Anonymous
03/01/2024 14:03
Subject: family insists on nickname I hate
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What if you call them by their given names? Not mom and dad. If they say they earned their right to call you what you dislike, you address them not as their child but as someone in a transactional relationship with them.
I think this is a good approach.
Recently I told my parents that it bothers me that when they visit my home, they openly criticize and judge my home and family in ways I know they would NEVER do with anyone else, including other members of their family (their siblings and nieces and nephews). My mom, in particular, is unfailingly polite with everyone else, but she will walk into my house and start criticizing and complaining immediately.
My mom replied that they have "earned the right" to criticize like this because they are my parents and they raised me. And I said okay, well I've decided I've earned the right to do the same, after years of accepting it. Would you like me to start with your hair or your wardrobe? Dad's weight? What about your garden, which is a mess? Here, let me grab some paper, I will make a list of all your flaws so that I can review them with you in an organized manner.
My mom cottoned on immediately. My dad kind of blustered about it, but he has stopped complaining so much when they visit. They just had this idea that because they are my parents, they are entitled to nitpick and criticize me until their dying day, but the minute the tables were turned, they understood how incredibly annoying that is and how it makes you not want to spend time with that person anymore.
So I recommend this strategy. Start calling them by their first names, or even better, nickname versions of their first names that are demeaning or diminutive. Like if your dad's name is Charlies, start calling him Chuckles just to see how it goes.
This. And please updates us on M+Ds response. I’m chuckling at the thought of Chuckles.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 13:57
Subject: family insists on nickname I hate
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:What if you call them by their given names? Not mom and dad. If they say they earned their right to call you what you dislike, you address them not as their child but as someone in a transactional relationship with them.
I think this is a good approach.
Recently I told my parents that it bothers me that when they visit my home, they openly criticize and judge my home and family in ways I know they would NEVER do with anyone else, including other members of their family (their siblings and nieces and nephews). My mom, in particular, is unfailingly polite with everyone else, but she will walk into my house and start criticizing and complaining immediately.
My mom replied that they have "earned the right" to criticize like this because they are my parents and they raised me. And I said okay, well I've decided I've earned the right to do the same, after years of accepting it. Would you like me to start with your hair or your wardrobe? Dad's weight? What about your garden, which is a mess? Here, let me grab some paper, I will make a list of all your flaws so that I can review them with you in an organized manner.
My mom cottoned on immediately. My dad kind of blustered about it, but he has stopped complaining so much when they visit. They just had this idea that because they are my parents, they are entitled to nitpick and criticize me until their dying day, but the minute the tables were turned, they understood how incredibly annoying that is and how it makes you not want to spend time with that person anymore.
So I recommend this strategy. Start calling them by their first names, or even better, nickname versions of their first names that are demeaning or diminutive. Like if your dad's name is Charlies, start calling him Chuckles just to see how it goes.
13:55 here. I like you.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 13:55
Subject: family insists on nickname I hate
I would take out my checkbook and ask them how much I owe them for them to stop calling me that name. And then write then a check for $1,000 and force it into their hands. (Explaining I would have to make several payments).
But I am petty like that. Once when my mother would not stop criticizing the way I dressed, I took two suitcases of clothes, dumped them at her feet and told her to pick my outfit. She never criticized that again.
But I am petty like that. Once when my mother would not stop criticizing the way I dressed, I took two suitcases of clothes, dumped them at her feet and told her to pick my outfit. She never criticized that again.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 13:49
Subject: family insists on nickname I hate
My mother called me Booper. Apparently she said it once when I was a baby, I laughed and for the rest of time she'd call me that. From the time I was at least 3 I was telling her I didn't like it, then hated it, it embarrassed me. She didn't stop.
When she died I remember thinking "Whew, I will NEVER have to get called that AGAIN!"
So I hear you, OP. Feel free to tell your parents my story. Maybe they won't want you to be relieved when they die?
When she died I remember thinking "Whew, I will NEVER have to get called that AGAIN!"
So I hear you, OP. Feel free to tell your parents my story. Maybe they won't want you to be relieved when they die?
Anonymous
03/01/2024 13:45
Subject: family insists on nickname I hate
'Anonymous wrote:I don't have any good solutions. But I wanted to let you know that you are a good person for dealing with it and not breaking up your family over it. I hope you have friends around you that respect you and will call you what you prefer.
Why are they a "good person for dealing with it"? They are being a doormat and letting their family walk all over them.
It's not a bad request to ask family to NOT call you a name you don't like.
Me personally, I'd spend less time with them, and I'd leave if they call me by that name.
And pulling the Age card doesn't work with me. Just because you are old doesn't mean you get to be rude and disrespectful. It's a two way street.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 12:21
Subject: family insists on nickname I hate
Anonymous wrote:My DS who is 8 told me he really didn’t like being called by a diminutive nickname I’d been calling him all his life. I heard the sadness and honesty in his voice, and stopped calling him that and told the rest of the family to stop calling him that immediately.
If you’ve tried being perfectly open like that and your parents don’t care about your feelings, I agree with the above posters and call them an obnoxious nickname that entertains you but irritates them.
