Anonymous
Post 02/20/2024 09:31     Subject: Depressed by prospect of eldercare
OP. You know what you can and can’t handle and I say listen to that carefully. I didn’t know what I was getting into when I said I’d help and it’s left me a shell of myself.

My mother is 3K miles away and my sister lives in the same place. My sister said to me “Mom asked me if she was difficult”. Difficult? She’s in assisted living and everyone is her slave now. She refuses to walk. If her remote drops, she rings her buzzer or calls for my sister. My sister was sick recently and my mother didn’t even care. THAT is what living with the declining elderly is like - they can’t help but be stubborn, difficult, demanding, etc. I remember my father demanding my disabled mother help him out of bed. Anything to keep from having to sell the home and hire help.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 19:40     Subject: Depressed by prospect of eldercare

1. I've derived great joy from being a very involved parent, OP. Parenting to me is not in opposition to taking care of myself. I have one child with special mental health needs, and one child with a serious medical diagnosis. We've lived some challenging times as a family.

2. You shouldn't conceive of eldercare in that vein either. You shouldn't take on too much of a role for in-laws, but your own parents' care shouldn't turn you into a puddle of misery either.

3. It seems you have a martyr complex. What is it that makes you happy, OP? I just put together a killer outfit to attend my teen's instrumental recital. My husband said I was the prettiest woman in the room. It brought me so much joy to hear her lovely performance, and we were all proud that her hard work is paying off. THIS is what makes me happy. I'm not putting off my happiness for a future day. I'm happy NOW.

So I think your mindset is all wrong, OP. Please reframe your thinking (with a therapist if need be), otherwise you'll be on your deathbed before you know it, convinced you have wasted your life.
Perhaps you're depressed and need to consult a psychiatrist?
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 19:11     Subject: Depressed by prospect of eldercare
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Does
your husband have siblings? Why can’t he and your siblings in law lead the way?


He is an only child.


I can really emphasize with him as I have difficult parents and I do not have siblings either.

Why are you taking the lead with his parents?

I listen to DH and consider how he feels before I get involved at all, including short visits, but I do not expect him to make any decisions or do the heavy lifting for my parents. His parents are younger and he has a brother so he doesn’t have as much of a burden as I do, but I hope he takes the lead with them, too.
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 19:00     Subject: Depressed by prospect of eldercare
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have three living, aging parents. We have kids at home. I think about this a lot. When I think about how DH and I are already just hanging on through our responsibilities, it's draining.

The answer is boundaries, which I can manage on a practical level, but mentally and emotionally it's hard to turn down the worry or the problem solving in my head.

And everyone reminds you to take care of yourself, save some energy, let things go. But when I do that and care for myself, it feels like everyone senses the bump up in my energy or time and they fall apart even more. Like, Hey, she has more to give us! I'm sorry, but what the f**k is that?


The boundaries are key and yes, if my mom thinks I have a second to take of myself she thinks she deserves that second, but I am over it because before I had boundaries my health had deteriorated so much she was far healthier than I was.

The argument people give that they took care of you and you someone should put up with endless demands and even abuse is insane. First off many of us have parents who did little for their own parents, or did a lot because they parents were practically free daycare for them. Also, taking care of a baby has far more benefits. They smile and coo and you get to see them develop. It's exhausting, but there are far more rewards than what some of us deal with being there for elders. Plus, that baby will likely be independent one day. This is why we need to normalize getting professionals involved as much as possible and having your parents accept the care they can afford unless you are wealthy or they were a huge help to the family system as you raised kids. many of that generation had an easier life in terms of job stability, stressors, and the sandwich generation and with less stress, are living much longer. The sandwich is not sustainable for 10, 15, years or however long. Even your adult child need you a lot and they need to come before an aging parent especially one who lived a far more charmed life than any other generation you know. (I know this varies, but my mother had a very charmed life).

Another argument you hear a lot is they are not children or dogs and you do not re-home them or make decisions for them if they are capable. That works for an independent person who can take care of him or herself, but if you plan to depend on others it's not al me,me,me. Choosing to have babies and care for them does not entitle you to be royalty. If you want help, you need to allow input from those who will help you and be flexible. You also need to be kind to those people. If you want the world to revolve around you and your desires, then you need to hire an entourage to meet your wishes and pay them well.

There is no reward for trying to be everything to everyone. it made me ill. It killed off my aunts who tried to do this and people just call you a martyr when you sacrifice your life for others. It's a lot easier to be kind and not resentful when you have major boundaries. You also have to have acceptance that their choices may be self-destructive and it's not your job to put on a cape and fly out because cognitively capable parent refused to move to a safe situation and is now falling often.Sadly once in the hospital you sometimes have to chose a facility that isn't idea, because they have an opening.


Your post, especially you last paragraph, really spoke to me. Thank you
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 18:54     Subject: Depressed by prospect of eldercare
Anonymous wrote:I am an almost empty nester. It has not always been easy as a parent, and when my kids were younger and it was tough I always thought it doesn't last very long, enjoy them and know you can think about yourself more one day. Now after some really tough times with dh's grandparents, I am realizing that I am not likely to really ever be able to think about myself because my in-laws will require care soon enough, physically, financially, and I don't want to care for them. Does that make me a horrible person? I don't have it in me to sacrifice so many years and when I think about it I am very upset by it.


NO! It makes you sane!!
Anonymous
Post 02/18/2024 12:08     Subject: Depressed by prospect of eldercare
Anonymous wrote:We have three living, aging parents. We have kids at home. I think about this a lot. When I think about how DH and I are already just hanging on through our responsibilities, it's draining.

