Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you have a dinner party or book club for your friends? Are they invited to everything? Or if yiu want to go on an outing with just your kids? Or order food they dont like for dinner?

If we have a dinner at home, we tell them ahead of time they're welcome to join us. We will let whoever we're inviting know. They may join us, or may choose to go out to eat or to another relative's home for dinner. If we have book club, well, they're not in my book club so they wouldn't join. We have gone on outtings with the kids and it's no problem. We let each other know if we won't be home for dinner - they've gone out to try a few new restaurants since moving here. We all can find something we like to eat.

Are you all a very outgoing, social bunch? I am tired just reading this. I wouldn't want to always be touching base with people about plans.

I think they just sound like a family. Maybe with 3 generations, but they are acting pretty much like our family with just one generation acts/behaves.

Good for you OP. I wish this was more accepted in this society. I think everyone wins.

OP, I have a similar setup with my ILs - it's been 8 years now.

The biggest tension we have these days is that MIL is depressed and does not get out much. Which leads her to look to the rest of us as her social calendar and also as the recipient of her anger. So we have to ignore it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you have a dinner party or book club for your friends? Are they invited to everything? Or if yiu want to go on an outing with just your kids? Or order food they dont like for dinner?

If we have a dinner at home, we tell them ahead of time they're welcome to join us. We will let whoever we're inviting know. They may join us, or may choose to go out to eat or to another relative's home for dinner. If we have book club, well, they're not in my book club so they wouldn't join. We have gone on outtings with the kids and it's no problem. We let each other know if we won't be home for dinner - they've gone out to try a few new restaurants since moving here. We all can find something we like to eat.

Are you all a very outgoing, social bunch? I am tired just reading this. I wouldn't want to always be touching base with people about plans.

We're more just easy going. We'll discuss at breakfast if someone won't be there for dinner that night. It's not a big deal. If the in-laws have someone over they are generally either in the kitchen or their downstairs living room. We have a living room on the main level plus a den. So plenty of space to spread out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you have a dinner party or book club for your friends? Are they invited to everything? Or if yiu want to go on an outing with just your kids? Or order food they dont like for dinner?

If we have a dinner at home, we tell them ahead of time they're welcome to join us. We will let whoever we're inviting know. They may join us, or may choose to go out to eat or to another relative's home for dinner. If we have book club, well, they're not in my book club so they wouldn't join. We have gone on outtings with the kids and it's no problem. We let each other know if we won't be home for dinner - they've gone out to try a few new restaurants since moving here. We all can find something we like to eat.

Are you all a very outgoing, social bunch? I am tired just reading this. I wouldn't want to always be touching base with people about plans.

OP says that her in-laws are only in their 60s, healthy, very active, and social, and FIL is still working part time. They also have their own space on the ground floor of OP's home. It sounds like everyone gets along and there are no personality conflicts.

So long as the in-laws stay married, continue to be healthy and active and don't rely on OP and her family for their social lives, the arrangement will likely continue to work well.

It's a completely different situation when the parents or in-laws are single, widowed, or divorced, elderly, with physical and/or mental health challenges, dementia, or are totally dependent on the adult children for their entertainment and social lives. Or when they don't have their own private space and spend most of their time in the common areas of the house. That's when the interference and the resentment starts. Ask me how I know.

Anonymous wrote:What happens if you have a dinner party or book club for your friends? Are they invited to everything? Or if yiu want to go on an outing with just your kids? Or order food they dont like for dinner?

If we have a dinner at home, we tell them ahead of time they're welcome to join us. We will let whoever we're inviting know. They may join us, or may choose to go out to eat or to another relative's home for dinner. If we have book club, well, they're not in my book club so they wouldn't join. We have gone on outtings with the kids and it's no problem. We let each other know if we won't be home for dinner - they've gone out to try a few new restaurants since moving here. We all can find something we like to eat.

This usually only works out with maternal grandparents so congrats on this working out so well with your ILs, OP! Agree with pp that it works until someone falls, gets cancer, or dementia sets in. Then you have the option of moving one or both to assisted living or bringing in caregivers.

That post gave me cold sweats. I'd move into my car rather than live with my in-laws.

