Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Insist that he explain how he came to this opposite conclusion. Was losing you what made him change his mind? That might be good for your ego but embarking upon parenting with someone he doesn't want it is a recipe for unhappiness.

OP here. He’s 33. He’s always wanted kids up until about 3 months before we split up. One of our friends split up after having a child and the other couple we know is constantly fighting after having a child. His brother recently had his first child and the baby is very difficult. My SIL has some PPD issues and I think all of this has made him concerned about having kids.

He’s right.

Kids are not a goldfish or a cat or a puppy. If he expects things to be the same between the two of you, then he’s up for a huge disappointment.

A baby will bring out the best and the worst in both of you, and will challenge your relationship in ways you couldn’t think possible. If you have established a relationship that is based on love, respect, empathy, and kindness, you will make it and many many couples do.

Having a baby will amplify the good and the bad traits. If there are already strain lines, they will turn into insurmountable valleys.

Anonymous wrote:My ex-boyfriend and I broke up after 1.5 years together 3 months ago. We had a really good relationship and life seemed perfect, but I ended the relationship after he voiced that he wasn’t sure he wanted kids anymore. We had multiple discussions and I decided that it was best to end it instead of investing more time in a relationship if we didn’t align on major issues. I want kids and I didn’t want resentment to build on either side. Kids are a 100% all in commitment.

Recently my ex came to me and wants to reconcile. He does want kids and wants to be back together and to resume our plans to marry and have a family. I love him and thought I would spend the rest of my life with him, but I’m so hesitant because I’m afraid he might change his mind again. It’s much easier to break off a relationship than a marriage.

I love him and want to be back with him, but I can’t get over my fear of his mind changing. It’s been so incredibly difficult to move on from him, and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?

DON’T DO IT.

You know full well he’s giving in on kids not because he wants them, but because he wants you. The problem with that is that even the most gung ho parent in the world who has wanted to be a parent all their life will still find many aspects of parenting to be frustrating and really tough. Someone who became a parent only on the pain of losing his relationship will have MAJOR recriminations when he’s in his eighth month of little sleep. The odds of him resenting his kids are high, but the odds of him resenting you are 100%. It’ll be even harder because that’s when you’ll need him most to be in the trenches with you are very, very high. Remember that men aren’t bathed in nine months worth of bonding hormones. Reluctant dads can be cold blooded as hell.

Anyway, you’re going into this with your eyes open. You know he didn’t change his mind in three months. He’s capitulating and that’s a recipe for disaster where a decision as life changing and permanent as kids is concerned. Don’t make this kind of bed for you and your future kids.

Listen to your intuition. There are reasons you're not 100% convinced.

So take a chance or walk away.

I wonder if he has the maturity to understand that your relationship as it exists now is over once the kids comes and it takes a non self centered attitude to claw some of it back at times. Is that enough for him? Does he understand the commitment? Sounds like these other couples he knows did not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Insist that he explain how he came to this opposite conclusion. Was losing you what made him change his mind? That might be good for your ego but embarking upon parenting with someone he doesn't want it is a recipe for unhappiness.

OP here. He’s 33. He’s always wanted kids up until about 3 months before we split up. One of our friends split up after having a child and the other couple we know is constantly fighting after having a child. His brother recently had his first child and the baby is very difficult. My SIL has some PPD issues and I think all of this has made him concerned about having kids.

You think or you know? Has he used his words and explained the introspection your describe or are you trying to concoct a story that will enable you to take him back in good conscience?

OP here. I know. He has stated these relationships breaking down explicitly as why he became hesitant. He never said he didn’t want kids - he said he was unsure we should have kids. He could never fully tell me why and I broke it off. He said it took time in therapy to realize that he is just scared that we will end up like so many other couples and our friends.

Anonymous wrote:So what changed? And how old are you and your ex-bf? If he’s 20s, I’d give him a chance if no other red flags and no other conditions (like yes, I want kids, but first let’s get married 3 years down the road, and have kids 5-10 years after that… that sort of agreeing and then procrastinating on it).

