You have zero power to have the other child removed. Your only leverage is to pull your own kid out. Are you prepared to leave?

If your child keeps getting hit/hurt, and you continue to stay, what does that say? Why do they even need to do anything? Why would they care?

Not surprised at this thread. Parents of violent kids are always defensive And dismissive. OP, I’d want that child removed. If they won’t remove or separate them, I’d change schools, request a full refund, and leave a bad review describing the issue.

Keep working with him on not aggressively taking toys from others. By 3.5 they usually have a pretty good handle on this, and it should not be happening multiple times a week.

Anonymous wrote:Be very skeptical of the self-reported incidents. Kids that age don't have a fully developed sense of time or accurate vocabulary.

Preschool teacher story: One little girl told her mother every day that a particular child in her class "hits." After weeks of hearing about and getting more and more upset, the mom finally asked the teacher about it, and the teacher said that child in question had been hit by someone else once (was not the hitter) during the first week of school. No other incidents. The little girl just lodged that event in her head and talked about it all the time, say "hits" instead of "was hit". Plus the mom realized she had started to reinforced the narrative by asking about it every day.

I definitely agree with this - my son's self reports in preschool turned out to be wildly inaccurate. I know you've been getting some incident report so it is clearly happening sometimes but may not be as often as you think.

Anonymous wrote:OP they’re both 3.5 to close to 4.

My suspicion, based on admittedly little information but having my own experience with this is it is very possible based on the ages that the other child has some other things going on that make them a little impulsive/reactive. your child and this child have gotten into a bit of a negative relationship pattern and the child is obviously overreactive. It is not ok and also is a hard problem to solve in preschool (ask me how I know, son with ADHD!). This is really hard. I will tell you that I have truly the deepest gratitude (deepest) for the families at my child's preschool who still loved him when he was having a hard time. That being said, it is not ok for a child to be hitting or for your child to be getting hit. Full stop. And, this other kid is probably really having a hard time so the answer is not simple. Is there another class at the preschool? My son did a LOT better the next year once they separated him and the one child he had an especially hard time with. That isn't because it was the child's fault, but they just had a hard dynamic and my child was very dysregulated (and we were doing EVERYTHING beyond the scenes to try to help - psychologists, diet, etc etc etc)

Be very skeptical of the self-reported incidents. Kids that age don't have a fully developed sense of time or accurate vocabulary.

Preschool teacher story: One little girl told her mother every day that a particular child in her class "hits." After weeks of hearing about and getting more and more upset, the mom finally asked the teacher about it, and the teacher said that child in question had been hit by someone else once (was not the hitter) during the first week of school. No other incidents. The little girl just lodged that event in her head and talked about it all the time, say "hits" instead of "was hit". Plus the mom realized she had started to reinforced the narrative by asking about it every day.

Also, to be frank it isn't up to your husband whether the child should be removed. There may be plenty you don't know about this situation and what the other child is struggling with. And, it could be you with another child of yours in the future that is "the hitter." Have empathy for the other parents, know that your child will be ok through this (they 100% will) and will learn how to navigate difficult situations. If you feel the supervision is lacking at the school and that is a piece of why this is happening so often that is a different problem, but still isn't a fault of the preschooler.

I understand why it is upsetting and am not dismissing that, but empathy and continued support for your child and discussions with the school on how they can support is best.

Also, it may sound counterintuitive but a few playdates may do them well. 1:1 time without the stress of school. My son and another kid used to really have a hard time together, somewhat similar. A few playdates helped and by the end of preschool they were very close actually. They both were just going through a hard time in different ways in terms of some developmental things

OP they’re both 3.5 to close to 4.

OP Agree with you. I think it’s on the staff to manage this situation better. I don’t think they have the resourcing to shadow at all times but they have a few hotspots when they know the problems tend to occur so that they can keep them separate as needed. We spoke with a child psychologist who suggested to tell our child to play elsewhere and with other toys because this kid does not use gentle hands. I understand this. My husband though is livid and said he is losing his patience with no improvement in close to two months of this.

How old? 2-3 this is very normal and will likely pass. If they are 4 then both children really are a part of this dynamic as you said, pulling toys from kids without asking is also problematic. Again, within range of normal but 4 year olds generally are able to realize they shouldn't grab from others or take a toy when it appears another kid is playing with it. But the school needs to help your son with that and set him up for success. For the child who is hitting, I would ask the school about shadowing. This is difficult for schools but is also what they should be doing, trying to rotate another assistant in there for example so the child can be shadowed and help prevent these incidents.

I understand why you are upset. But the child also likely should not be removed from the program. They are also a child trying to learn and it is the school's job to give the supervision level needed, some kids need more as they learn these skills in preschool (may have adhd that is not diagnosed or other developmental needs if we are talking more the 4 year old range). That doesn't mean its okay, but they are a 2-4 year old needing support not removal.

Continue to encourage your child to give space to the other child and play with others for right now. "It sounds like when you and x play it can be hard for both of you, and it sounds like x may really be having a hard time right now. The best thing you can do is be kind to x and give him space"

OP: Yes it’s a mix in terms of who instigates. I think the other family is working with the kid just like we are. My husband is just really worried about the hitting particularly the bumps and bruises on the head.

Anonymous wrote:It’s been going on for over a month now.

It typically happens a couple of times a week.

Usually happens over wanting the same toy. My child sometimes does have the bad habit of trying to take a toy without asking for it first. We are working on that but at the same time we dont want him to get hit all the time though including getting incident reports. Plus he is also learning to model - normally he refrains but on 2 occasions he retaliated.

The staff is trying to keep them separate but only works so much. They also started a more intense points system for positive reinforcement.

What other options we have? My husband is really upset at this point and wants to ask for this other kid to be removed from the program.

Seems unrealistic to expect a kid to be removed when it sounds like your child is instigating. Presumably the other child's parents are also working with their kid on this.

OP Both types. Pushing, hitting including on the head with other toys (left marks and bumps few times). Both self-reported and reported by teachers especially when they write out an incident report.

Describe the "hit" that is happening. Is it a slap on the arm? A punch to the face? Those are very different.

Also, how do you know this? Is it self reporting from your child? Is the teacher telling you?

It’s been going on for over a month now.

It typically happens a couple of times a week.

Usually happens over wanting the same toy. My child sometimes does have the bad habit of trying to take a toy without asking for it first. We are working on that but at the same time we dont want him to get hit all the time though including getting incident reports. Plus he is also learning to model - normally he refrains but on 2 occasions he retaliated.

The staff is trying to keep them separate but only works so much. They also started a more intense points system for positive reinforcement.

What other options we have? My husband is really upset at this point and wants to ask for this other kid to be removed from the program.