Anonymous wrote:Nope never. My ear drum never healed right...

OP here. I am so, so sorry.

Anonymous wrote:Apologies, yes, but sincere apologies, no.

+1 DP
I get the “I’m sorry I was such a horrible mother” followed by a guilt trip - only from my mom. Then a few hours later it might followed up by something to insult me, like I should do XX or I’m not doing XX enough, blah, blah, blah. I ignore it. Funny thing (not really) is that they would be appalled by the idea of my kids getting spanked (we don’t). I distinctly remember my father whipping me with a belt until my legs bled for losing a key to a padlock I put on the gate when I was 7. What an a$$hole. When I think about it and look at my own 8 year old, I just wonder how anyone could even think that was ok. My mom, of course, just backed my dad up- ‘why did you put the lock on the gate?’. My parents are still married and I don’t really ever talk to my dad - I can’t imagine why. Also, if he had whipped an adult like that, he would be jailed - but somehow it’s okay to do it to a vulnerable child.

Nope never. My ear drum never healed right...

Nope my insane mother would never apologize she knows all.

OP, you DID deserve better. And your parents are wholly responsible for their own shortcomings and inability to be safe and nurturing parents. You will have grief about this- it is a natural thing to grieve. If you’re not doing so already, maybe process with a therapist. And the amazing part is you’re breaking the cycle and being the parent you needed to your own kids. What strength! You should feel good about yourself for your ability to provide the loving and safe environment to your own kids that your parents were not able to provide for you.

OP here. Thank you all. I’m 45 and I don’t know why I’ve been suddenly struggling with all this for the first time. There’s something about the ages my girls are now that makes a lot of memories come up.

One more question: I know both my parents had it “worse” than I did, as far as the way their parents treated them.

What I don’t understand is how the cultural shift happened. Why even my parents themselves would be shocked if I told them I beat MY kids with a belt, you know. How did “times change” if our parents’ generation still doesn’t admit they did anything wrong? How did society make such a big shift?

What difference will it make? It sounds like you would hate them regardless.

No. I don't want it either. Driving drunk was the norm. I would not have known to ask an apology for that.

That would require self-awareness and humility. Our boomer parents generation do not have either.

Anonymous wrote:Hitting with belts
Washing mouths out with soap
Kicking out of a car and making to walk miles home (no cell phones, dangerous area)
Driving drunk and we knew about it
The list goes on
Constant yelling and screaming

Some of these things still haunt me, still bother me. It’s like the better I do as a parent, the worse I feel as a human because I know I would not get the same treatment in the moment. When I do an especially good job not yelling, not EVER getting physical, when I stop and take an extra breath and am very calm and patient, there’s this parallel me asking why I didn’t deserve better treatment. Why didn’t I deserve no hitting ever, no rage-outs, not ever driving drunk?

Has anyone ever asked for and actually gotten a real apology for abusive behavior?

OP, the answer is that you did deserve better treatment, and the reason you didn't get it has nothing to do with you. I have never met you and yet I am 100% sure of this.

Try to reframe your parenting now as what you also deserved. Tell yourself that and try to really believe it.

Also, I know it seems cliche but consider therapy. You don't need an apology from your abuser to heal.

Apologies, yes, but sincere apologies, no.

I did get one and decided to accept it even though I didn’t believe it. For me, this was more about my own healing rather than getting them to see they are messed up, which they won’t see or admit.

It's completely unreasonable of you to think an apology would matter, even if you could get one - considering how evil they are.

Focus on the your life now. The life you *can* control. You looking at the past does nothing good for your here-and-now.

Not really. My mom acknowledged what she did was wrong and apologized for that. But in the same breath she had excuses for it and then tried to play the pity me card.

Hitting with belts
Washing mouths out with soap
Kicking out of a car and making to walk miles home (no cell phones, dangerous area)
Driving drunk and we knew about it
The list goes on
Constant yelling and screaming

Some of these things still haunt me, still bother me. It’s like the better I do as a parent, the worse I feel as a human because I know I would not get the same treatment in the moment. When I do an especially good job not yelling, not EVER getting physical, when I stop and take an extra breath and am very calm and patient, there’s this parallel me asking why I didn’t deserve better treatment. Why didn’t I deserve no hitting ever, no rage-outs, not ever driving drunk?

Has anyone ever asked for and actually gotten a real apology for abusive behavior?