Anonymous wrote:Yes. I am 4:58. We have realized that my mom is more upset by my presence and my father's presence, whereas more distant relatives or professional caregivers make her much calmer. I think it may be two things: 1) we are too familiar so it makes the magnitude of what she's lost real; and 2) we may remind her of her parents (who were abusive). Folks in later stages of dementia regress and if they had traumatic families of origin, the familiar faces are scary.

I really appreciate you posting this. I set off agitation and abusive behavior and my mother came from an abusive mother. She is treating me the same way my grandmother treated my aunt and uncle (mom was favorite). You mention regressing and she also treats me the way she did when I was a kid- highly controlling and condescending. I finally got peace and no longer needed therapy when I stepped back, got an outside professional involved to manage care and had her spend time with just about anyone but me because she was kind to them. We had a calm relationship from when I became an adult up until she entered her 70s.

I don’t know if this is true for everyone or whether there is any research that backs this up. I always thought that it’s like with little kids - they feel more comfortable around you and hide their emotions better in front of people that they’re not close with. IDK.

Anonymous wrote:Yes. I am 4:58. We have realized that my mom is more upset by my presence and my father's presence, whereas more distant relatives or professional caregivers make her much calmer. I think it may be two things: 1) we are too familiar so it makes the magnitude of what she's lost real; and 2) we may remind her of her parents (who were abusive). Folks in later stages of dementia regress and if they had traumatic families of origin, the familiar faces are scary.

This is so interesting, as I find that my presence is either totally calming or really agitating on my mom.

Yes. I am 4:58. We have realized that my mom is more upset by my presence and my father's presence, whereas more distant relatives or professional caregivers make her much calmer. I think it may be two things: 1) we are too familiar so it makes the magnitude of what she's lost real; and 2) we may remind her of her parents (who were abusive). Folks in later stages of dementia regress and if they had traumatic families of origin, the familiar faces are scary.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you have to turn over more of the care to someone who is less triggering and triggered by the assaults. I cannot take my mom’s violence and hurtfulness. She wasn’t like that before, and she would have protected me ferociously from anyone that behaved that way toward me (and did). So now I need to manifest her wishes for me and protect me from her.

It’s my way of caring for her.

And don’t let anyone who hasn’t gone through violent Alzheimers or FTD or Lewy Body or anything similar give you…any…SHIT…ABOUT…IT! They don’t know.

We have one life. My mom in her healthy mind wouldn’t want me to live my life being crushed by her.

This is a profound realization - that not only do they trigger us, it seems we trigger them? I was just met with loads of passive aggressive behavior because I asked her to boil her own ravioli if she can, and if she truly cannot, I said I would do it for her. She looked at the ravioli, turned around and was making snide remarks as I ate my salad. Maybe I am in the wrong but she steadfastly claims that she cooks simple meals when she’s at her own home and I am trying to see if it’s true. I do think she can do it, but she just wants me to take care of her (regardless that I am working today, and have kids). I am not some miracle worker who can do everything at once.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you have to turn over more of the care to someone who is less triggering and triggered by the assaults. I cannot take my mom’s violence and hurtfulness. She wasn’t like that before, and she would have protected me ferociously from anyone that behaved that way toward me (and did). So now I need to manifest her wishes for me and protect me from her.

It’s my way of caring for her.

And don’t let anyone who hasn’t gone through violent Alzheimers or FTD or Lewy Body or anything similar give you…any…SHIT…ABOUT…IT! They don’t know.

We have one life. My mom in her healthy mind wouldn’t want me to live my life being crushed by her.

This, also don't take it personally if you notice the parent is much better for anyone, but you related or not. It really hurt me, but I realized THEY are the people she should be around. There is no reason for me to be so involved if it just makes her agitated, rage-filled and prone to abusive behavior. My job is to make sure she has decent care and it's much better for her well-being to not be in a constant state of fury.

Yes, you have to turn over more of the care to someone who is less triggering and triggered by the assaults. I cannot take my mom’s violence and hurtfulness. She wasn’t like that before, and she would have protected me ferociously from anyone that behaved that way toward me (and did). So now I need to manifest her wishes for me and protect me from her.

It’s my way of caring for her.

And don’t let anyone who hasn’t gone through violent Alzheimers or FTD or Lewy Body or anything similar give you…any…SHIT…ABOUT…IT! They don’t know.

We have one life. My mom in her healthy mind wouldn’t want me to live my life being crushed by her.

It’s so hard OP. I’m a few years in and I just have to find humor where I can and remind myself that my loved one has a disease and they can’t control it. I knew them before and they weren’t like that, and they don’t want to be like that. And for the most part they won’t have any memory of being an absolute terror but it’s incredibly traumatizing for the caregiver. You just do the best you can and hope your soul doesn’t die in the process.

It is very disturbing and sad to see it happen to your parent. I have coped by finding Alzheimers caregiver youtube videos and podcasts mostly. There are caregiver support groups and books. You sound like you need more support—I really hope you have hired a caregiver or have someone else to help. If not you need to look at all avenues asap.

Are you realted or a stranger? It's much easier for a stranger to watch all those training videos online and apply it. I think for loved ones, if the person is really terribly behaved, those videos are just salt in a wound trying to make you do the impossible.

If you are related and can afford it, you hire others who are trained to do it and are less likely to take things personally or feel horror or sadness. Is this person living with you? If so, have a plan for memory care because it just gets worse. Much easier to do a visit in a garden for 45 minutes or whatever amount of time they can handle then to deal with this day in and day out all the time. It's worth every penny not to care for the person yourself and just visit. If you really want an inheritance, let go of the idea to save your sanity.

If you’re a caregiver of a parent with dementia, in your home, how do you deal with the personality changes that come across as almost insanity? I find some of the things so utterly disturbing and unsettling, I don’t know how any of you deal with it. Do caregivers just manage to have the emotional distance or extreme emotional strength?