Anonymous wrote:Unreasonable old people can “expect” and “demand” away, LOL. Be obnoxious enough and you’ll be shut out whether grandkids are on the scene, or not.

And my mother wonders why I don't call or visit much.

'Happy birthday' 'oh its another one without grandkids'

'Merry Christmas' 'wish I was watching grand babies open gifts'

And on and on. I've asked her to grief privately, she refuses and so she doesn't see or hear from me much. They are in VA, and we are in DC.

Our two children will not have children and it does make us a little sad now that our peers are having their first grandchildren. There is something about seeing your children have their own children and being a grandparent that is a special joy. We would have been respectful, doting and supportive grandparents. Most of all, we want our children to be happy so we keep our sadness to ourselves.

I had an aunt and uncle who were unable to have children and lived across an ocean from us. They were lovely people but not wealthy so when they began to have age-related physical and cognitive problems, they had to manage it themselves. Uncle lost a lot of weight and confined to bed. Turns out aunt was also suffering from dementia and didn't remember to feed them or take medications. Extended family did not find out until it was too late.

In the one hand it's a lot of the joy of having children and the fun with much less work. The more cynical side thinks is that a lot of boomers want to be able to keep up with the Jones vis a vis getting to post pictures of their grandchildren and brag about them. I hear a lot of stories about this on dcum and other places where basically the grandparents are very uninterested interacting with the grandchildren other than to thank you picture from social media

One of my kids (still a teenager) doesn’t want kids and it does make me a little sad. There is just something joyful about the idea of her having children. At the same time, there is a huge part of me that hopes she doesn’t have children. I don’t regret having children but I gave up so much for them. I don’t want her to lose herself like I did, and for women it takes a lot of strength not to do that. And resources! And also I 100% believe it is her choice.

My son wants a ton of kids. He adores babies and little kids. I just hope he will be like my husband and willing to be an equal partner in terms of childcare and housework.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I read an interesting agony letter in the daily mail about older parents being upset that their only DC doesn’t want children. I am surprised by this but feel like I must be missing something. Is having the urge to have grandchildren something as deep and consuming as having own DCs? Is this some sort of innate desire or just an added bonus? My kids are teenagers so I have no desire whatsoever to have grandchildren (yet), but always knew I wanted kids. Also, isn’t it rightfully every adult’s own choice whether to have kids or not? How can the grandparents even expect or demand that their DC go through this life altering experience (that lasts decades, costs millions, is so much work and responsibility), if they don’t want to?

I think most of us understand that life's deepest meaning, joy and sorrow come from parenting and we want that for our kids. Shallow pursuit of materialism and "experiences" will leave our kids with regret when it is too late.

Anonymous wrote:You are reasonable. But yes, this is a thing. I think there are several causes.

Societal expectations that "successful" people will marry and have kids still exists. So so parents of adults get it in their head that if their adult kids don't marry and have kids, they can't be successful, which means the parents aren't successful. So they pressure their kids to have kids in the same way they pressure then to get good grades, compete in sports, go into certain professions.

Some people also want a do-over. No parent gets their kids to adulthood without making mistakes, so some people crave grandchildren so they can do things differently. This one can be dicy because people who think this way sometimes forget that they aren't the parent and won't get to make any of the key choices. Doesn't stop them from trying!

Some people also get depressed after their kids are grown, because parenting gave them a sense of purpose for so long. They want that back, and grandkids feels like the easiest way. I have sympathy for this, even if it's not a good reason to try and force/pressure your adult kids to have kids.

There are probably others but these are the main reasons

My MIL was a do-over grandparent and was very upfront about it. She was over the top and love bombed my kids (which was for the most part ok, we had a pretty good relationship). BUT this didn’t go over well whatsoever with my SIL who was pretty neglected by my MIL when she was growing up and put a HUGE wedge between my SIL and my DH, me and our kids. I felt very bad about it but I didn’t really blame my SIL for being upset watching her own mother fawn over my kids and be the kind of grandmother my SIL wishes she had been as a mother to her.

This caused my SIL to declare she didn’t want any kids, which made my MIL go even more bananas over my kids bc then they would be the only grandkids she would have. My MIL ended up dying suddenly and we discovered in her will that she left a substantial amount of money to both of my children which sent my SIL over the edge (but she didn’t contest it). Our relationship has never recovered. Some people are just blinded by their own needs. I still have serious empathy for my SIL.

Anonymous wrote:If having grandchildren is important to you, you should not have an only child. But yes, it’s perfectly valid to want grandchildren and be disappointed if it doesn’t happen; expect, no.

I sort of agree with this, but also even if you have three or four kids, you can't guarantee you'll have grandchildren. Or you might wind up with a lot of grandchildren and that can create different issues -- my parents have 10 grandkids and while I know they love all of them, I think it frustrates them that they basically can't be the grandparents they'd like to be to all their kids.

