Anonymous
Post 02/23/2024 11:27     Subject: Eldercare, sadness and money
Anonymous wrote:Do you need to have a funeral home funeral?

3 of my grandparents had funerals at churches. Those were really memorial services. And they were scheduled a while after the deaths in order to facilitate family participation at low cost.

My family only does cremation. And no open casket/viewings.

I believe this would save a lot of money.


How to avoid a funeral home altogether? Call a cremation society directly upon death? Are there other things to know?

OP, while I can offer no expertise here, I agree with posters that whatever you do, you should do all you can to prioritize your children.

Also I’m grateful you posted this, bc we are in a similar circumstance. It would be a choice between having what we need for death services and having what we need for our kids. We absolutely want to prioritize the kids.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2024 11:02     Subject: Eldercare, sadness and money
Anonymous wrote:Do you need to have a funeral home funeral?

3 of my grandparents had funerals at churches. Those were really memorial services. And they were scheduled a while after the deaths in order to facilitate family participation at low cost.

My family only does cremation. And no open casket/viewings.

I believe this would save a lot of money.


This is a Jewish funeral so cannot be scheduled later. Cremation is a no. It will be just graveside and the simplest coffin possible. It is still expensive.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2024 10:52     Subject: Eldercare, sadness and money
Do you need to have a funeral home funeral?

3 of my grandparents had funerals at churches. Those were really memorial services. And they were scheduled a while after the deaths in order to facilitate family participation at low cost.

My family only does cremation. And no open casket/viewings.

I believe this would save a lot of money.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2024 10:49     Subject: Eldercare, sadness and money
Anonymous wrote:Cremation is an option too but not as cheap as it used to be...


Call whatever local cremation society based on where the deceased is located. Cremation via a funeral home is super expensive. BTDT recently with my father and I have huge regrets about not going directly with a cremation society.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2024 10:13     Subject: Eldercare, sadness and money
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.




Agreed that this is the starting point. Time for DH to have a family financial meeting with his parents and get a clear picture of assets/income/ debts/expenses. They may be eligible for SNAP, energy assistance (called HEAP in some states, look up rules for their state). Only after they adjust their budget and access any programs they’re eligible for do you and your DH discuss whether and how much you want to/can contribute.


They are in their early 70s. They live in a very nice building, are renting and still both work. The issue is they are irresponsible with savings and are paycheck to paycheck, so they seem like they are doing fine if you look at them from the outside, but they are not. A $300 plane ticket is a BIG deal for them. We tried to talk to them about all this years ago when we had to bail them out, gave them financial adviser info...they never went. They are like teenagers and refuse to listen. It's an extremely frustrating situation. Dh is an only so it is even more pressure.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2024 10:07     Subject: Eldercare, sadness and money
Cremation is an option too but not as cheap as it used to be...
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2024 10:06     Subject: Eldercare, sadness and money
Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.




Agreed that this is the starting point. Time for DH to have a family financial meeting with his parents and get a clear picture of assets/income/ debts/expenses. They may be eligible for SNAP, energy assistance (called HEAP in some states, look up rules for their state). Only after they adjust their budget and access any programs they’re eligible for do you and your DH discuss whether and how much you want to/can contribute.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2024 10:03     Subject: Eldercare, sadness and money
Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.




A minimalist funeral with a pine box is 10k, fwiw.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2024 09:59     Subject: Eldercare, sadness and money
I know this all too well...sigh....the VA does help with burial....you'll need the DD214 which can be found online and the death certificate....before that you still need to cover the body transport, prep with the funeral home which you'll have to pay out of pocket...

And I get you with the what next, ours had a small Colonial Penn policy so Mom in law reimbursed some of what we paid but not all...in fact see if you can do that for your in-laws, it's just a death benefit that the funeral home costs will probably eat up but better than having nothing at all.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2024 09:59     Subject: Eldercare, sadness and money
Anonymous wrote:
Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.




Have you been through this personally?
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2024 09:58     Subject: Eldercare, sadness and money
They go on welfare like everyone else who didn’t plan for their future.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2024 09:55     Subject: Eldercare, sadness and money

Get a grip on yourself, OP. You and your husband are not responsible for your in-laws' comfort in their waning years.

There are government agencies that help keep seniors keep body and soul together - call their county's senior helpline and ask what services are available for your FIL and MIL. It could be meals on wheels, or something else. When they cannot live independently, they can go into a Medicaid facility.

For the funeral, do your due diligence on the VA option. Make all the calls. Pitch in whatever is needed for a minimalist funeral. The dead won't care, and the living can't afford fancy, so minimal it is. If FIL and MIL can't afford to attend, they can't afford to attend.

There is no need to panic over the future. Your first duty is to your children. You will not cover basic costs for your in-laws. Period.


Anonymous
Post 02/23/2024 09:47     Subject: Eldercare, sadness and money
Anonymous wrote:Yeah. Same situation. We were about to buy a new car and my FIL passed away so we had to pay 12k for the funeral and plot. DH siblings don’t have any extra money and neither do most of the relatives. They chipped all together 3k.
The other bummer is that he passed away on the 29th of the month so we had to pay back his social security for that month as well!


Yes, we were about to buy another car as well. I feel like we can pay this funeral expense, but then we won't get the car, and then what next? I can see all of our savings being eventually swallowed up in costs that are not even our own, for dh's family, and I am completely panicking. It's terrible because it should be a time of mourning and not a time to be thinking about this all. I feel both sad and like an awful person.
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2024 09:44     Subject: Eldercare, sadness and money
Yeah. Same situation. We were about to buy a new car and my FIL passed away so we had to pay 12k for the funeral and plot. DH siblings don’t have any extra money and neither do most of the relatives. They chipped all together 3k.
The other bummer is that he passed away on the 29th of the month so we had to pay back his social security for that month as well!
Anonymous
Post 02/23/2024 09:28     Subject: Eldercare, sadness and money
I am feeling very overwhelmed. My dh's grandma died a month ago and now his grandpa died. Everyone on dh's side is entirely broke. Dh's grandma had saved for her funeral expenses, that was used up. Now there is no more money. My in-laws can barely afford the cost of going to the funeral out of state. Dh's grandpa does not have a plot bc they sold that plot since he is a veteran and they figured he can be buried through the VA (I don't know how much cheaper that is). I am sort of in a panic about it all, we can help with these costs, but what next? My in-laws are not old yet, and will need so many costs covered as well moving forward, just as our kids are going to go to college. We have saved but we are not rich. I guess I am just venting and wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation.