Are you staying with them to help? If they really didn't need you to be there all the time, you should find another place to stay. You are going to need time apart. Regardless of where you stay, structure your day (be in charge) of the day, as much as you can justify. Walks during certain hours of day, drives. No one needs to know where you go and specifically why.

13:09 had a very important point re: AL. Your Mother will need that. The meds are prescribed, they have experience with difficult personalities. They will not allow unreasonable meanness.

I went through this for many years and had a therapist helping me use strategies with her. Our issue was she kept going off meds for the anxiety and rage when she felt she was fine. Things have gotten worse. We have someone professionally managing care. The abuse was taking it's toll on me and my family.

My mother refuses to be in residential, but my aunt-also highly abusive with age, is well medicated at her AL and it has made all the difference. They hired an aide as well and no longer have a revolving door due to people quitting. It's also easier to visit. Yes, she seems very medicated, but she can engage without emotional and verbal abuse and have a relationship with her grandchildren and children so it's worth it.

This is a really hard situation to navigate. The goal I think is to be there for her and protect yourself. Keep the conversation steered toward superficial things - do not bring her into your personal situations or topics that will trigger her temper or lectures. Take lots of breaks and walks to get some peace. Maybe "run errands" for her or do other things to get a break. When she lays into you, do not react or engage. I think old people become more extreme versions of themselves as they age so I wouldn't imagine it will get much better for you. That's sad, but if you can accept it for what it is and protect yourself accordingly, that might be the best way forward.

Anonymous wrote:Perhaps her medication can be adjusted? Just take lots of breaks, walks, run out to the store etc.

It’s being adjusted constantly.

Perhaps her medication can be adjusted? Just take lots of breaks, walks, run out to the store etc.

My mother has always been a little mean but it has got a lot worse recently as she’s in pain and taking more medication. For example yesterday she lectured me on the phone about spending time and energy helping my best friend whose dh is dying from cancer. She’s also in a constant state of rabid anxiety not well controlled by any combo of meds. I’m about to go and spend 2w with them (they live far away) and bracing myself for dealing with it. Plus as and when my father passes, she has no one else and I can’t handle the thought of having to be her only support while she just becomes more panicky and more mean. Anyone else btdt?