Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and suggestions. It's very, very helpful. I just went through and wrote every suggestion down on a yellow pad. Paper is now pinned on the wall (labeled: "Mom.")

She's definitely digging heels in, so I also like the suggestions for framing the conversation, eg: (a) the idea that we're trying to help maintain her independence/autonomy, and this is how we do it, (b) every adult, regardless of age, needs their affairs in order such that another adult could step in and keep things running, and (c) she'd probably prefer her kids make decisions on her behalf than an unknown court-appointed social worker. SUPER helpful, all of it.

I'm going to get that Amazon book, too. The title might be a bit much for Mom! But will be helpful to me as I try to understand this new landscape.

Honestly, the whole thing sucks. But being able to ask for help, and getting it, helps. Thank you.

It does suck, but you’re doing the right things. If she’s not receptive, try again in a few months. Hopefully she will hear your good intentions and work with you.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry to hijack, but any advice for my father who likely has a dementia diagnosis in his future, but is physically still hale and hearty? He is intensely private by nature, and now memory loss and anxiety have exacerbated his fear of sharing confidential information. My mother has no access to the accounts, even though they are all joint ones - he's not sharing logins and passwords. Stuff that's written down is cryptic and incomprehensible to us. She's getting worried about accessing money when he's unable to manage the household by himself...

This sounds worrisome. Before it goes on too long, it be worth calling the banks etc. and explaining and asking for their recommendations? They've surely dealt with this before. Maybe if you got a doctor's note, the banks, etc., could quietly allow her to set up parallel account access. Glad that the accounts are joint!

OP here. I really appreciate everyone's thoughts and suggestions. It's very, very helpful. I just went through and wrote every suggestion down on a yellow pad. Paper is now pinned on the wall (labeled: "Mom.")

She's definitely digging heels in, so I also like the suggestions for framing the conversation, eg: (a) the idea that we're trying to help maintain her independence/autonomy, and this is how we do it, (b) every adult, regardless of age, needs their affairs in order such that another adult could step in and keep things running, and (c) she'd probably prefer her kids make decisions on her behalf than an unknown court-appointed social worker. SUPER helpful, all of it.

I'm going to get that Amazon book, too. The title might be a bit much for Mom! But will be helpful to me as I try to understand this new landscape.

Honestly, the whole thing sucks. But being able to ask for help, and getting it, helps. Thank you.

Healthcare and financial POA, information on all accounts and bills (credit cards, banks, mortgage services, utilities, life insurance policies, etc). If possible and the loved one is still cognizant make sure all beneficiary information for all accounts that can have beneficiaries are filled out and accurate. Some accounts can be set up payable upon death. If there’s online access get usernames, passwords and security question answers. Get the phone and email passwords as well. The more information you have now the easier it’s going to be later.

I’m the one in the family that ended up taking care of the elders. The only thing that ever really helped in making plans and changes was something like this,

“Gran, right now you have your faculties. If you make plans now you will have more power and control over what happens in the future. When things have to change because of an emergency, your options will be limited. If I have to go to court to ask for control when you can’t speak for yourself, you could end up at the mercy of a social worker. Now is the time for you to decide what happens in the future. Let me help you maintain as much autonomy as you can, and help me understand your intentions and desires if someone needs to step in because you aren’t able to speak for yourself. This is also a gift to me, because if I need to be a caretaker for you, I want to be able to direct my energies to that, not dealing with bureaucracy.”

Hopefully you and your sister are on the same page and can present a united front. She needs a healthcare and financial POA as well as an estate plan.

eh, thanks for ... adding nothing to the discussion.

Anonymous wrote:Best to ask to be put on her accounts. If it makes her feel better, don't change how she gets her statements. She can review them and over time she will have see nothing has changed - you aren't taking money out. She should completely trust you. Are you the only child, clearly the "next of kin"? Hospital/legal entities will grant you *some* powers based solely on that, without any paperwork. After their death, eventually, the probate court would track you down and provide you with info re: their estate and next steps. But that's extremely inefficient.

No no no!!!!

Sorry to hijack, but any advice for my father who likely has a dementia diagnosis in his future, but is physically still hale and hearty? He is intensely private by nature, and now memory loss and anxiety have exacerbated his fear of sharing confidential information. My mother has no access to the accounts, even though they are all joint ones - he's not sharing logins and passwords. Stuff that's written down is cryptic and incomprehensible to us. She's getting worried about accessing money when he's unable to manage the household by himself...

If she doesn't want to share this with you or take steps - my dad is very private and controlling and would never put me on his own accounts - you could buy them a book from Amazon called, "I'm dead, now what?" At the very least it gets her thinking of all the pieces there are to this puzzle, and she starts writing stuff down. This got the ball rolling with my stubborn, still-sorta-independent 80 year old parents.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you. I have one sibling. We are on the same page, but I live much closer.

My mom says there’s no need to share information yet, she’s still independent. (But for how long? And will there ever come that magic moment when she decides now is the time to share important info or take important steps?). She has been given the health proxy form multiple times but hasn’t actually filled it out. I don’t have any information about accounts/bills/income/etc. She missed at least one important bill recently. She did not tell me this — someone else did, quietly, bc they thought I should know.

The conversations are challenging, so I’m trying to really focus my efforts on the most important pieces of info. I wish there were training about this stage of life.

And that's great, but every adult should have their affairs organized so that if, because of someone else's mistake (car accident! Illness that sends someone to the hospital!), another adult can step in and keep things running.

Ideally, she'd be sharing info with you, setting up autopsy, etc., but I think you have to let her accept late fees as the price of independence.

You can start paying her bills. This helps her move into letting others help.

Get a power of attorney and a health care directive. A lawyer can write these up.
She can add your name to bank accounts, at least one that you may need to use to pay for expenses if she gets sick or dies; I had to go in person to do this.
Find out if she has will and/or trust (and where it is) as well as any brokerage accounts, etc. At least know of their existence but account numbers are best.
Know her SSN and driver's license numbers.
Find out if she has a safety deposit box and who she pays bills to; you will cancel these at some point.
Have a discussion about how she wants to be buried or cremated. Have her buy a pre-need from a funeral home or save money for this. About 2K for cremation and at least 10K for burial plus cemetery plot is more (have dealt with both for family members).

Thank you. I have one sibling. We are on the same page, but I live much closer.

My mom says there’s no need to share information yet, she’s still independent. (But for how long? And will there ever come that magic moment when she decides now is the time to share important info or take important steps?). She has been given the health proxy form multiple times but hasn’t actually filled it out. I don’t have any information about accounts/bills/income/etc. She missed at least one important bill recently. She did not tell me this — someone else did, quietly, bc they thought I should know.

The conversations are challenging, so I’m trying to really focus my efforts on the most important pieces of info. I wish there were training about this stage of life.

Best to ask to be put on her accounts. If it makes her feel better, don't change how she gets her statements. She can review them and over time she will have see nothing has changed - you aren't taking money out. She should completely trust you. Are you the only child, clearly the "next of kin"? Hospital/legal entities will grant you *some* powers based solely on that, without any paperwork. After their death, eventually, the probate court would track you down and provide you with info re: their estate and next steps. But that's extremely inefficient.

If an aging (80s) parent is unmarried, lives independently but with increasing health issues, and has no advisors/attorney/etc, is there some minimum information a second party (adult child or some other trusted individual) should have about their financial/legal situation?

Is there a checklist somewhere? Ideally one that can gently encourage an aging parent to share some basic info…with someone?