My parents-in-laws have always been great, basically from Day One. Part of it is just their nature, part of it is how they were raised to interact with their own in laws, and part of it is that DH hadn't really had his parents meet any of the women he dated post college. So I think they saw it as serious and wanted to act accordingly.

Sibling OTOH shifts back and forth from being fairly good to somewhat of a PITA, including making our wedding about them. For awhile, DH thought it was on me, then they did something that even DH couldn't ignore. I strive to be kind, courteous, etc and that seems to be working at the moment.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why most people don't get along with their in laws(FIL, MIL, DIL, SIL, BIL)?

They also do not get along with their siblings, parents, children, cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, spouse, neighbors, coworkers, friends, Taylor Swift, Meghan Markle.

#thebest

Anonymous wrote:Despite their son and I having a lot in common, I have little to anything in common with any of them...... So I am nice and cordial. But I am not going to buy all of the gifts and send all of the cards and letters. And thank you notes. I do that for my family. No reason my husband cannot do it for his.

My DH had pretty much zero in common with my parents, but because they made me, he was all in for them. Have always appreciated his gratitude and generosity with them.

Anonymous wrote:Why most people don't get along with their in laws(FIL, MIL, DIL, SIL, BIL)?

They also do not get along with their siblings, parents, children, cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles, spouse, neighbors, coworkers, friends, Taylor Swift, Meghan Markle.

Two words: boundaries and expectations

Because it’s another group that has expectations/demands. As a working parent, you have to fulfill many people’s expectations/demands… from your kids, from work, from your own family, & from your in-laws. It is a lot.

I can deal with the demands & expectations from my own parents (as annoying as they can be right now), because I remember all of the things they did for me when I was growing up. So that makes it easier for me to do things for them, to visit when they want or take them to see great aunt Mary or whatever. Because they did all of that & more for me.

But I don’t have that store of good feelings with my in-laws, so their demands are just …demands. They didn’t pay into the pot, so to speak, so I don’t really feel a sense of obligation to them. I know my partner might, and so if he wants to visit and do stuff, I do too. But if they are not people I would enjoy talking to at a party, and I don’t have that feeling of obligation towards them that I have towards my own parents, and DH does not put in the effort to plan visits with them…then the relationship is not great.

My relationship is decent with the in-laws because DH does the “work” - he plans stuff with them, will take the kids to visit with me & also without me, buys them gifts. When we host, I am on duty for a lot of it like the cooking, but DH “handles” them. So we can have a nice relationship. I think when that is not the case, it makes it hard for the spouse to like the in-laws - it’s all demands & obligations, without that built- up feeling of love underneath it.

Often these relationships start off on the wrong foot. The first time I met my inlaws I was bright, smiley, knocked myself out to engage them in conversation, and they wouldn't even make eye contact with me. To them I was just some girl their son was "spending time" with, and I wasn't the first girlfriend he'd brought home. Eventually after a long time they realized I was sticking around and started to warm up but by then the die was cast.

Well they're either nuts or addicts. That's why. One is in and out of mental institutions and the others are in and out or rehabs or still using. They guilt trip and only talk about themselves and never let anyone else speak, they only call when they need money...enoughs enough.

Despite their son and I having a lot in common, I have little to anything in common with any of them...... So I am nice and cordial. But I am not going to buy all of the gifts and send all of the cards and letters. And thank you notes. I do that for my family. No reason my husband cannot do it for his.

I tried and honestly wanted to get to know him, especially when we were dating in first married. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Didn't send enough cards I didn't make DH Go to church enough, I didn't have enough pictures at our wedding that included them...... News flash did all of those things.....and more. I was the one sending thank you cards and holiday cards and when it was no longer appreciated. I said fine. Talk to your son. You want us to visit more. Talk to him. And guess what? They soon realized I was the driving force to the frequent visits because now we visit a couple of times a year..... She's tried to get back on my good side but it's a little too late for that based on something she has said.

I had a great relationship with my in-laws (who are both deceased) but agree it's because one or both parties usually don't want to get along. Like any relationship there are bumps and you need to communicate through the differences but on both ends it seems like people are willing to just throw the other party down the drain instead of putting the effort in.

I do think one thing that really helps in all of this is if the married couple are aligned that they are each other's first priority, not the parents/in-laws.

Because they are forced relationships with people you most likely would not give the time a day to otherwise.

My observation from this board is because they don’t want to. I have a great relationship with my in-laws and would never handle them the way this board always advises, which is to have DH communicate with them and not try hard to assimilate into their family.
That said, I don’t like my SIL. I would never be friends with her if I met her independently. But we’re family and I’m going to see her at holidays for my whole life, so I make a point to make small talk, catch up a bit and be pleasant but that’s about it.

I don’t even get along with DH, let alone his family.

Why most people don't get along with their in laws(FIL, MIL, DIL, SIL, BIL)?