Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid will be fine. They will go to a college that’s right for them. Parents put pressure on their kids to go to T20 schools and those schools are not right for everyone. There are great schools out there that have very successful alumni.

The problem is that even if you don’t pressure your kid to go to a top school, the high school culture is still focused on that goal. We actually forbade our kids to go to those schools: we told them we think they cost too much, and we told them that part of the “cost” we think is too high is the psychic cost of what it does to aspirants in high school. I sit there with my kid calculating how much her assignment-by-assignment grades won’t even affect her year-end grade (the only one that goes to colleges). It doesn’t matter. If a high school is a pressure cooker, as a parent you cannot take the pressure away except by pulling your kid out of the school entirely and cutting off their relationships with friends.

+1 you need to actively work to balance out the toxic messages they will get at school. Expose them to not-highly-rejective schools that you think might interest them. Take them to events at local colleges that are less selective. Point out people you know doing work they might find interesting and where that person went to college (if it's not a highly-rejective). The vast majority of people who are happy and successful don't go to those kinds of colleges (because just overall the vast majority of people don't go to those colleges) but it's easy to overlook that because in our world the undergrad only gets a mention if it is "impressive."

College admissions is a game; it's BS. The more we the public see that, the less power those colleges have on us.

That's Life, OP. It's been that way for years. You just didn't realize it, and a certain portion of the middle class from your generation was perhaps largely shielded from it at the high school level.

You have to teach your kid how to cope and be strategic. That's all.

I totally agree, but it’s an unfortunate reality. The truth is that a couple of Bs will not only cost your child admission at T20 schools, but often at state flagships as well.

For starters, don’t become rankings obsessed like a lot of the loons on this forum that endlessly bicker about utter non-sense like whether your life will be ruined if you go to Michigan vs. Cal because it is ranked one spot higher. Guide her to stay inquisitive and take the classes she wants, and it will all shake out. There are plenty of great schools out there. If she earns her way into a top 20-30 than great, if not than it wasn’t meant to be. If she’s stressing in 9th grade it will only get worse…not healthy. Trust me, having to take your kid to the psych ward in H.S. is no fun. Head it off now. Also recommend getting her some organization and time management training now, that goes a long way with reducing stress and allowing them to organize their lives to effectively study and learn maximize learning, skills that will last a lifetime. This right here is where you enter the Major Leagues of parenting because parenting is a verb and teenagers are tricky folks. Good luck.

My kids asked to be moved out of private to public. They also didn’t want to apply for any magnets or special programs (we are in MCPS). I was not just fine with it, but happy about this decision. My DD just got accepted to two schools she loves (with merit) and is taking time to make her decision.

I have a friend whose son went through magnet programs both in middle and high school, and is now at a top 20 school. He is miserable. He is a math major and said he will not continue with school because he can’t stand the competitive nature of all the kids he’s dealt with over the years. He said he’s done.

It is more than just college admissions, though. If your kid aims for Law, Finance, IB, or Consulting, the game is just beginning. They will need to play the game, sustain the grades, cherry-pick classes, etc etc for the next 8 years. They need to get into the right college and in college sustain a 3.8 GPA, so they will be surveying upperclassmen, reviewing rate my prof, etc to ensure they have the GPA to enter certain opportunities. If you are chasing prestige, it's more than just college admissions, you need to prepare yourself for the long game, and it's best to start coaching your kid now so they have the right perspective about things. If on the other hand, your kid just wants a regular ole engineering or business or liberal arts degree, that can be had at many T50-100 schools, and some of them are very good and rising.

I can see my kids ending up the same way and it makes me sad too. Since admissions are a lottery these days (especially if you’re not an URM) I’m encouraging them to do the things they want to do though, despite the grades. Not just what gives them the best shot at something that’s out of their control and may well be impossible anyway.

Anonymous wrote:Your kid will be fine. They will go to a college that’s right for them. Parents put pressure on their kids to go to T20 schools and those schools are not right for everyone. There are great schools out there that have very successful alumni.

