It is not HER choice -- to have only you. She does not get to decide this re: your life.

Ugh, I empathize OP.

I created a system w/ my mother because I had to tell her that I just couldn't respond to every need. (And I couched it in terms of what I had to be able to do for my kids, my job, etc... - which she understood.) So we talked in terms of red/yellow/green - green meant she was fine and didn't need help. Yellow meant she needed help but it didn't have to be me. Red was when I had to be the person who responded.

Talking it through (while sitting in the hospital after a full on code red but planning for lots of yellow and hopefully some green) by tasks/possible scenarios really helped get her on board. And it helped me also.

Good luck - this stuff is really hard.

My mother is a bit like OPs and refused any help except from me or my sister. Sadly, my sister passed away and it all came down on me. She did have a cleaning lady so that helped. But I finally convinced her to have someone come one day a week to drive her around so she can shop and just get out. Now I’ve got her working with a PT once a week. I did all of the recruiting and I’m paying for all of it but it’s a huge relief for me.

Do your friends know how annoying your mom is? Maybe they dont want their cleaning ladies to be subjected to whatever horrors with her.

I agree with being willing (but accepting) that she will be mad at you. You need to let that roll off your back, like a toddler mad at you for slapping their hand away from an open burner.

OP, this is hard. I'm sorry, it's so hard. It is. A few tough-love comments to you: You have got to be willing to have your Mother mad at you. Otherwise there's potential for a whole lot of emotional manipulation. You are now the most competent adult in the room, Repeat that. Repeat it again. The tables have turned and you will need to be the one to step-up. Make the hard decision. Start by stating: What you can do. What you will do.

Does your hometown have a listserv you can access? A local church that might have a community posting area?

The biggest thing with your mom is going to be holding the line when you tell her things you can’t do. She’s scared of this new era and you are what she’s clinging to. Keep reminding her that you love her and want the best for her so you can work together to get her the assistance that she needs and that you need to support her. You aren’t giving up helping her, the help is to extend YOUR capacity!

My mom only wants my help, she doesn’t want anyone else’s. It’s frustrating. She can’t do much for herself anymore but refuses outside help. Yet - she can’t or won’t do anything without me doing it for her. She needs to go back home soon - and I need her to accept help. To compound my issues my hometown friends refuse to give me the phone numbers of their cleaning ladies so I can have a starting point where to look. I won’t steal them - if they don’t have time I’ll just ask them if any of their friends is available. What’s the big deal? Why do they have to be so difficult?