort of been nice and almost easier to do things on my own with DS.
Since our son was born, it’s been a source of tension between us regarding how much of the household work/mental load she takes on. She’ll get frustrated that I’m not doing enough, I’ll get frustrated that she doesn’t recognize everything that I do. This argument ebbs and flows over time, but I take some responsibility for not stepping up as much as I should have.
DW has always been an anxious parent. She’s all about routine, so when something occurs with our son that disrupts that equilibrium, even if it’s something minor, she gets very stressed/anxious (ex. When the weather is bad and we can’t go to the playground, DS Going down for a nap a bit later, DS having a mini tantrum over not having the right socks, etc)
For the past three weeks, DW has been experiencing pretty bad nausea, and has generally been very tired. This happened when she was pregnant with DS, but obviously that was easier to manage without a kid.
Since she’s been sick, she can help out here and there with some parenting stuff and household tasks, but she spends a lot of her day resting, so I take on majority of the parenting/household tasks, and I’ve found that it’s….pretty manageable. I certainly wouldn’t say it’s been easy, it’s absolutely been challenging, but it just doesn’t seem like this Herculean task that DW makes it out to be, and I’m definitely getting much less help from my wife than she would normally get from me (which, to be clear, I’m not complaining about, I completely understand why she’s unable to in her state.)
Here’s the thing though, I’m finding that I feel much less stressed without her micromanaging everything that I do, both parenting wise and household wise. Like if DS goes down for a nap at 115 instead of 1, the world will keep turning. I can clean the house without being nitpicked about every little thing not being up to her standards. Most importantly, I feel like I’m finally building a bond with DS; that’s not to say that DW has been supportive of us building our relationship, she absolutely has, but it always felt like when we’d do stuff on our own, she’d get a little jealous.
Anyways, I’m having mixed feelings about this whole experience. I feel bad that my wife is so sick, but at the same time, it’s sort of been nice and almost easier to do things on my own with DS.