Step mom throws down the unwanted rules for grown adults . Good advice

No phones at the table for anyone. While eating.

His only mistake was promising you it wouldn't happen again. It was unreasonable for you to ask and unreasonable for him to agree. He explained it was nothing against you and it's related to her anxiety and that should have been enough for you. There's no reason to believe they are making fun of you having spinach in your teeth or something like that. If you can't get over it then break up but don't try to come between them or ask additional questions about her therapy.

We don’t allow phones at our dinner table. The fact it took you so long to realize this was going on indicates you use your phone at the table too. It’s all or nothing op. No phones for all or phones for all and no policing what they are doing.

This happens all the time now. I think it is very disrespectful and clearly means there is some tension between the three of you that needs to be addressed. It happens all the time on zoom calls at work and it never ends well.

It’s a bit of a red flag to me, TBH

Wow. What’s it to you , OP? Welcome to the modern world. Don’t focus on that

She's already in college. In a few years you will see less and less of her.

And it's rude, but not a big deal, especially given her anxiety and the fact that you are not her mother which means there was familial trauma (divorce) and your presence probably exacerbates that for her. Not saying that as a bad thing about you personally, just the reality of the kid's situation. Let her have her privacy with her father, even if it is technically rude.

You cannot change this pattern in your partner or his daughter.

All you can do is decide whether or not it is a deal breaker for you. If so, then end the relationship.

It doesn’t seem like a big deal to me, it wouldn’t bother me. But I do sense a little bit of a power struggle between you & the daughter - you want dinner your way, she wants dinner her way, & your partner is trying to appease both of you. It’s his daughter so I think she will “win” this war (& obviously has already since they’ve decided to keep texting). If you are dating a parent, that is always how it is going to go - kid comes first.

Anonymous wrote:How did you not noticing them texting while seating two feet away & facing you?! The fact that you can be so unobservant, is probably why they're not comfortable talking in front of you.

Because they are taking steps to actively hide it, like not making eye contact and otherwise carrying on a totally different conversation with me. And she’s on her phone constantly anyway (sometimes he is too although not as much as her). That’s the part that’s so upsetting though - the actively hiding what’s been happening. It feels so deceptive.

How did you not noticing them texting while seating two feet away & facing you?! The fact that you can be so unobservant, is probably why they're not comfortable talking in front of you.

Anonymous wrote:Has a mental health counselor recommended this approach? Is she getting mental health support?

She is getting support and I have no idea if they recommended the approach. I could ask.

Has a mental health counselor recommended this approach? Is she getting mental health support?

Why is this post so long?

Forget it.

Looks like a troll

I’d love to get some input about how others would handle this situation. My long term partner has a college-age daughter who is frequently present and has significant anxiety. We frequently share meals with her.

About 18 months ago, I realized that the two of them were often texting one another, having their own conversations, while the three of us were eating meals together. We would be having a conversation at the table while the two of them were having their own conversation via text at the same time. They would actively pretend that this side conversation wasn’t happening to hide it from me.

He explained later that sometimes these were about random things like wanting to get ice cream after dinner or funny things she wanted to share with him. Many times it was about her anxiety that she wanted to share with him for support, but didn’t want me to hear because she felt embarrassed.

By the time I figured out that this was happening, he and I had been together for a very long time, years, and she and I had an otherwise good relationship so it was hurtful and confusing to me. I understand that she wants to say private things to her dad but can’t it wait until after we are done eating? I want to say private things to him too and I would never dream of carrying on a private conversation in front of her. It made me feel so uncomfortable and like a third wheel. I eventually said that I would not continue eating meals with them if they were going to have these side conversations via text.

After what I would call a pretty significant conflict about this situation, he promised me that it would never happen again. This was a year and a half ago and it didn’t seem to happen for a while. Over the last 9 months I would say more and more I suspected it was happening but I reminded myself he promised it would not, and we had some very serious conversations about it at the time so I chose to believe that he had been truthful. I never asked about it when I suspected it was happening and tried to just tell myself I was imagining things.

Last night at dinner, he verbally responded to something she’d texted him about and then it came out that she had been having an anxiety attack at the dinner table and had been texting between themselves for quite a while. Meanwhile I had no clue any of this was happening and felt like an idiot having been trying to maintain a conversation with two people who were otherwise occupied with a conversation of their own. Then it came out that they have continued having these private text conversations at meals for quite some time even though he told me they weren’t. He claimed he assumed I was aware and had grown to be ok with it.

Meanwhile I feel hurt and gaslit - I have been telling myself this hasn’t been happening the entire time even when I suspected it was, because I chose to believe him. I didn’t want to ask because I didn’t want to nag about it or seem crazy.

Wondering what other people would do in this circumstance. I am very upset, both because of what’s happening and how rude I feel it is, but also that he’s been dishonest about it for a long time. Is the appropriate thing to do to just stop eating with the two of them again? This feels crazy to me and I don’t know how to navigate it.