The answer is boundaries, which I can manage on a practical level, but mentally and emotionally it's hard to turn down the worry or the problem solving in my head.

And everyone reminds you to take care of yourself, save some energy, let things go. But when I do that and care for myself, it feels like everyone senses the bump up in my energy or time and they fall apart even more. Like, Hey, she has more to give us! I'm sorry, but what the f**k is that?


The boundaries are key and yes, if my mom thinks I have a second to take of myself she thinks she deserves that second, but I am over it because before I had boundaries my health had deteriorated so much she was far healthier than I was.

The argument people give that they took care of you and you someone should put up with endless demands and even abuse is insane. First off many of us have parents who did little for their own parents, or did a lot because they parents were practically free daycare for them. Also, taking care of a baby has far more benefits. They smile and coo and you get to see them develop. It's exhausting, but there are far more rewards than what some of us deal with being there for elders. Plus, that baby will likely be independent one day. This is why we need to normalize getting professionals involved as much as possible and having your parents accept the care they can afford unless you are wealthy or they were a huge help to the family system as you raised kids. many of that generation had an easier life in terms of job stability, stressors, and the sandwich generation and with less stress, are living much longer. The sandwich is not sustainable for 10, 15, years or however long. Even your adult child need you a lot and they need to come before an aging parent especially one who lived a far more charmed life than any other generation you know. (I know this varies, but my mother had a very charmed life).

Another argument you hear a lot is they are not children or dogs and you do not re-home them or make decisions for them if they are capable. That works for an independent person who can take care of him or herself, but if you plan to depend on others it's not al me,me,me. Choosing to have babies and care for them does not entitle you to be royalty. If you want help, you need to allow input from those who will help you and be flexible. You also need to be kind to those people. If you want the world to revolve around you and your desires, then you need to hire an entourage to meet your wishes and pay them well.

There is no reward for trying to be everything to everyone. it made me ill. It killed off my aunts who tried to do this and people just call you a martyr when you sacrifice your life for others. It's a lot easier to be kind and not resentful when you have major boundaries. You also have to have acceptance that their choices may be self-destructive and it's not your job to put on a cape and fly out because cognitively capable parent refused to move to a safe situation and is now falling often.Sadly once in the hospital you sometimes have to chose a facility that isn't idea, because they have an opening.
Anonymous
Post 02/17/2024 20:27     Subject: Depressed by prospect of eldercare
Anonymous wrote:Does
your husband have siblings? Why can’t he and your siblings in law lead the way?


He is an only child.
Anonymous
Post 02/17/2024 18:15     Subject: Depressed by prospect of eldercare
We have three living, aging parents. We have kids at home. I think about this a lot. When I think about how DH and I are already just hanging on through our responsibilities, it's draining.

The answer is boundaries, which I can manage on a practical level, but mentally and emotionally it's hard to turn down the worry or the problem solving in my head.

And everyone reminds you to take care of yourself, save some energy, let things go. But when I do that and care for myself, it feels like everyone senses the bump up in my energy or time and they fall apart even more. Like, Hey, she has more to give us! I'm sorry, but what the f**k is that?
Anonymous
Post 02/17/2024 17:27     Subject: Depressed by prospect of eldercare
Does your husband have siblings? Why can’t he and your siblings in law lead the way?
Anonymous
Post 02/17/2024 15:28     Subject: Depressed by prospect of eldercare
Don't borrow trouble. Your in-laws might not gradually decline and might pass away suddenly.
Anonymous
Post 02/17/2024 15:25     Subject: Depressed by prospect of eldercare
It’s literally the worst. There’s no way to keep up with all the financial, physical, mental, and housekeeping stuff. You just do your best and know it’s not all going to be perfect.
Anonymous
Post 02/17/2024 13:48     Subject: Depressed by prospect of eldercare
I am the nightmare that’s become reality. My last kid wasn’t even out the door before it started.

I’m sorry to say it is very depressing. I watch myself get older and have less energy as I juggle all of my responsibilities as part of the sandwich generation, knowing full well I will never have time to think of myself until it no longer matters, because I will be too old and tired to even want to do anything anymore.

Anonymous
Post 02/17/2024 12:27     Subject: Depressed by prospect of eldercare
OP, I feel for you, I am in the same boat. The kid is still at home, and I have to spend many days organizing my in-laws' care. My parents will be next. I assume that this rough phase will last about 5 years. That's life, unfortunately. It is mentally and physically very draining.

That being said, I'd let your husband be more engaged in the care of his parents. It's not all on you, even if he works more (speculation).
Anonymous
Post 02/16/2024 13:50     Subject: Depressed by prospect of eldercare
No you are not a bad person. Loving your parents does not mean sacrificing your own wellbeing and happiness. Too often people stress themselves out caring for elderly relatives to the detriment of their own health.

Anonymous
Post 02/16/2024 13:43     Subject: Depressed by prospect of eldercare
I am an almost empty nester. It has not always been easy as a parent, and when my kids were younger and it was tough I always thought it doesn't last very long, enjoy them and know you can think about yourself more one day. Now after some really tough times with dh's grandparents, I am realizing that I am not likely to really ever be able to think about myself because my in-laws will require care soon enough, physically, financially, and I don't want to care for them. Does that make me a horrible person? I don't have it in me to sacrifice so many years and when I think about it I am very upset by it.