Anonymous wrote:Will you share your experience with me?

I don’t ever expect to “get over” losing my family member who is/was so dear to me. I just don’t know at what point will the grief no longer be the tears springing to my eyes, steal my breath, send me into deep sadness stage? Some days I feel like I can’t even function with everyday living. I miss them so much and cannot believe my life no longer has them in it.

I know other’s journeys are different and I’m not the first person to mourn so deeply. I just want to know that I will come out of this dark forest eventually.

For me, it took about 5 years. When I lost both of my parents at the same time, it felt like a deep gash on my soul, an empty void that will never be filled. At times it felt like my own life didn't even matter, nor my children who are still dependent on me. The what if you were still here/what would you be doing now plagued me. I cried almost every day, at the oddest times and the most random thing/experience triggered me. It won't ever be the same, OP, but try to make a conscientious choice to slowly pull yourself out of the murk. It will get better, promise.

Anonymous wrote:so sorry for your loss. I lost my DH a year ago and it's still hard. Grief hits in waves and sometimes totally unexpectedly. I feel utterly alone-despite friends and family checking in. I still struggle with denial and anger. Time doesn't really heal. Grief, I don't think ever ends-we just learn how to live with it. Hugs

Hugs to you as well. I’ve been holding fast to this quote shared with me:

Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.
Jamie Anderson

Anonymous wrote:When you say “is/was” are you saying the person is not dead?

I’m sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. Sometimes grief support groups can help, or therapy.

The person passed away. I’m having trouble using the past tense for him, but realize the present tense is confusing.

Thank everyone.

so sorry for your loss. I lost my DH a year ago and it's still hard. Grief hits in waves and sometimes totally unexpectedly. I feel utterly alone-despite friends and family checking in. I still struggle with denial and anger. Time doesn't really heal. Grief, I don't think ever ends-we just learn how to live with it. Hugs

It gets better, but it never completely goes away. I used to cry on the way home from work every day. That was my time to let it out. Now it's been decades, and there are entire days that I don't have that feeling. But, every now and then something happens and the grief grabs me. It's less often as time goes on. I still think of them every day, but it's more often with love, not pain.

Yesterday was the 36th anniversary of my younger brother's death by suicide. He had just turned 21 six weeks prior and I was 22. Just typing those two sentences made my eyes well up and throat close. Yet, there are other times I can talk about him freely and without the visceral pain.

I think it depends on the what it is about him I'm talking about. If I'm talking about his life, what he was like, stories about him, etc., I'm okay. But, when it is about the loss of him, I get overwhelmed by the sorrow and tragedy. I'm pretty good at not thinking about that but it, of course, comes up. I've got 3 kids who are young adults and I've worked hard to keep them off the road my younger brother was on. Can't get around talking about what happened and why.

After his death, some of my coping strategies weren't the best. I knew it at the time but I just wanted something to take my mind off my grief. That phase lasted about 5 months. It was probably another year after that I no longer thought about him every single day. After about 4 years, I only thought about him occassionally. Now, I really only think about him on his birthday/death day, when triggered by something or if the kids ask about him.

I know this is going to sound a little odd but.....A couple of years ago, a new staff member was assigned to my team. He didn't look like my brother but he reminded me so much of him that I want to believe that my brother's spirit had passed to him. I like to think that my brother got another chance with this lovely young man. They even have the same first name. Odd, I know but it comforts me.

When you say “is/was” are you saying the person is not dead?

I’m sorry you are feeling so overwhelmed. Sometimes grief support groups can help, or therapy.

Grief is different for all of us, depending who died. Were they older or young person who has missed out on the prime of their life? Be aware that grief is often a roller coaster, one moment you are fine and the next, tear-y for no apparent reason. Be kind to yourself and give it time.

I’m sorry OP. It is not easy to lose a loved one.

For my deepest losses, I would say it took about 5 yrs before I felt peace & not just pain when I thought of them.

Now, 20 yrs later, I can think of them very fondly without feeling that acute pain. It just takes time, be patient with yourself.

I will be forever sad about losing my soul dog and about being pressured into an abortion by my jerk DH. I think about those two losses almost daily. It gets less painful with time, but it’s painful nonetheless. Humans are adaptable, we learn to live with grief.
I am sorry you are joining this club, OP.

Listen to Anderson Cooper's podcast about grief, very helpful.

I mourned more for our family dog at age 12 than for my mother at age 44. When my dog died I was sad for myself and all the things I couldn't do with her anymore and all the ways I couldn't watch her and interact with her. When my mother died I was just sorry for her because she always claimed to love life but not for myself.

Maybe try focusing on the good parts of their life they had while alive rather than on the details of how they died and the fact that they're not here for you anymore?

Will you share your experience with me?

I don’t ever expect to “get over” losing my family member who is/was so dear to me. I just don’t know at what point will the grief no longer be the tears springing to my eyes, steal my breath, send me into deep sadness stage? Some days I feel like I can’t even function with everyday living. I miss them so much and cannot believe my life no longer has them in it.

I know other’s journeys are different and I’m not the first person to mourn so deeply. I just want to know that I will come out of this dark forest eventually.