If he’s in his early -mid 30’s, I don’t know, think about it.

If he’s older than 35, then just move on.

OP here. He told me he went to see a therapist about it. He said seeing all these relationships break down after they and kids made him question if he wanted kids. He feared our relationship would end up like this.

He said he talked it through with a therapist and realized he was overthinking things and that our relationship isn’t theirs. He still wants kids. He’s not very good with change and I think he was just worried that kids would cause our relationship to end up like the couples we know.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Insist that he explain how he came to this opposite conclusion. Was losing you what made him change his mind? That might be good for your ego but embarking upon parenting with someone he doesn't want it is a recipe for unhappiness.

OP here. He’s 33. He’s always wanted kids up until about 3 months before we split up. One of our friends split up after having a child and the other couple we know is constantly fighting after having a child. His brother recently had his first child and the baby is very difficult. My SIL has some PPD issues and I think all of this has made him concerned about having kids.

You think or you know? Has he used his words and explained the introspection your describe or are you trying to concoct a story that will enable you to take him back in good conscience?

Anonymous wrote:Insist that he explain how he came to this opposite conclusion. Was losing you what made him change his mind? That might be good for your ego but embarking upon parenting with someone he doesn't want it is a recipe for unhappiness.

OP here. He’s 33. He’s always wanted kids up until about 3 months before we split up. One of our friends split up after having a child and the other couple we know is constantly fighting after having a child. His brother recently had his first child and the baby is very difficult. My SIL has some PPD issues and I think all of this has made him concerned about having kids.

Anonymous wrote:I think this would be an excellent thing to discuss in relationship counseling. Consider it an investment. It would be good to have a disinterested 3rd person skilled in relationship issues to listen to both of you discuss this. It would give him a chance to reflect on his change of heart - if it's really what he wants, and for you to have more of an opportunity to believe him or not. It'd be a shame not to give the relationship another chance if he's truthful.

+1. All of this.

So what changed? And how old are you and your ex-bf? If he’s 20s, I’d give him a chance if no other red flags and no other conditions (like yes, I want kids, but first let’s get married 3 years down the road, and have kids 5-10 years after that… that sort of agreeing and then procrastinating on it).

If he’s in his early -mid 30’s, I don’t know, think about it.

If he’s older than 35, then just move on.

Insist that he explain how he came to this opposite conclusion. Was losing you what made him change his mind? That might be good for your ego but embarking upon parenting with someone he doesn't want it is a recipe for unhappiness.

I wouldn't risk him changing his mind again. What if you two have a kid and then he bounces? Neither fair to you OR the kid.

I think this would be an excellent thing to discuss in relationship counseling. Consider it an investment. It would be good to have a disinterested 3rd person skilled in relationship issues to listen to both of you discuss this. It would give him a chance to reflect on his change of heart - if it's really what he wants, and for you to have more of an opportunity to believe him or not. It'd be a shame not to give the relationship another chance if he's truthful.

Nope and nope.

Move on.

He told you the truth the first time.

My ex-boyfriend and I broke up after 1.5 years together 3 months ago. We had a really good relationship and life seemed perfect, but I ended the relationship after he voiced that he wasn’t sure he wanted kids anymore. We had multiple discussions and I decided that it was best to end it instead of investing more time in a relationship if we didn’t align on major issues. I want kids and I didn’t want resentment to build on either side. Kids are a 100% all in commitment.

Recently my ex came to me and wants to reconcile. He does want kids and wants to be back together and to resume our plans to marry and have a family. I love him and thought I would spend the rest of my life with him, but I’m so hesitant because I’m afraid he might change his mind again. It’s much easier to break off a relationship than a marriage.

I love him and want to be back with him, but I can’t get over my fear of his mind changing. It’s been so incredibly difficult to move on from him, and I don’t know what to do. Any advice?