Anonymous wrote:Your sister who is moving away who was closest probably realizes your mother needs a lot of help and this might have also factored into her moving. You need think how your mom is going to potentially afford 8 years of care that increases every year.

The issue with moving her is that her memory is failing so it will be hard for her to adapt to a new place right now. Once she is further impaired then it might not matter. But for now just leave her there and see how much she declines in a year.

I suspect that is a reason for the move, yes. Sadly.

The cost issue is the biggest problem. Mom moved into this place prior to diagnosis. Her contract allows her to stay until “the end” and her assets were factored into that. I am concerned that her investment is fully amortized now and if she moves, we may not find another place that will take her with her assets and diagnosis.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You go once a month, your sibling goes once a month, and that’s pretty decent coverage. You can be there in 90 minutes in an emergency! I had a family member with Alzheimer’s in memory care a 10 hour drive away and that was brutal. You do the best you can.

I didn’t talk about other circumstances - like if I am facilitating a day long retreat (my job), on business travel, my husband is on travel, and my kids need me to be home for any multitude of reasons (like a dr appt). DH travels a lot and with the unpredictability of travel in this area I can’t just race up there and hope I will get home in time.

Judge much?

Also - she was a fine mother. Did the best with what she had. I was closer to my dad who passed a few years ago.

PP, that person was definitely not judging you. At all. They were extending grace for not being their daily, weekly, etc.

If this were me, I would try to move the parent closer. Even if I were only there a few times/month, once the emergencies hit, that 3-hour round trip adds up and fast.

Sorry… it’s hard to read tone accurately sometimes!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You go once a month, your sibling goes once a month, and that’s pretty decent coverage. You can be there in 90 minutes in an emergency! I had a family member with Alzheimer’s in memory care a 10 hour drive away and that was brutal. You do the best you can.

I didn’t talk about other circumstances - like if I am facilitating a day long retreat (my job), on business travel, my husband is on travel, and my kids need me to be home for any multitude of reasons (like a dr appt). DH travels a lot and with the unpredictability of travel in this area I can’t just race up there and hope I will get home in time.

Judge much?

Also - she was a fine mother. Did the best with what she had. I was closer to my dad who passed a few years ago.

PP, that person was definitely not judging you. At all. They were extending grace for not being their daily, weekly, etc.

If this were me, I would try to move the parent closer. Even if I were only there a few times/month, once the emergencies hit, that 3-hour round trip adds up and fast.

Your sister who is moving away who was closest probably realizes your mother needs a lot of help and this might have also factored into her moving. You need think how your mom is going to potentially afford 8 years of care that increases every year.

The issue with moving her is that her memory is failing so it will be hard for her to adapt to a new place right now. Once she is further impaired then it might not matter. But for now just leave her there and see how much she declines in a year.

At the end of the day, care quality always comes down to finances. It sucks, but that's the reality. So don't start with emotions, start with what she can afford. If there is a better place than where she is, can she even afford to move there? Can you afford to hire a private duty person 2 x a month to supplement? If not, it's a moot point. You're doing the best you can do.

Also remember it's a progressive disease. What works today is not going to work next month, etc.

If you are worried, hire a geriatric care manager (not A Place for Mom, but someone who only gets paid by families). They often know what the best places are because they have years of experience working with these places. They also understand the progression of the disease which I really did not at all. I chose a place based on what my family member wanted, not how the disease would progress.

Anonymous wrote:I would hire an aide or service to visit her a few times a week. Different company than the CCRC. That way you have some coverage, and eyes on her.

Thank you!

I would hire an aide or service to visit her a few times a week. Different company than the CCRC. That way you have some coverage, and eyes on her.

I don’t have anything constructive to add except be good to yourself. Even when you’re doing you best on a given day, you may feel like you’re failing. Do what you are able and don’t let other people judge you.

Anonymous wrote:OP, it is reasonable to think she will get appropriate care. Why go looking for trouble? Maybe stop reading horror stories. There are nice people everywhere. Kind, compassionate people everywhere. Who try to do the right thing. That do a good or adequate job. Don't you think that almost all people are good? Basically good. I do.

