I'm just getting my head around the demand for a divorce. Anger is beginning to nudge out pain and trauma, but fear, and loneliness, and hurt, and insecurity bubble up at least 10X per day. I know it will get better. At 55 I'm realistic about having another partner someday, but I guess it is what it is. For those of us who didn't want divorce and didn't see it coming, maybe there's some help in knowing you aren't alone.

I’m about 6 months into separation and just starting to get enough distance to look at things a bit more from the outside and understand some of the bad patterns we were in. I feel more relaxed and relieved now that I’m past the initial shock and working on acceptance and can see some of these crap patterns that I’ve gotten relief from.

Anonymous wrote:

Yes it does get better - much better ! But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it takes a while.

Guy - My ex ran off with AP and we had 2 young kids. It’s been nearly 10 years on and I’m grateful that I’m no longer married to her. Took about 2 years to get my head sorted out.

There are issues for sure. If you have kids you’re never completely free of them. But I wouidnt want to go back to being married to her.

Cheaters absolutely suck as human beings. Glad you are doing well. Running off when you have two kids is just so low.

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, huge hugs, in same boat.

Ugh, so sorry. It’s awful. I’m completely shattered and dread the first few seconds when I wake up every morning and remember it’s all real.

Yes it does get better - much better ! But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it takes a while.

Guy - My ex ran off with AP and we had 2 young kids. It’s been nearly 10 years on and I’m grateful that I’m no longer married to her. Took about 2 years to get my head sorted out.

There are issues for sure. If you have kids you’re never completely free of them. But I wouidnt want to go back to being married to her.

Hi OP, huge hugs, in same boat.

OP here. Thanks for the kind words and thoughts. I sometimes wish there was a fast forward button to get through process of dividing up 22 years of marriage and rebuilding my life, but then I remember that’s time with my kids that would be lost. And I know that in order to come out of this stronger, I can’t skip the hard parts. But I would if I could, because this really sucks.

I was the primary breadwinner so when my exH left I wasn’t faced with a dismal financial future. After a few months of being pretty miserable I realized that being miserable was an anchor I needed to throw overboard so I got very busy with my kids, friends, working out, simply avoiding spending time thinking about the divorce and the failure of my marriage. At the one year mark I think I was in a good place and realized I was much better off and happier. I also got a big promotion and that really helped. It been almost three years now and I’m dating a very nice guy and the relationship has been very good for me. Early on my brother said keep your eyes looking over the front hood of the car and don’t look at the rear view mirror. He was right.

Divorced dad here. Every day since I moved out 10 years ago has been like a day on vacation. Being married to an abusive NPD is the path to an early grave.

You're grieving the loss of some major things. The day to day pangs of pain will subside in 4+ months once you establish a new home routine without him. But the healing and base level pain will likely last a couple of years. It's like a death in that the holidays or other big moments bring it to the surface.

Mine was a surprised and it took two full years for me to feel human. I probably don’t remember that time, I was totally numb. You have to fake it until you make it. I think after the two years I finally fully accepted that the life I’d built was over and the future I’d envisioned wasn’t going to come to pass.

I’m really sorry. I think this must have been how my DH felt when I said I wanted to separate. Even though we’d barely said a word to each other in 2 years and he never responded to my attempts to reconnect with him. He knew full well the marriage was t in a good state but just never occurred to him I’d actually leave. Anyway, I think it was easier for him once it became clear I wasn’t leaving him for another man. It’s been about 6-8 months and while I can’t see what’s going on in his inner emotional life, he has definitely made some positive life changes, like getting a lower stress job and making some new dad friends. So he’s definitely not spiraling, and is generally moving in a good direction even if he’s still working through some shock/sadness. (I am definitely still sad too to be clear, but not shocked since I’m the one who initiated)

Out of curiosity...did one of cheat? Is that why this is happening. I have a friend that thought she would never get caught and even if she did she never thought her husband would initiate divorce against her.

Both things happened.

I have no words of advice but just sending hugs and healing vibes. I'm so sorry you're struggling through this tough time.

If you were not the initiator and/or did not want to divorce, how long did it take for you to feel something close to normal again?

Of my divorced friends, all of them were the initiators and had an active, informed role in what happened. I’m not saying they weren’t stressed and sad, but they weren’t shocked. (Before anyone says I should have known, that’s probably true. But I didn’t know and was absolutely stunned when he let me know on the way out the door.)

I’m in therapy. I’m functional for my kids. They don’t know what really happened because I’m not a jerk, but they do know I’m sad. I work out. I accept invitations when they come in. But I don’t really know how to cope with all of the feelings all the time. Everyone keeps telling me it will get better, but I feel so stuck. My future is now totally uncertain and large chunks of my past were a lie. When did the shame and rage and misery begin to abate for you? Everyone is different, but just looking for a glimmer of hope.