You can also not respond when they call you that. They will treat you how you allow them to treat you.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 12:19
Subject: family insists on nickname I hate
My DS who is 8 told me he really didn’t like being called by a diminutive nickname I’d been calling him all his life. I heard the sadness and honesty in his voice, and stopped calling him that and told the rest of the family to stop calling him that immediately.
If you’ve tried being perfectly open like that and your parents don’t care about your feelings, I agree with the above posters and call them an obnoxious nickname that entertains you but irritates them.
If you’ve tried being perfectly open like that and your parents don’t care about your feelings, I agree with the above posters and call them an obnoxious nickname that entertains you but irritates them.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 10:58
Subject: family insists on nickname I hate
Anonymous wrote:What if you call them by their given names? Not mom and dad. If they say they earned their right to call you what you dislike, you address them not as their child but as someone in a transactional relationship with them.
I think this is a good approach.
Recently I told my parents that it bothers me that when they visit my home, they openly criticize and judge my home and family in ways I know they would NEVER do with anyone else, including other members of their family (their siblings and nieces and nephews). My mom, in particular, is unfailingly polite with everyone else, but she will walk into my house and start criticizing and complaining immediately.
My mom replied that they have "earned the right" to criticize like this because they are my parents and they raised me. And I said okay, well I've decided I've earned the right to do the same, after years of accepting it. Would you like me to start with your hair or your wardrobe? Dad's weight? What about your garden, which is a mess? Here, let me grab some paper, I will make a list of all your flaws so that I can review them with you in an organized manner.
My mom cottoned on immediately. My dad kind of blustered about it, but he has stopped complaining so much when they visit. They just had this idea that because they are my parents, they are entitled to nitpick and criticize me until their dying day, but the minute the tables were turned, they understood how incredibly annoying that is and how it makes you not want to spend time with that person anymore.
So I recommend this strategy. Start calling them by their first names, or even better, nickname versions of their first names that are demeaning or diminutive. Like if your dad's name is Charlies, start calling him Chuckles just to see how it goes.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 10:56
Subject: family insists on nickname I hate
Anonymous wrote:I don't have any good solutions. But I wanted to let you know that you are a good person for dealing with it and not breaking up your family over it. I hope you have friends around you that respect you and will call you what you prefer.
It would be insane to break up your family over a nickname.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 10:53
Subject: family insists on nickname I hate
That’s tough, I think I would sit down and ask them “why do you continue to call me a name that you know hurts me? I don’t deliberately hurt you, but you purposefully hurt me”
Anonymous
03/01/2024 10:48
Subject: Re:family insists on nickname I hate
I have the same problem.
It’s a power flex.
If that’s the only thing they need to do to feel superior, it’s fine to ignore it.
It’s a power flex.
If that’s the only thing they need to do to feel superior, it’s fine to ignore it.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 10:21
Subject: family insists on nickname I hate
What if you call them by their given names? Not mom and dad. If they say they earned their right to call you what you dislike, you address them not as their child but as someone in a transactional relationship with them.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 10:20
Subject: family insists on nickname I hate
Wow I just can't imagine holding the attitude that your family does.
Have you escalated a bit and said not just that you don't like the name but that their persisting in calling you a name that you have expressly asked them not to is very rude and disrespectful and unloving? If they love you, why would they want to annoy you endlessly while addressing you!
My sister says my name in a very irritated way, repeatedly, to interrupt me when she has a different opinion on some trivial matter. I have asked her for years not to say my name in an annoyed way. She can say "Hold on" or whatever to interrupt. (Btw I am not long-winded. Sometimes I will get three words out and she is scolding me with my own name.) Bit she cannot stop doing this. It is so ingrained in her. I will continue to call her out on it every time. You should, too, and maybe habe another discussion. We all deserve respect, especially from our own family!
Have you escalated a bit and said not just that you don't like the name but that their persisting in calling you a name that you have expressly asked them not to is very rude and disrespectful and unloving? If they love you, why would they want to annoy you endlessly while addressing you!
My sister says my name in a very irritated way, repeatedly, to interrupt me when she has a different opinion on some trivial matter. I have asked her for years not to say my name in an annoyed way. She can say "Hold on" or whatever to interrupt. (Btw I am not long-winded. Sometimes I will get three words out and she is scolding me with my own name.) Bit she cannot stop doing this. It is so ingrained in her. I will continue to call her out on it every time. You should, too, and maybe habe another discussion. We all deserve respect, especially from our own family!
Anonymous
03/01/2024 10:09
Subject: family insists on nickname I hate
I don't have any good solutions. But I wanted to let you know that you are a good person for dealing with it and not breaking up your family over it. I hope you have friends around you that respect you and will call you what you prefer.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 10:02
Subject: family insists on nickname I hate
My parents like to call me by a nickname I have hated since I was a child. I have told them I don't like this name for years. It is a traditional/cultural diminutive name, however, and they have told me to get over it. I try to respect their view (and that they are old, won't change, and have health issues), but I wish they would care that I hate the name. Recently, they told me they "earned the right" to call me whatever since they paid for things like college (20 years ago). Not worth cutting off contact over, but just refusing to respond when they call me that name hasn't worked either. Just venting.