I do. Sure. But I saw things with grandparents and have heard stories about my aunt currently in care OOS and my MIL’s mom also OOS. And my BIL’s grandmother. Oh and I have worked in the healthcare space periodically. And I worked in a LTC facility in college. I know.

Anonymous wrote:You go once a month, your sibling goes once a month, and that’s pretty decent coverage. You can be there in 90 minutes in an emergency! I had a family member with Alzheimer’s in memory care a 10 hour drive away and that was brutal. You do the best you can.

I didn’t talk about other circumstances - like if I am facilitating a day long retreat (my job), on business travel, my husband is on travel, and my kids need me to be home for any multitude of reasons (like a dr appt). DH travels a lot and with the unpredictability of travel in this area I can’t just race up there and hope I will get home in time.

Judge much?

Also - she was a fine mother. Did the best with what she had. I was closer to my dad who passed a few years ago.

OP, it is reasonable to think she will get appropriate care. Why go looking for trouble? Maybe stop reading horror stories. There are nice people everywhere. Kind, compassionate people everywhere. Who try to do the right thing. That do a good or adequate job. Don't you think that almost all people are good? Basically good. I do.

You go once a month, your sibling goes once a month, and that’s pretty decent coverage. You can be there in 90 minutes in an emergency! I had a family member with Alzheimer’s in memory care a 10 hour drive away and that was brutal. You do the best you can.

Ignore ^

Anonymous wrote:Mom moved to a CCRC near my sister a few years back. Now my sister has decided to relocate 8 states away. My other sibling and I each live about 90 min (in good traffic) in opposite directions from mom.

Mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. We have gotten her to agree to move into the main campus building, and out of her independent cottage. She's not quite ready for assisted living services, but she gets easily confused, frequently can't recall words or express her thoughts clearly (we had her evaluated a few weeks ago).

Anticipating a transition to higher levels of nursing care in the next 1-2 years, I'm becoming worried that we will not have the capability of just running up there to check on her during the week, or to even get to know the nursing staff. I've heard and read about too many negligent nursing situations that I'm becoming more uncomfortable with her staying in this place for the long haul because I have no sense of the quality of care there. My sibling and I both have kids, and cannot commit to going there every week. Once a month is probably the best I can do, and even that is going to be challenging.

Is there any way to comprehensively research the quality of nursing care in these facilities to know if there are problems? Google Reviews sound pretty good for this place in the last 2-3 years. But how can I know if the nursing staff is attentive and responsive, and not negligent or abusive? Or is that even possible if I am not there frequently?

Was she a good mother to you? Was she abusive or neglectful in any way? Because if she was a terrible mother, than you don't need to read the rest of what I have to say. I had a terrible mother too and as far as I'm concerned, terrible parents don't deserve to have their kids help them in old age.

But if she was a decent mother, than I think it's really disgusting that you can't visit more than once a month when she is only a 90 minute drive away.

Mom moved to a CCRC near my sister a few years back. Now my sister has decided to relocate 8 states away. My other sibling and I each live about 90 min (in good traffic) in opposite directions from mom.

Mom has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. We have gotten her to agree to move into the main campus building, and out of her independent cottage. She's not quite ready for assisted living services, but she gets easily confused, frequently can't recall words or express her thoughts clearly (we had her evaluated a few weeks ago).

Anticipating a transition to higher levels of nursing care in the next 1-2 years, I'm becoming worried that we will not have the capability of just running up there to check on her during the week, or to even get to know the nursing staff. I've heard and read about too many negligent nursing situations that I'm becoming more uncomfortable with her staying in this place for the long haul because I have no sense of the quality of care there. My sibling and I both have kids, and cannot commit to going there every week. Once a month is probably the best I can do, and even that is going to be challenging.

Is there any way to comprehensively research the quality of nursing care in these facilities to know if there are problems? Google Reviews sound pretty good for this place in the last 2-3 years. But how can I know if the nursing staff is attentive and responsive, and not negligent or abusive? Or is that even possible if I am not there frequently?