I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you were venting here because I think that venting at your mother would just add more drama to your life which you don’t need right now. I just wanted to say that I have a lot of experience with Elder care and I think it’s quite possible that your mother is old enough that she is in the early stages of dementia or at least, some cognitive decline. That’s why she has trouble with all the doctors appointments. Doesn’t make it easier on you to know that, but that may be what’s happening here. Before my mother was diagnosed with dementia, I found her so frustrating. The reality was, she couldn’t help herself.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad you were venting here because I think that venting at your mother would just add more drama to your life which you don’t need right now. I just wanted to say that I have a lot of experience with Elder care and I think it’s quite possible that your mother is old enough that she is in the early stages of dementia or at least, some cognitive decline. That’s why she has trouble with all the doctors appointments. Doesn’t make it easier on you to know that, but that may be what’s happening here. Before my mother was diagnosed with dementia, I found her so frustrating. The reality was, she couldn’t help herself.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For gods sake, she's your mother. You owe it to her to take care of her.

Did you miss the entire thread?

1. This is labelled explicitly a "vent"
More importantly, she DID and DOES take care of her mother. That's why she missed out on time with her now dead grandson -- because she WAS taking care of her mother instead.

Um she said she is overwhelmed with hatred for her mom, blames her for being ill, has zero sympathy, and beyond hatred said she is "thinking much worse"- wow I guess you wish she wasn't around?

Sorry this goes beyond a vent. Pure nastiness.

I would hate my mother too if she selfishly demanded to be cared for (after not taking care of herself) when my grandchild was dying. Yeah, mom does not trump dying grandchild.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

Perhaps it's time to step back a bit from your mother's care, regardless of what she needs. You're grieving and in physical and mental pain. Do you have a spouse or close friends to lean on at this difficult time? You need to take care of your own health, and sometimes it's wise to put yourself first - something you haven't done in a long, long time, no doubt.

Big hugs from me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For gods sake, she's your mother. You owe it to her to take care of her.

Did you miss the entire thread?

1. This is labelled explicitly a "vent"
More importantly, she DID and DOES take care of her mother. That's why she missed out on time with her now dead grandson -- because she WAS taking care of her mother instead.

Um she said she is overwhelmed with hatred for her mom, blames her for being ill, has zero sympathy, and beyond hatred said she is "thinking much worse"- wow I guess you wish she wasn't around?

Sorry this goes beyond a vent. Pure nastiness.

I’ve been overwhelmed with hatred for my selfish mother, I’ve blamed her for being ill, I’ve had no sympathy for her at times and I’m not OP. If you haven’t lived this nightmare you really don’t have any right to chime in. Save your venom for another thread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For gods sake, she's your mother. You owe it to her to take care of her.

Did you miss the entire thread?

1. This is labelled explicitly a "vent"
More importantly, she DID and DOES take care of her mother. That's why she missed out on time with her now dead grandson -- because she WAS taking care of her mother instead.

Um she said she is overwhelmed with hatred for her mom, blames her for being ill, has zero sympathy, and beyond hatred said she is "thinking much worse"- wow I guess you wish she wasn't around?

Sorry this goes beyond a vent. Pure nastiness.

She is saying this from a place of grief of LOSING HER GRANDCHILD, YOU MORON. You are pure nastiness. To kick a grieving grandma while she’s down. You are pure evil. Not just nasty: evil.

There are some truly hateful people on these boards. Ignore them OP. I’ve felt your feelings and I didn’t even have to couple in the loss of a loved one on top of everything. You’re feelings are valid OP.

Oh my OP, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Puts my complaints to shame, I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. Vent all you want, feel your feelings, get it out, be mad, be sad. I’m just so so sorry for the loss of your beautiful grandson. And I’m sorry your mom is so needy. I can relate to that part and it isn’t easy.

Is there a way to get her set up then take a break? Can she go to rehab after her surgery? That could give you a break. Does she have means for you to hire someone for her on her dime? My mom refused for years and was a gigantic burden on me but once I was forced to hire helpers (she needed a sitter in rehab) she ended up loving the attention and got used to it, so I could transition to someone else and reduce the time I needed to spend with her.

I’m tearing up reading this OP. What an untenable and unfair position you were put in. I don’t know what’s right but I think you must take time for yourself to mourn and support your own child. You and then your child are the priority. Your mother should care about this as the mother grandmother and great grandmother too. Take care!

OP, I am so sorry for your loss.

You are sweet to want to be involved with your grandchild at all.

I’m sorry that you weren’t able to be with him when he died.

I know that feeling well.

My best advice is look for what is controllable here. Is your mother capable of driving or just unwilling to? Is she using medical anxiety as an excuse for codependency? Or has she handed over POA to you and that is why you have to be present?

OP, I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. It sounds like you are really in the midst of a lot of crises right now. I hope you are able to make space to mourn your grandchild and support your adult child through this. Hopefully you can use this tragedy as an opportunity to set a firm boundary with you mom. You could say to her "I am not available to help you for the foreseeable future. I am needed by my own adult child." And let the chips fall as they may.

I'm so sorry, for the loss of your sweet grandson, and for your selfish mother. No one will fault you for the emotional turmoil you're feeling. Hugs to you.

Oh dear, OP. That is terrible. I am so sorry for the loss of your grandson. You need some time to grieve.

What happens if you just.....drop the rope. Don't engage with your mother for at least a little bit.

OP, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for your loss. I am here to listen to anything you want to share, any thought you want to get out. I 100% understand why you need to think, feel, and voice these feelings, whether they are “right” or not. I promise, I personally will not argue, play devil’s advocate, or chastise you for any feeling you want to share.

For the purposes of this forum, I will sign as “Sally.” Others may try to talk you out of feeling your feelings, but I won’t. I will just listen, receive, and understand. Because you deserve to be heard right now.

-Sally

My mom is 74 and completely helpless. I have spent the past 2 hours calling doctors, scanning records, obtaining records, calling more doctors and therapists, etc. to help her with a hip surgery. I can't understand how someone who professes to be so intelligent can't maneuver the health care system at all. Yesterday, I spent 3 hours driving to/from, and sitting with her, helping her answer the most basic of questions at her pre-anesthisa appt. I'm so frustrated and annoyed because I'd asked her to just stay at the SNF for one month prior to surgery, but she didn't want to pay out of pocket. I asked her to just pay for the one month, so they could take care of her and get her to all the pre-op appts so I could focus on my grandson, who was having open heart surgery on 2/13.

She's taken up so much of my time over the past 14 months. Because of her medical issues and multiple appts (all self-inflicted due to obesity and not taking care of herself over the years), I missed lots of time with my grandson. (His medical fragility meant if I had the sniffles, I couldn't be with him.) He spent the first 3 months of his life in NICU, but even once he came home, she kept me running around caring for her. She ran me down, so if I wasn't sick myself, I was too tired to spend all my time with him. My son was sick the week before his surgery, so I could only visit with my grandson outside. I couldn't even hold him. Then, I was sick the 3 days before his surgery and could only see him via facetime. I blame every bit of this on my mom.

My grandson died 14 hours after his surgery, in the early morning of 2/14. My heart is broken and all she cares about is that I take care of her. I am having thoughts too terrible to even write out.