Anonymous
02/02/2024 16:30
Subject: Plan for dementia
If you move your parents it could well exacerbate the dementia. My mother would constantly lash out at my father for moving her (not his fault) and would just start walking without telling anyone, found later far from home she would say she was walking home.
Anonymous
02/02/2024 16:24
Subject: Plan for dementia
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings? pp again
Just my sister. She lives in Switzerland. My brother in law has already started asking about my parents' wills and trusts,
Well he is right and he is direct in a European way. You need to make your parents “poor” to get caregiving hours from CA and also protect their assets before dementia really hits
-DP
Anonymous
02/02/2024 16:20
Subject: Plan for dementia
Look into IHSS if they are in CA.
Make asset and income adjustments if needed.
They may be able to age in place that way.
Make asset and income adjustments if needed.
They may be able to age in place that way.
Anonymous
02/02/2024 16:14
Subject: Plan for dementia
I would recommend moving them to a facility that has a stepped care system. They can move into independent living now and most will allow them to stay in the same unit but just add assisted living as needed. Most are ala cart so you can add whatever services are needed.
We waited too long to do this for my mom. She was in an independent living 55+ community and we brought aids in to her, but by the time we decided to move her to assisted living, it was too late. They gave her a cognitive test and since she couldn't pass the only option was to move her into memory care. This would have been a drastic change from what she was used to and I think she would have gone downhill rapidly. If we hadn't waited so long, she could have been using assisted living services rather than the private aids, which would have saved her some money.
If they have a good group of friends, it may be better to stay in CA, especially for your dad. A word of warning though, as they decline further, the friends stop showing up because it's really hard to engage with them. It might be different in your case because of your dad. My dad had already passed when my mom got to this point.
We waited too long to do this for my mom. She was in an independent living 55+ community and we brought aids in to her, but by the time we decided to move her to assisted living, it was too late. They gave her a cognitive test and since she couldn't pass the only option was to move her into memory care. This would have been a drastic change from what she was used to and I think she would have gone downhill rapidly. If we hadn't waited so long, she could have been using assisted living services rather than the private aids, which would have saved her some money.
If they have a good group of friends, it may be better to stay in CA, especially for your dad. A word of warning though, as they decline further, the friends stop showing up because it's really hard to engage with them. It might be different in your case because of your dad. My dad had already passed when my mom got to this point.
Anonymous
02/02/2024 15:40
Subject: Plan for dementia
They will be at their best early in their day. Know what 'sundowners" is and avoid calling late in their day.
Anonymous
02/02/2024 13:13
Subject: Plan for dementia
Anonymous wrote:IME the slide with dementia was slow at first and then it started snowballing after a few years. If this is the beginning, look at this time like a gift. Maximize the time with your mom, tell her you love her and make happy memories together as you’re able. Call frequently (a few times a week or near daily if you can) just to say hi. It can be a 5 minute conversation, but that connection persists.
As to resources, look at their LTC policy. See what it covers and for how long. Spend some quality time with their insurance agent and understand if there are lifetime limits. These policies vary tremendously but the early ones are like Cadillacs and cover so much. The later ones tend to have lifetime limits that you might want to be mindful of. Some policies are aimed at skilled nursing, some allow aging in place as well.
Start help now so you can to get your mom used to an aide. It can be an hour twice a week to help her shower or assist with other activities of daily life (ADL). Your dad will need more and more help over time. Especially If she becomes restless and agitated and can’t sleep through the night. At 87 he won’t be able to do all the MOTN wakeups.
I know you want to move her, but is she part of an established community there with friends who are active in her life? If the latter is true, I think it’s better to keep her in place. They’ll be a natural source of support and will help challenge her and keep her sharp longer. You don’t say what kind of living situation your parents are in. If it’s a house with levels, would they consider downsizing to a condo? Or an apartment?
This is hard, and identifying resources and putting them in place early will make the transition easier. You’re on the right track.
I’ll add, I was the one in the trenches and I lost perspective on how bad things had gotten and how unable I was to manage them till I hit a breaking point. Putting things in place and helping your dad see quickly when he needs more help will be an important role that you play so he doesn’t get worn down by her care.
Thank you for this.
She lives in a large one level rancher and has friends in California. My kids are her only grandchildren. She's very close to them. When they were born, they temporarily moved near us and watched them from birth to preschool.
These days they already spend 3 months out of the year with us in the guesthouse. Our guest house is a small 500 sq ft one story house right behind our house.
