Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mean to offend anyone but spending time with elderly parents and in laws (80s) has me very concerned about what will happen when they pass. One set has moved around a lot and has pared down their belongings along the way which is helpful but the other set has been in the same home 50 years and keeps and attaches sentimental value to everything. How do we (a) kindly suggest that they start paring things down and (b) prepare ourselves for having to do it ourselves in the future?

Just let them live and consider it a right of passage. If my child asked me to clean my house so they don’t have to I would be insulted. And at the same time I’m 62 and am attempting to downsize some. Too much stuff and I am trying to get rid of unnecessary papers and documents. Not for my child but so I have less clutter.

PP. rite not right. I had to clean my mom’s house. It was a lot to deal with and not worse than the dementia she lived with for more than a decade.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t mean to offend anyone but spending time with elderly parents and in laws (80s) has me very concerned about what will happen when they pass. One set has moved around a lot and has pared down their belongings along the way which is helpful but the other set has been in the same home 50 years and keeps and attaches sentimental value to everything. How do we (a) kindly suggest that they start paring things down and (b) prepare ourselves for having to do it ourselves in the future?

Just let them live and consider it a right of passage. If my child asked me to clean my house so they don’t have to I would be insulted. And at the same time I’m 62 and am attempting to downsize some. Too much stuff and I am trying to get rid of unnecessary papers and documents. Not for my child but so I have less clutter.

They won’t pare it down.

You can hire junk haulers to take it all away for recycling.

I’m going through this now with a hoarder sibling and it’s crazy making. The hoarder has filled two homes and a storage unit with junk and takes all the parents house trash home in their car.

NP with three deceased parents and one deceased in law.

If I could do it again, I would wait until they pass.

It goes against all instincts but here is the rationale:

(my parents were divorced and living apart)

With my mother, who was a mild hoarder, I'd clean things out...and she'd restock them with something else. This went on for years! I wasted so many days/weeks possibly months of my life cleaning out her crap...over and over...

With my father, who was a huge hoarder, through circumstance he ended up living with us temporarily while in treatment but then died. So after his death, his house was totally untouched and so, so full.

My brother and I rented a commercial size garbage bin and I think we filled it 3.5 times. It ended up being easier.

The only thing you are really looking for is photos, money, and jewelry. You really don't need to save anything else unless there is some priceless painting you think you can sell.

The trick is, not to get sucked into the "I can resell this chair online" or that will become your whole life.

It stresses me out, but I can't fix it or do much to prepare.

My plan is to go through the house and grab all the sentimental stuff, then hire an estate sale or cleaning company to haul everything else away. I have no idea what this will cost, but I don't see another way, it's just something I will have to do.

Likely, you'll have to do it yourselves. Likely it won't be as bad as you think. Don't let it spook you or affect your relationship with them in the present. Two approaches (after they are gone): You hire a service that sorts - throws-out - donates and they take a % of what is sold + probably a fee. With 4 siblings, it cost us 1K each. Well worth it. It was a large, complicated property. Or you do it yourself. Have a dumpster delivered (one after another) and most things go into dumpster depending on your mental energy for sorting.

Btw, imho their inaction by default = you have no responsibility to their stuff. If there are keepsakes you want now, now is the time to ask if you can have them. Ask.

Anonymous wrote:My mom is a hoarder and I haven't been in her house in years. I can't worry about it because it's beyond my control. I will hire a company to help. It will be difficult for a variety of reasons. I will deal.

What I can do is start reducing my stuff.

Same, but for my dad. There's absolutely nothing I can do right now and I refuse to spend time worrying about it. My mom has pared down, thank god - she learned that lesson clearing out her parents' house.

My mom is a hoarder and I haven't been in her house in years. I can't worry about it because it's beyond my control. I will hire a company to help. It will be difficult for a variety of reasons. I will deal.

What I can do is start reducing my stuff.

In my 60s, I'm very conscious of this but I live with someone who can't let go of things. So I work on downsizing what I have, because he will just resist my suggestions. This thread is a good reminder that I need to get back to more downsizing of my stuff!

Yes but there's little I can do.

DH's parents are both now deceased and we ended up bringing in an auction house to clear out almost everything since his mother had not downsized at all even though his father had died a decade earlier. Seriously, the damp basement had mildewed board games and old golf balls sitting in buckets that had been there forever yet she refused to throw them away.

My parents actively refuse to get rid of anything. They downsized homes but didn't get rid of stuff, instead it's all still in moving boxes sitting in the basement of their smaller home. My siblings and I know it's going to be a huge hassle when that time comes that we have to clean it out. My father thinks of everything as a memento. "Remember coloring in this 30yr old coloring book with your grandma?" I will be ruthless and get rid of tons of stuff day one but still dread the time I know it will take because they won't do the easy clean out now.

Don’t borrow trouble. You’ll deal with it then. And yes, there are companies that can solve this for you in a matter of days. If there are important papers or photos or heirlooms, make sure you know where they are now.

I am, but it's not just the house, it's two barns as well.

I would remind yourself there are companies you can hire to do this work. Take a deep breath! It's okay. You don't have to do this alone.

They're not necessarily going to be capable of doing what you want them to do, even if they wanted to. The loss of energy and decision-making ability is real, even if they seem cognitively okay during your visits. And it's really not worth wrecking a visit fighting over it-- you won't win, because they're not capable of doing what you want them to.

I would start by taking out of the house anything that actually belongs to you or your DH. Any old childhood stuff, stuff that's in storage, etc. Get that gone. Then, anything that's belonging to a sibling. Take it out of the house and give your sibling a reasonable amount of time to come get it, FedEx it to them, or you trash it. Then, see what your elders are willing to part with, and make it easier for them by offering an (imaginary) perfect recipient and doing the legwork yourself. Yes, your hoard of recyclable margarine containers will be PERFECT for my friend who is an elementary school art teacher! She will be so thrilled! Oh the joy those children will feel. Like that.

Start now.

We started tackling a bit at a time every time we visit. Some of it was just reorganizing things by person (childhood memorabilia and family photos), some was getting rid of things they don't realize they have (attic - which they can't even access themselves anymore - and basement storage), etc.

I don’t mean to offend anyone but spending time with elderly parents and in laws (80s) has me very concerned about what will happen when they pass. One set has moved around a lot and has pared down their belongings along the way which is helpful but the other set has been in the same home 50 years and keeps and attaches sentimental value to everything. How do we (a) kindly suggest that they start paring things down and (b) prepare ourselves for having to do it ourselves in the future?