My kids, 12 and 14, are only somewhat helpful on their own but generally quick to help if asked. I would be shocked if they, for example, noticed their was a pile of clean towels and put them away in the linen closet, but they will come out to help bring groceries in and help put them away when I get home from the store. At lunch today my 12 year old, unprompted, took his grandmother’s dishes from her and put them in the dishwasher. That was unusual enough though that I noticed! They certainly will step over piles of dirty socks for three days without noticing and leave dishes all over the place.

Anonymous wrote:If you want to change a behavior you need to name it, say what they should do, and reward until the behavior is ingrained. So sit them down and say you appreciate their doing the chores, and now that they are older, you’d like them to do things without being asked, because you are raising them to be good adults who will be welcomed as houseguests and future partners or spouses. If you see them doing something like carrying the laundry, thank them. If you see them step over it, call them out and ask if they noticed the laundry. If they say they didn’t know where it was supposed to go, say they should be free to ask. Thank them for doing the right thing and comment if you catch them in the act of ignoring. All with a calm tone of voice. If one parent is critical, they may not make an extra move for fear of being told they did it wrong.

This is good advice

If you want to change a behavior you need to name it, say what they should do, and reward until the behavior is ingrained. So sit them down and say you appreciate their doing the chores, and now that they are older, you’d like them to do things without being asked, because you are raising them to be good adults who will be welcomed as houseguests and future partners or spouses. If you see them doing something like carrying the laundry, thank them. If you see them step over it, call them out and ask if they noticed the laundry. If they say they didn’t know where it was supposed to go, say they should be free to ask. Thank them for doing the right thing and comment if you catch them in the act of ignoring. All with a calm tone of voice. If one parent is critical, they may not make an extra move for fear of being told they did it wrong.

Anonymous wrote:Wow! My 8 year old does chores without being asked.

Check back in with us in a few years.

Totally normal. Mine are 13 and 15, and will help with anything asked of them, but generally don’t even notice things that I would want cleaned up/addressed.

Wow! My 8 year old does chores without being asked.

One was always helpful. Another, I would say by 13, he stopped stepping g over the laundry basket and carrying it upstairs and shortly thereafter, would clear the table and clean up dinner. It took the third much longer to initiate that sort of behavior.

As to regular chores that are assigned, like empty the dishwasher, take out the trash, or clean the cat box, we don’t have to remind more than occasionally and if they’re busy they work out their own switches with each other. We set a deadline for each chore- before dinner for the dishwasher, before bed for the cat box, Sunday before bed for trash.

I give my spouse huge credit for this. She would call them back if they stepped over the laundry basket or whatever needed to be done. She also called them on it if it would be nice to help but they didn’t offer - like if you’re going to the dishwasher and others are done but you did t offer to take their plates. It didn’t happen naturally.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s just mad, he thinks they should notice when our house is messy or something needs doing and do it without being asked. I’m hoping we get there some day.

Is he a good model for that behavior?

He is a perfectionist who cleans a lot, so yes he’s a model for doing a lot around the house but he also has unrealistic expectations for children in my opinion.

Anonymous wrote:He’s just mad, he thinks they should notice when our house is messy or something needs doing and do it without being asked. I’m hoping we get there some day.

Is he a good model for that behavior?

My kids (12 & 15) do nothing without arguments followed by threats or physical removal of phones.

Anonymous wrote:Not at all.

+1

Not at all.

He’s just mad, he thinks they should notice when our house is messy or something needs doing and do it without being asked. I’m hoping we get there some day.

I usually have to ask but he does it without arguing so I consider it a win. What’s your husband doing to fix this “character defect?”

My kids, 11 and 13, usually do chores assigned to them like walking the dog, loading the dishwasher, their own laundry, weekly bedroom tidying. However they almost never do anything they haven’t been assigned to do, like they step over a pile of towels on the stairs that need to go up, or don’t unload the dishwasher without being asked, generally don’t notice if a room is messy, etc. My husband thinks this is some character deficit and I think it’s probably normal.

Do your kids act like this? If they’re more helpful how did you encourage them to be that way?