^ withOUT judgment or defensiveness

Anonymous wrote:What type of talk would you have related to the friendship?

My best friend of 25 years can sometimes be insensitive. She's just very blunt. Each time she's done it, I've told her her words are insensitive and I didn't like it. She apologized and we moved on.

This is a sign of a healthy friendship, because

1) you feel entitled to speak up when your friend's actions towards you hurt you
2) your friend listens to you with judgment or defensiveness, avoid a back and forth about whether it's fair for you to be hurt
3) your friend apologizes even if the offense was totally unintentional, recognizing the issue is not intent but effect
4) you accept her apology at face value and move on, recognizing that your friend obviously cares enough about you and your friendship to make the effort.

IME the kinds of "talks" OP is referring to involve a situation where one or both people lack the maturity for the above. One person bottles up resentment instead of vocalizing concerns, or vocalizes them in hurtful ways. Or the other friend is very insecure and responds to these conversations nicer s by trying to argue the point (you shouldn't feel that way, you're being too sensitive, actually that's not what happened, etc.). And so on.

A talk is fine, if both people are mature and genuinely care about each other. Many friendships lack these elements though.

Anonymous wrote:I am 38 with early elementary kids and I have a few friends who like to have these talks with people when there is fairly low-level conflict. It basically never goes well and its not something I am interested in doing. It generally appears to be a way to stir up drama and often happens in the context of conflict within a larger group dynamic. No thanks... my sorority days ended almost 20 years ago.

+1. These talks never go well

I am 38 with early elementary kids and I have a few friends who like to have these talks with people when there is fairly low-level conflict. It basically never goes well and its not something I am interested in doing. It generally appears to be a way to stir up drama and often happens in the context of conflict within a larger group dynamic. No thanks... my sorority days ended almost 20 years ago.

Almost never worth it.

I always found/find it goofy that you are supposed to have some natural symbiotic relationship with friends that requires no dialogue about the relationship itself. That's why all of these friendships with the tiniest conflict end. No one can figure out how to actually talk to a friend. It's bizarre.

I've never had it go well.

I'm currently trying to fade a friendship. It's hard! But friend is too friendly and I just don't want that kind of friendship with him.

Disagree. A friend told me if I kept doing something she wouldn't be able to stay friends with me because it bothered her that much. We're still friends six years later.

I agree. Fade to grey vs first having awkward drama and then fading to grey.

Depends on what it is. Any worthwhile feedback should be actionable, not a criticism of someone's personality or something. For example, I do say something if someone's late more often than not, but I won't say something if someone has a habit of lying. The latter is just not worth my time.

What type of talk would you have related to the friendship?

My best friend of 25 years can sometimes be insensitive. She's just very blunt. Each time she's done it, I've told her her words are insensitive and I didn't like it. She apologized and we moved on.

True or false: IME by the time you have to have a conversation about something related the friendship, the friendship is over or ended.

Although this has only happened a handful of times, I have never had a talk about the relationship with a friend in which, no matter what I or the friend actually said, the friendship didn’t still progress to a conclusion.