Anonymous wrote:At the new year, my MIL and FIL moved in with us. They have a bedroom and bathroom on the ground floor, a little living room, and a little space with a sink, coffee pot, mini fridge.

They moved in with us because we had the space, they were ready to downsize, all the kids and grandkids live in this area and they were previously across the country. DH and I had many intense talks before inviting them, and we had a couple of intense talks with them about how things would look. So far, so good. They're only in their 60,s very active, very social, healthy, etc. FIL is still working part time. They moved here right after Christmas and jumped right into the community and getting involved with things. In the mornings, MIL gets the kids dressed while FIL makes breakfast for everyone, so DH and I can go work out. We get home, eat breakfast in like 5 minutes, one of us cleans up from breakfast while the other take the kids to school, shower and start work. FIL walks the dog. Sometimes MIL goes with him. Whoever is hungry first makes lunch for the four of us. Someone else cleans up. MIL starts dinner, FIL sets the table, DH walks the dog. FIL reads to the kids after dinner, MIL helps with homework and pjs.

We don't ask them to take the kids anywhere or drive them, but invite them to come with us if they're around. We handle cleaning the house, our and the kids laundry, food shopping, etc.

This is glorious. They are easy-going enough and pleasant, friendly, happy people who like to be busy and social. They've already had new friends over. Is this really what it's like, or is there a honeymoon period and it's all going to fall apart?

Sounds like an anomaly! At least at dcum. Sounds like it's working out great for you.

What happens if you have a dinner party or book club for your friends? Are they invited to everything? Or if yiu want to go on an outing with just your kids? Or order food they dont like for dinner?

We were able to do this for ten years. There were real benefits for my mother and also our DCs in having someone home in the afternoon. It fell apart when my mother started falling and even with PT/OT and an aide coming in we could not keep her home. She is an assisted living facility now. I would say it is good to have a tentative plan for something like this. We were completely blindsided.

I thibk it works well for easy going people if they are the guests. I know several families living 3 gen and it works for them if everyone is generally chill, doesnt have huge expectations and is open about communication and not offended. My kids spend a ton of tim with my parents but every time my mom is at my house she manages to say at least 3 things that offends me (i brush off) and i say at least one thing that bothers her (and she tells me about it over the phone later). So we could never live together based onbpwrsonalities.

Sounds great! I'm happy that it works for you.

I think as long as they're reasonable people who generally respect boundaries, chances are good that it will continue to work out.

It lasts until their health (mental or physical) starts to fail. Then it's not necessarily terrible - it was stressful to have my mom live with us during Covid and while going through chemo, but would have been even more stressful watching her navigate it from 2000 miles away - but it's not a honeymoon anymore. Just your garden-variety sandwich generation stuff, but hopefully with some economic benefit from everone being in one house.

At the new year, my MIL and FIL moved in with us. They have a bedroom and bathroom on the ground floor, a little living room, and a little space with a sink, coffee pot, mini fridge.

They moved in with us because we had the space, they were ready to downsize, all the kids and grandkids live in this area and they were previously across the country. DH and I had many intense talks before inviting them, and we had a couple of intense talks with them about how things would look. So far, so good. They're only in their 60,s very active, very social, healthy, etc. FIL is still working part time. They moved here right after Christmas and jumped right into the community and getting involved with things. In the mornings, MIL gets the kids dressed while FIL makes breakfast for everyone, so DH and I can go work out. We get home, eat breakfast in like 5 minutes, one of us cleans up from breakfast while the other take the kids to school, shower and start work. FIL walks the dog. Sometimes MIL goes with him. Whoever is hungry first makes lunch for the four of us. Someone else cleans up. MIL starts dinner, FIL sets the table, DH walks the dog. FIL reads to the kids after dinner, MIL helps with homework and pjs.

We don't ask them to take the kids anywhere or drive them, but invite them to come with us if they're around. We handle cleaning the house, our and the kids laundry, food shopping, etc.

This is glorious. They are easy-going enough and pleasant, friendly, happy people who like to be busy and social. They've already had new friends over. Is this really what it's like, or is there a honeymoon period and it's all going to fall apart?