I'll start reading up on their policy and identifying care givers in California.
Anonymous
02/02/2024 13:07
Subject: Plan for dementia
This is a good time for you to make sure their estate planning is done. This is huge. If your father (god forbid) predeceases your mother without an AMD/POA in place (or a POA/AMD with only himself named) you will be in a bad situation. Since she is early in her diagnosis, she could still be capable of creating estate planning documents.
A lot of the talks you will need to have cannot be done on the phone. You have to go there and have long talks plus get a sense of how they are doing. Find out everything you can about their finances, and plan as if your father will pass and you will have to manage everything.
Also, at their ages moving is tough and scary. If you want them to move, you might have to be pushy and do a lot of heavy lifting yourself. "Dad, you and mom can't live here anymore, I am moving you to DC and I will take care of everything else" might be your best path forward. Your dad probably has his hands full, and your mom is no longer able (even if she seems like she is) to handle a big move or change.
That being said, having them move in with you will drastically change your life. It will be a ton of work and emotional load. Elder care in DC is extremely expensive. For the best memory care places, it is about $14k a month. Plus, you will be moving them away from what is familiar to them and support systems there which can hasten memory loss and also means you will have to be their entire support system. No one can say how fast your mom may progress. But you should assume at some point she will need constant supervision at your home or to be in a memory care place.
Make sure to read up on dementia. It is so much more than being "forgetful." The anxiety, anger, and agitation can also be features of the decline.
The big thing more than anything is their finances, though. Try to go through scenarios or consult a geriatric care manager to help.
A lot of the talks you will need to have cannot be done on the phone. You have to go there and have long talks plus get a sense of how they are doing. Find out everything you can about their finances, and plan as if your father will pass and you will have to manage everything.
Also, at their ages moving is tough and scary. If you want them to move, you might have to be pushy and do a lot of heavy lifting yourself. "Dad, you and mom can't live here anymore, I am moving you to DC and I will take care of everything else" might be your best path forward. Your dad probably has his hands full, and your mom is no longer able (even if she seems like she is) to handle a big move or change.
That being said, having them move in with you will drastically change your life. It will be a ton of work and emotional load. Elder care in DC is extremely expensive. For the best memory care places, it is about $14k a month. Plus, you will be moving them away from what is familiar to them and support systems there which can hasten memory loss and also means you will have to be their entire support system. No one can say how fast your mom may progress. But you should assume at some point she will need constant supervision at your home or to be in a memory care place.
Make sure to read up on dementia. It is so much more than being "forgetful." The anxiety, anger, and agitation can also be features of the decline.
The big thing more than anything is their finances, though. Try to go through scenarios or consult a geriatric care manager to help.
Anonymous
02/02/2024 12:55
Subject: Plan for dementia
You may need to have a very difficult conversation with your parents. Either they need to move closer or expect some hands-off care when they need it. They need to know you can’t and won’t suspend your life for their crises.
It’s a tough conversation to have but they are going to be incredibly needy as they age. And elders without an advocate sometimes fall through the cracks. Honestly for your own sanity they should move close to you.
It’s a tough conversation to have but they are going to be incredibly needy as they age. And elders without an advocate sometimes fall through the cracks. Honestly for your own sanity they should move close to you.
Anonymous
02/02/2024 12:11
Subject: Plan for dementia
IME the slide with dementia was slow at first and then it started snowballing after a few years. If this is the beginning, look at this time like a gift. Maximize the time with your mom, tell her you love her and make happy memories together as you’re able. Call frequently (a few times a week or near daily if you can) just to say hi. It can be a 5 minute conversation, but that connection persists.
As to resources, look at their LTC policy. See what it covers and for how long. Spend some quality time with their insurance agent and understand if there are lifetime limits. These policies vary tremendously but the early ones are like Cadillacs and cover so much. The later ones tend to have lifetime limits that you might want to be mindful of. Some policies are aimed at skilled nursing, some allow aging in place as well.
Start help now so you can to get your mom used to an aide. It can be an hour twice a week to help her shower or assist with other activities of daily life (ADL). Your dad will need more and more help over time. Especially If she becomes restless and agitated and can’t sleep through the night. At 87 he won’t be able to do all the MOTN wakeups.
I know you want to move her, but is she part of an established community there with friends who are active in her life? If the latter is true, I think it’s better to keep her in place. They’ll be a natural source of support and will help challenge her and keep her sharp longer. You don’t say what kind of living situation your parents are in. If it’s a house with levels, would they consider downsizing to a condo? Or an apartment?
