Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having such a rough time with my 13-year-old. Used to be such a sweet mommy's girl and I swear middle school is gonna be the death of us both. I know who her friends are, but she rarely tells me what goes on at school or with her friends. I'll try to come up with ways to get her talking at dinner or in the car on the way home from sports, but other than that, I get nothing. Never asks for advice. I don't know about drama until I hear it from other parents or crushes until I get texts from other parents (both of which have happened recently). I feel like other kids are telling their parents about their days or their classes or what's going on in their world. I mostly wanna make sure she's OK mentally, making the right decisions, etc. I do check her text messages (which she hates, but I still do). I generally do not comment on what I see there though I've been monitoring a situation with a boy who likes her and she doesn't like back except as a friend. She's been asking everyone and his brother what to do about this boy (they have some history) and they are all telling her the same thing, but she seems to be stringing him along. He flatters her and pressures her to be his girlfriend so I tried to talk to her about this situation and she got very upset and told me her life wasn't my business.

Which of course, it is. But I knew right away, I lost her.

I screwed up. She wasn't hearing me. I guess I can't stop myself from worrying sometimes....and I feel like I'm pushing her further away.

Be careful about this. A back channel with other parents is helpful, but there are some parents who actually get a kick out of gossiping about teens and parents who are WAY too invested in their children’s social lives. There are parents who will betray your confidence and tell things to their kids that you said which will likely make it back to your daughter. Don’t trust that all parents are mature and have appropriate boundaries with their kids.

+1
you are not getting the information about "what is going on". you are getting their teen's perspective, filtered through their parents.

16 and 13 yo DDs tell me everything. It’s a blessing and a curse because a lot of it I just don’t care. But I have to fake like I do to keep getting the parts I do care about. And they always want to dish at 10pm when I want to sleep.

No

Has she had major changes in her life recently?

Totally. We had a lot of talks on walks, and spending money on Starbucks was money well spent.

Anonymous wrote:My 13 year old DD tells me nothing.
My 16 year old daughter tells me absolutely everything!

we have the opposite

My 16 year old told me nothing at 13. Only in the last 6 months or so has she had moments where she tells me things - interestingly enough she’s either full clam or she’s telling me the whole story, not much in between. She tells me a lot about her friends, less about herself.

My 13 yo tells me everything all the time, except any secrets she keeps for her sister.

Have your own life with her. She needs quiet moments where she can step away from what's going on with her life with her friends and at school, you can be that reprieve for her if you stopped obsessing about the parts of you don't have access to.

These other parents are crazy. I can’t imagine an instance where one of my kids confides in me about their crush & then I run to DM the parent.

You are doing fine. Some of these other parents are inserting themselves into their kids’ drama. It will not end well. Continue being the stable, loving mom that you are, above & beyond all teen drama. That’s what they want from you.

Yep, you nailed it, PP. I try really hard not to take things personally, but I feel dumb and hurt a lot of the time, and that's a tough spot to be in. I cry out of frustration sometimes, but I never let her see or hear me do it.

I have mom friends who are in my boat, but so many more who aren't, and that's hard bc I want to be them lol. We all have our own battles.

We have started doing volunteer work as a family and that is helping us bond; we've always been close, but I feel like having a teenager is taking a toll on our family unit!

Anonymous wrote:Having such a rough time with my 13-year-old. Used to be such a sweet mommy's girl and I swear middle school is gonna be the death of us both. I know who her friends are, but she rarely tells me what goes on at school or with her friends. I'll try to come up with ways to get her talking at dinner or in the car on the way home from sports, but other than that, I get nothing. Never asks for advice. I don't know about drama until I hear it from other parents or crushes until I get texts from other parents (both of which have happened recently). I feel like other kids are telling their parents about their days or their classes or what's going on in their world. I mostly wanna make sure she's OK mentally, making the right decisions, etc. I do check her text messages (which she hates, but I still do). I generally do not comment on what I see there though I've been monitoring a situation with a boy who likes her and she doesn't like back except as a friend. She's been asking everyone and his brother what to do about this boy (they have some history) and they are all telling her the same thing, but she seems to be stringing him along. He flatters her and pressures her to be his girlfriend so I tried to talk to her about this situation and she got very upset and told me her life wasn't my business.

Which of course, it is. But I knew right away, I lost her.

I screwed up. She wasn't hearing me. I guess I can't stop myself from worrying sometimes....and I feel like I'm pushing her further away.

Be careful about this. A back channel with other parents is helpful, but there are some parents who actually get a kick out of gossiping about teens and parents who are WAY too invested in their children’s social lives. There are parents who will betray your confidence and tell things to their kids that you said which will likely make it back to your daughter. Don’t trust that all parents are mature and have appropriate boundaries with their kids.

It’s so hard when you have a clam for a kid. I’ve got 3 teens so I know how it feels. What I try to do is continue to be available, even when I feel dumb/hurt by them pushing me away. If I do get a tidbit of information I try to be totally chill about it, ask them what they think/how they feel/what they plan to do, before I add anything to the conversation. And if my other kids are in earshot I’m extra careful because they’re listening and watching me. I can’t react too much or lean in too much lest the kid shuts down or turns on me.

It’s really hard sometimes.

You should stop reading her texts OP. That’s likely part of the issue. She deserves some privacy. You’re using it to get information about her life and start a dialogue with her that she is not choosing or wanting to engage in with you. Imagine how that’s landing for her. She trying to draw some boundaries, which is appropriate for her age. Back off and you’ll get more information at some point.

Yes you spot check the phone for new contacts and keep your eye on things. But fully learning about her life through the texts and talking to her about it? No.

My 13 year old DD tells me nothing.
My 16 year old daughter tells me absolutely everything!

Having such a rough time with my 13-year-old. Used to be such a sweet mommy's girl and I swear middle school is gonna be the death of us both. I know who her friends are, but she rarely tells me what goes on at school or with her friends. I'll try to come up with ways to get her talking at dinner or in the car on the way home from sports, but other than that, I get nothing. Never asks for advice. I don't know about drama until I hear it from other parents or crushes until I get texts from other parents (both of which have happened recently). I feel like other kids are telling their parents about their days or their classes or what's going on in their world. I mostly wanna make sure she's OK mentally, making the right decisions, etc. I do check her text messages (which she hates, but I still do). I generally do not comment on what I see there though I've been monitoring a situation with a boy who likes her and she doesn't like back except as a friend. She's been asking everyone and his brother what to do about this boy (they have some history) and they are all telling her the same thing, but she seems to be stringing him along. He flatters her and pressures her to be his girlfriend so I tried to talk to her about this situation and she got very upset and told me her life wasn't my business.

Which of course, it is. But I knew right away, I lost her.

I screwed up. She wasn't hearing me. I guess I can't stop myself from worrying sometimes....and I feel like I'm pushing her further away.