Anonymous wrote:OP here.

As a PP suggested, I think she preemptively pushes people away to avoid feeling rejected. I get it but it doesn't allow for the possibility of making an actual connection. She's lived in the same mid-sized town for 45 years and does not have a social network at all. At most she has one or two people she can call and they live in nearby towns.

Regarding her mental health, there is nothing I can do about that. I suggested that she see a therapist many times and it's a 100% no go. She has zero interest and she will not. I've suggested that she move closer to me and that's a no go. I've suggested she look into different communities that would be easier physically and she's definitely not interested. She wants to do what she wants and that's it.

I totally get the posters who have parents who just want to do their own thing and not worry about the consequences. My thoughts are, though, if you do these things, you have to own it. If you block your family, refuse to work on friendships, and don't attend to your mental health, you have to embrace both the pros and cons of those decisions.

You can say this to her. I don't think she'll change at this point but it might make you feel better.
Is there anything you can do together at a distance? Each knit something? Exchange pictures of your house plants? That is social in itself plus there are online communities for that kind of thing, you could maybe ease into community that way.
My mom has a paranoia of being hacked. It's anxiety, fueled by watching the news. Try to get her to turn off the news if you can. I set up a separate email for my mom to use in online accounts like Facebook and offered to monitor it. This doesn't create a lot of real safety but she feels better.

OP here.

As a PP suggested, I think she preemptively pushes people away to avoid feeling rejected. I get it but it doesn't allow for the possibility of making an actual connection. She's lived in the same mid-sized town for 45 years and does not have a social network at all. At most she has one or two people she can call and they live in nearby towns.

Regarding her mental health, there is nothing I can do about that. I suggested that she see a therapist many times and it's a 100% no go. She has zero interest and she will not. I've suggested that she move closer to me and that's a no go. I've suggested she look into different communities that would be easier physically and she's definitely not interested. She wants to do what she wants and that's it.

I totally get the posters who have parents who just want to do their own thing and not worry about the consequences. My thoughts are, though, if you do these things, you have to own it. If you block your family, refuse to work on friendships, and don't attend to your mental health, you have to embrace both the pros and cons of those decisions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not clear. Does she have a fixation on privacy and a fear of getting hacked? Or does she get upset that her relatives don't reach out as much as she wants, and she shoots herself in the foot by cutting them off?

If the former, it sounds like she has a hyperfocus like some autistic people do. The traditional ASD portrays men as being asocial and fixated on trains/history/etc, but there are some, especially women, who have a desperate need to socialize but don't know how. Also, sometimes, their OCD fixations get in the way. Often, it's germophobia, but sometimes it's a social paranoia like fear of being tracked.

Just putting it out there in case it rings a bell with your mother. There is no cure for that except therapy for the OCD/fixation and meds for anxiety.

OP here.

Her reasons for this are all of the above, depending on when she is discussing it. It morphs from privacy to fear of getting hacked to being upset that they don't pursue a relationship with her in the way she wants.

She has wondered before if she has ASD. The diagnosis that she has received in the past has been a toss up between severe ADHD and bipolar. She will not get therapy and I doubt medications are possible because she's on a lot of other medications and I can't imagine that adding anything else would be healthy. She wouldn't consider it anyway.

She does have a lot of great interests that she pursues and I love that she does that. She has very few real connections to people, though. Sadly, I don't think she's capable of it. She hates small talk and tends to monologue about her interests.

I would love for her to move into a more social setting, like a retirement community or assisted living or something. But, she's paid off her house and loves her yard and gardening. She is where she wants to be.

okay but if it's ruining her life, maybe meds are exactly the answer -- just like you need meds for diabetes sometimes you need for mental health

I haven't read all the responses but I could see something in which she feels defensive abut losing more family so she is preemptively blocking people.

Why on earth did you tell her this is “not” mental illness? You know she has something — severe ADHD and/or bipolar. This was a perfect opportunity to tell her she needs a therapist and perhaps medication.

like a retirement community or assisted living or something. But, she's paid off her house and loves her yard and gardening. She is where she wants to be.

Continue to push. Go visit. Narrow-down the options. She needs it, or may need it soon-ish (mentally)

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not clear. Does she have a fixation on privacy and a fear of getting hacked? Or does she get upset that her relatives don't reach out as much as she wants, and she shoots herself in the foot by cutting them off?

If the former, it sounds like she has a hyperfocus like some autistic people do. The traditional ASD portrays men as being asocial and fixated on trains/history/etc, but there are some, especially women, who have a desperate need to socialize but don't know how. Also, sometimes, their OCD fixations get in the way. Often, it's germophobia, but sometimes it's a social paranoia like fear of being tracked.

Just putting it out there in case it rings a bell with your mother. There is no cure for that except therapy for the OCD/fixation and meds for anxiety.

OP here.