This is hard, and identifying resources and putting them in place early will make the transition easier. You’re on the right track.
I’ll add, I was the one in the trenches and I lost perspective on how bad things had gotten and how unable I was to manage them till I hit a breaking point. Putting things in place and helping your dad see quickly when he needs more help will be an important role that you play so he doesn’t get worn down by her care.
As to resources, look at their LTC policy. See what it covers and for how long. Spend some quality time with their insurance agent and understand if there are lifetime limits. These policies vary tremendously but the early ones are like Cadillacs and cover so much. The later ones tend to have lifetime limits that you might want to be mindful of. Some policies are aimed at skilled nursing, some allow aging in place as well.
Start help now so you can to get your mom used to an aide. It can be an hour twice a week to help her shower or assist with other activities of daily life (ADL). Your dad will need more and more help over time. Especially If she becomes restless and agitated and can’t sleep through the night. At 87 he won’t be able to do all the MOTN wakeups.
I know you want to move her, but is she part of an established community there with friends who are active in her life? If the latter is true, I think it’s better to keep her in place. They’ll be a natural source of support and will help challenge her and keep her sharp longer. You don’t say what kind of living situation your parents are in. If it’s a house with levels, would they consider downsizing to a condo? Or an apartment?
This is hard, and identifying resources and putting them in place early will make the transition easier. You’re on the right track.
I’ll add, I was the one in the trenches and I lost perspective on how bad things had gotten and how unable I was to manage them till I hit a breaking point. Putting things in place and helping your dad see quickly when he needs more help will be an important role that you play so he doesn’t get worn down by her care.
Anonymous
02/02/2024 11:52
Subject: Plan for dementia
Anonymous wrote:Do you have siblings? pp again
Just my sister. She lives in Switzerland. My brother in law has already started asking about my parents' wills and trusts,
Anonymous
02/02/2024 10:50
Subject: Plan for dementia
Do you have siblings? pp again
Anonymous
02/02/2024 10:49
Subject: Plan for dementia
pp again, obviously meant due not do
Anonymous
02/02/2024 10:46
Subject: Plan for dementia
Talk with your Father. Many talks. Not a big sit-down talk but have future plans be a regular conversation. Don't involve your Mother, do to her condition. It will just complicate the narrative. I don't think moving to your property, is necessarily, an answer. She *will* start to wander. She will, at some point, need a lock-down facility. What are their financials? Make sure you know. Make sure Father has put someone in charge.
Wherever they move-to, if they have money, they can always move first. Sell and clean out their house later.
Wherever they move-to, if they have money, they can always move first. Sell and clean out their house later.
Anonymous
02/02/2024 10:06
Subject: Plan for dementia
Anonymous wrote:What is the plan for dimentia?
My mother has it. She's 75. My father is in good health but he's 83. They live across the country by themselves. The doctors recommend a watch and wait approach. But I would like to be more proactive.
We have a guest house that we have welcomed them to move into. But so far they say they want to stay in California. They have long term elderly care insurance. Should I start looking at facilities? I would much prefer them to be in the DC area than in California. Or should they stay there?
We do plan on going to their california house and upgrading carbon monoxide and smoke detectors. What else can I do to plan for this?
OP again. We're also getting them apple watches so we can help monitor them from afar
Anonymous
02/02/2024 10:01
Subject: Plan for dementia
What is the plan for dimentia?
My mother has it. She's 75. My father is in good health but he's 83. They live across the country by themselves. The doctors recommend a watch and wait approach. But I would like to be more proactive.
We have a guest house that we have welcomed them to move into. But so far they say they want to stay in California. They have long term elderly care insurance. Should I start looking at facilities? I would much prefer them to be in the DC area than in California. Or should they stay there?
We do plan on going to their california house and upgrading carbon monoxide and smoke detectors. What else can I do to plan for this?
My mother has it. She's 75. My father is in good health but he's 83. They live across the country by themselves. The doctors recommend a watch and wait approach. But I would like to be more proactive.
We have a guest house that we have welcomed them to move into. But so far they say they want to stay in California. They have long term elderly care insurance. Should I start looking at facilities? I would much prefer them to be in the DC area than in California. Or should they stay there?
We do plan on going to their california house and upgrading carbon monoxide and smoke detectors. What else can I do to plan for this?