You truly cannot game out what your kids are going to do as adults and expect them to create fulfillment for you in your later years. I feel like it's similar to what I went through in my 20s, when I was getting frustrated with dating and relationships and the fact that no matter how much you might want to get married and have kids, you can't do it without someone else deciding to do it with you. Your control is limited. So I found ways to make my life fulfilling and meaningful that I did have unilateral control over, and then wound up lucking into a great spouse and kids.

I take a similar attitude regarding being a grandparent. I think I'd enjoy that and I love the idea of my amazing kids getting the experience of being parents, because it's been so fulfilling for me. But it's not up to me, so DH and I are planning our later years around the idea of staying somewhat flexible (in case there are grandkids and our kids want/need help and support, and because we will want to prioritize time with them) but making sure we have fulfillment elsewhere, through each other/work/hobbies/friends/community, so we're not sitting around waiting for grandkids who might never come, or might come when we are older and our involvement looks different than it might have. I've just seen too many people make this mistake. Don't hinge your own happiness on someone else making specific choices in their own lives. Also sometimes people have fertility issues and the last thing someone in that situation needs is a parent lamenting how they'll never have a grandchild.

If having grandchildren is important to you, you should not have an only child. But yes, it’s perfectly valid to want grandchildren and be disappointed if it doesn’t happen; expect, no.

Anonymous wrote:You are reasonable. But yes, this is a thing. I think there are several causes.

Societal expectations that "successful" people will marry and have kids still exists. So so parents of adults get it in their head that if their adult kids don't marry and have kids, they can't be successful, which means the parents aren't successful. So they pressure their kids to have kids in the same way they pressure then to get good grades, compete in sports, go into certain professions.

Some people also want a do-over. No parent gets their kids to adulthood without making mistakes, so some people crave grandchildren so they can do things differently. This one can be dicy because people who think this way sometimes forget that they aren't the parent and won't get to make any of the key choices. Doesn't stop them from trying!

Some people also get depressed after their kids are grown, because parenting gave them a sense of purpose for so long. They want that back, and grandkids feels like the easiest way. I have sympathy for this, even if it's not a good reason to try and force/pressure your adult kids to have kids.

There are probably others but these are the main reasons

These all sound like very selfish reasons - especially getting a do over, while putting all financial, physical and emotional responsibilities into their AC. This confirms to me that the parents in the DM letter were unkind, selfish people without self awareness. I’ve always said that it must be my own DC‘s choice whether they want kids or not, and I not only don’t have a say, I also have no right or reason to influence, or be upset if they don’t. I just wondered whether I would regret it later.

Anonymous wrote:I read an interesting agony letter in the daily mail about older parents being upset that their only DC doesn’t want children. I am surprised by this but feel like I must be missing something. Is having the urge to have grandchildren something as deep and consuming as having own DCs? Is this some sort of innate desire or just an added bonus? My kids are teenagers so I have no desire whatsoever to have grandchildren (yet), but always knew I wanted kids. Also, isn’t it rightfully every adult’s own choice whether to have kids or not? How can the grandparents even expect or demand that their DC go through this life altering experience (that lasts decades, costs millions, is so much work and responsibility), if they don’t want to?

I think most of us understand that life's deepest meaning, joy and sorrow come from parenting and we want that for our kids. Shallow pursuit of materialism and "experiences" will leave our kids with regret when it is too late.

Unreasonable old people can “expect” and “demand” away, LOL. Be obnoxious enough and you’ll be shut out whether grandkids are on the scene, or not.

You are reasonable. But yes, this is a thing. I think there are several causes.

Societal expectations that "successful" people will marry and have kids still exists. So so parents of adults get it in their head that if their adult kids don't marry and have kids, they can't be successful, which means the parents aren't successful. So they pressure their kids to have kids in the same way they pressure then to get good grades, compete in sports, go into certain professions.

Some people also want a do-over. No parent gets their kids to adulthood without making mistakes, so some people crave grandchildren so they can do things differently. This one can be dicy because people who think this way sometimes forget that they aren't the parent and won't get to make any of the key choices. Doesn't stop them from trying!

Some people also get depressed after their kids are grown, because parenting gave them a sense of purpose for so long. They want that back, and grandkids feels like the easiest way. I have sympathy for this, even if it's not a good reason to try and force/pressure your adult kids to have kids.

There are probably others but these are the main reasons

I still have young children so my perspective isn't that of a person with adult children. But, I would be disappointed only because there is something so magically about the young kids phase. Especially when you don't have to lose sleep over it lol!

My disappointment wouldn't have anything to do with their right to make life choices, of course.

I read an interesting agony letter in the daily mail about older parents being upset that their only DC doesn’t want children. I am surprised by this but feel like I must be missing something. Is having the urge to have grandchildren something as deep and consuming as having own DCs? Is this some sort of innate desire or just an added bonus? My kids are teenagers so I have no desire whatsoever to have grandchildren (yet), but always knew I wanted kids. Also, isn’t it rightfully every adult’s own choice whether to have kids or not? How can the grandparents even expect or demand that their DC go through this life altering experience (that lasts decades, costs millions, is so much work and responsibility), if they don’t want to?