The problem is that even if you don’t pressure your kid to go to a top school, the high school culture is still focused on that goal. We actually forbade our kids to go to those schools: we told them we think they cost too much, and we told them that part of the “cost” we think is too high is the psychic cost of what it does to aspirants in high school. I sit there with my kid calculating how much her assignment-by-assignment grades won’t even affect her year-end grade (the only one that goes to colleges). It doesn’t matter. If a high school is a pressure cooker, as a parent you cannot take the pressure away except by pulling your kid out of the school entirely and cutting off their relationships with friends.

Anonymous wrote:I have a hs freshman who started at a challenging high school. She got all A’s except for one class and I thought this was fabulous. That class was out of her area of comfort but she was super interested in the topic and worked hard, but the grading was very difficult. Yet she learned a ton from this class, probably more than in the classes she got perfect grades in. The school culture is very college oriented and from listening to other kids talk she believes any imperfect grade may end her chances at competitive college admissions. Now in selecting classes for next year she and her friends are very concerned about difficulty, which classes play to their strengths, and who is a hard teacher etc. My kid has always been naturally curious and wants to learn everything and try new things, but I feel like the looming threat of college admissions is already turning her into someone else who is afraid to take intellectual or academic risks. This makes me sad. Anyone else feel this way? Can anything be done about it? I don’t feel like we pressure her about getting into a top college, but even so the difficulty of getting into colleges is so talked up (maybe the talk is true, I don’t know) that it’s hurting our kids attitudes towards learning. I’m not sure if anyone can offer advice, but it’s just frustrating.

Over the long run, this is by far a more important attribute than getting into a “highly selective” college. There are hundreds of fantastic universities in this country, many of which accept more than 50% of applicants. Too many use low acceptance rate as a proxy for quality. It isn’t. Scarcity mindset for education is unnecessary and unhelpful.

Your kid will be fine. They will go to a college that’s right for them. Parents put pressure on their kids to go to T20 schools and those schools are not right for everyone. There are great schools out there that have very successful alumni.

That's the nature of the beasts we call competitive high schools and college admissions.

You can't do much, other than giving good advice and supporting their endeavors. In hindsight, these things wouldn't even matter. College admissions is a rigged lottery. All trying to play this game does is to make kids anxious, sleep deprived and miserable for four years of high school.

This is a "you're both right" situation.

Getting imperfect grades year after year may very well knock out the T10 or maybe T20 schools. If those are what you mean when you say "competitive colleges". Unless your kid is hooked.

I remember one AO saying, "listen kids, don't fret - one B is fine". He meant 1 B over 4 years. Or three years - 9th grade doesn't really count.

It's like saying a 95% on the SAT is great - it is. But it's also a 1410 and it's not getting you into Yale.

Best you can do is talk up some schools that make sense for all smart kids with Aish averages. When you hear a kid got into Princeton, say, "That's awesome. They're going to have so much fun". When you hear a kid got into Syracuse, say, "That's awesome. They're going to have so much fun."

Because that's true! Set the tone, it will be fine, And picking the easy teacher sometimes is fine too. high school is hard these days

I totally agree with you. My child is only in 8th grade so I don't have any advice, but I agree that the expectation that everyone get all As is damaging.

I have a hs freshman who started at a challenging high school. She got all A’s except for one class and I thought this was fabulous. That class was out of her area of comfort but she was super interested in the topic and worked hard, but the grading was very difficult. Yet she learned a ton from this class, probably more than in the classes she got perfect grades in. The school culture is very college oriented and from listening to other kids talk she believes any imperfect grade may end her chances at competitive college admissions. Now in selecting classes for next year she and her friends are very concerned about difficulty, which classes play to their strengths, and who is a hard teacher etc. My kid has always been naturally curious and wants to learn everything and try new things, but I feel like the looming threat of college admissions is already turning her into someone else who is afraid to take intellectual or academic risks. This makes me sad. Anyone else feel this way? Can anything be done about it? I don’t feel like we pressure her about getting into a top college, but even so the difficulty of getting into colleges is so talked up (maybe the talk is true, I don’t know) that it’s hurting our kids attitudes towards learning. I’m not sure if anyone can offer advice, but it’s just frustrating.