Her reasons for this are all of the above, depending on when she is discussing it. It morphs from privacy to fear of getting hacked to being upset that they don't pursue a relationship with her in the way she wants.

She has wondered before if she has ASD. The diagnosis that she has received in the past has been a toss up between severe ADHD and bipolar. She will not get therapy and I doubt medications are possible because she's on a lot of other medications and I can't imagine that adding anything else would be healthy. She wouldn't consider it anyway.

She does have a lot of great interests that she pursues and I love that she does that. She has very few real connections to people, though. Sadly, I don't think she's capable of it. She hates small talk and tends to monologue about her interests.

I would love for her to move into a more social setting, like a retirement community or assisted living or something. But, she's paid off her house and loves her yard and gardening. She is where she wants to be.

A lot of communities have senior clubs where the members meet regularly for lunches and do activities. Maybe you could find something like that in her town for her?

Agree with the need to socialize. Can you encourage her to try activities at her local senior center and/or library? You can check on line to see if there's anything going on that might interest her and then discuss. Obviously, you can't force her, but you can at least plant the seeds.

More social interaction may lessen her complaints about family.

Anonymous wrote:You're not clear. Does she have a fixation on privacy and a fear of getting hacked? Or does she get upset that her relatives don't reach out as much as she wants, and she shoots herself in the foot by cutting them off?

If the former, it sounds like she has a hyperfocus like some autistic people do. The traditional ASD portrays men as being asocial and fixated on trains/history/etc, but there are some, especially women, who have a desperate need to socialize but don't know how. Also, sometimes, their OCD fixations get in the way. Often, it's germophobia, but sometimes it's a social paranoia like fear of being tracked.

Just putting it out there in case it rings a bell with your mother. There is no cure for that except therapy for the OCD/fixation and meds for anxiety.

OP here.

Her reasons for this are all of the above, depending on when she is discussing it. It morphs from privacy to fear of getting hacked to being upset that they don't pursue a relationship with her in the way she wants.

She has wondered before if she has ASD. The diagnosis that she has received in the past has been a toss up between severe ADHD and bipolar. She will not get therapy and I doubt medications are possible because she's on a lot of other medications and I can't imagine that adding anything else would be healthy. She wouldn't consider it anyway.

She does have a lot of great interests that she pursues and I love that she does that. She has very few real connections to people, though. Sadly, I don't think she's capable of it. She hates small talk and tends to monologue about her interests.

I would love for her to move into a more social setting, like a retirement community or assisted living or something. But, she's paid off her house and loves her yard and gardening. She is where she wants to be.

I think it's a sign of depression.

I agree she needs more socialization. If she doesn't want to move into a care facility (some have wonderful, independent apartments), she should at least look into a book club, woman's club, dinner club.

What city is she located in? We could give better recommendations.

being around people even if she ticks them off, and is disagreeable, it still will help a lot.

She needs to move into a facility with appropriate care -- and for her, socialization.

You're not clear. Does she have a fixation on privacy and a fear of getting hacked? Or does she get upset that her relatives don't reach out as much as she wants, and she shoots herself in the foot by cutting them off?

If the former, it sounds like she has a hyperfocus like some autistic people do. The traditional ASD portrays men as being asocial and fixated on trains/history/etc, but there are some, especially women, who have a desperate need to socialize but don't know how. Also, sometimes, their OCD fixations get in the way. Often, it's germophobia, but sometimes it's a social paranoia like fear of being tracked.

Just putting it out there in case it rings a bell with your mother. There is no cure for that except therapy for the OCD/fixation and meds for anxiety.

Yes there are mental health issues and my mother is like this, but isn't on Facebook. The best thing you can do is detach from it and not engage or reinforce it by coddling her. Give suggestions for ways to make friends and suggest she sort it out with a therapist.

I put up with this BS my entire life and didn't detach until I had my own illness and my own family was suffering (because I was so involved with her when dad was ill and after).

Your mom will eventually attempt to dump on other people. She may get mad at you. Mine did. When my mom hit rock bottom she got therapy and medication. When she sticks with it she is a more rational and balanced person, but she keeps deciding she is cured and going off.

My mom is 70 and frequently cries on the phone with me that she has no family. She's not wrong. She's single and has no contact with her siblings or cousins, etc. I'm an only child and I live 5 hours away with my DH, kids, and job.

But, she just told me that's blocked her remaining family members on Facebook. This isn't new. She's inclined to complain about her lack of family and then change her phone number, not given anyone her new number, and now block them all on Facebook.

She asked me if that's a sign of mental illness that she's doing all this. I said I don't think so but she's certainly focusing a lot on it, which seems a bit much. She went on and on about it again and then on to blocking them will reduce that chance of getting hacked, etc.

She wants connection while simultaneously finding ways to prevent anyone from reaching out. I don't know why I mentioned her age because she's always been like this.

I have no point here. Guess I'm just ranting.