Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Same situation. Don’t underestimate that 45 minute one way trip- it’s a time suck and can be grueling. My mom has been in and out of assisted and independent living in NoVa and depending upon traffic, can be over an hour in the car.

My mom loves to go to the “fancy” dining room for meals and so I plan my visits around this and meet her for lunch or dinner.

My sibling and I really encourage her to take full advantage of exercise programs, activities and services available on campus. I think once a week visits are absolutely fine. Daily check ins by phone are easy.

Don’t know if you’ve sent a DC to college - but it’s similar to this situation: be supportive, be available, be encouraging but don’t get in the way of the adjustment, connection-making early days. Don’t be quick to “rescue” or transfer her out of a place or move her temporarily to your house. Follow the 30 day rule - give the new to her staff, residents, environment a full 30 days before considering any changes.

this is such good advice. Also, don't do anything like daily calls. Keep in touch, but do not allow neediness and codependency. It is best for brain health, well being and your sanity that she make friends and acclimate and that takes time and some discomfort. When you come thank the staff and see if they have any input. If you are allowed, it's nice to bring a fruit basket for the staff or at the holidays if allowed giftcards.

Great advice. DS went to UMD and they said don’t let them come home for the first 6 weeks.

Anonymous wrote:Same situation. Don’t underestimate that 45 minute one way trip- it’s a time suck and can be grueling. My mom has been in and out of assisted and independent living in NoVa and depending upon traffic, can be over an hour in the car.

My mom loves to go to the “fancy” dining room for meals and so I plan my visits around this and meet her for lunch or dinner.

My sibling and I really encourage her to take full advantage of exercise programs, activities and services available on campus. I think once a week visits are absolutely fine. Daily check ins by phone are easy.

Don’t know if you’ve sent a DC to college - but it’s similar to this situation: be supportive, be available, be encouraging but don’t get in the way of the adjustment, connection-making early days. Don’t be quick to “rescue” or transfer her out of a place or move her temporarily to your house. Follow the 30 day rule - give the new to her staff, residents, environment a full 30 days before considering any changes.

this is such good advice. Also, don't do anything like daily calls. Keep in touch, but do not allow neediness and codependency. It is best for brain health, well being and your sanity that she make friends and acclimate and that takes time and some discomfort. When you come thank the staff and see if they have any input. If you are allowed, it's nice to bring a fruit basket for the staff or at the holidays if allowed giftcards.

I’d say move them as close as possible unless this is already a done deal. I’d try to see her once a week and call once a week. My mom used me as a crutch for the longest time, and once I backed off some she started enjoying the place more. My guilt kept me in touch a little too much for her own good.

My mom is about 30 min away. I estimate we see her once a week socially (dinner , kid performance etc) abd I drive her to appointments about 3x:month. That’s really the time suck (rip all my sick leave). For a 10 am appointment I need to take off 8:45-11:30 to noon she is also very slow. Takes her 15 min to get in the car and if she’s not ready then even longer…I hired someone who comes 2x week abd will help get shower and run errands but sounds Ike your mom is more independent. My mom has Alzheimer’s so I need to go to all the doctors appointments….otherwise her helper can take her to get her lipstick or whatever

My parents' CCRC was further away and my friends' mom's is closer, but we both found that what worked for us was regular phone calls (find a schedule that you know you can keep to, because they will be counting on it) and visits that involved some task and some hanging out. So, for example, my friend was taking her mom out for breakfast and errands on Saturdays, which left the rest of the weekend free for her family, and then it turned out that there was one night that her mom hated dinner at her AL place, so my friend started doing a takeout-and-laundry evening. They chatted while they folded.

Are you planning on doing her laundry or are you taking chances with the laundry at her assisted living place?

Anonymous wrote:My mom is moving back to our hometown where I still live and will be living in assisted living close by (45 minutes).

This is new for us. How often should I plan on visiting her? Should I call daily?

What do others do?

I am surprised she is still driving if she is in assisted living. Why does she need the assistance? How often were you thinking of visiting?

FWIW, we have four relatives in independent living (so less assistance than assisted living). Three can no longer drive for heath reasons, and I wouldn't want the fourth to be driving 25 minutes back and forth to dinner. I know lots of older adults still have licenses and drive safely, but I personally wouldn't assume that a resident in assisted living would be able to do so, particularly in beyond the next few months to a year.

45 minutes one way. But it is the only option. Meeting halfway for dinner is a great idea though.

Agree 45mins is far! Does she drive? If so, I would look for a meeting place half way in between. My mom is very close. She comes for dinner on Sundays . She does not like to drive after dark so in the winter we drive her. Its only 10 mins each way...but that is 40 mins each time.

What do others do? Some elders have no one. Some have family who are too hovering and make work for themselves.

You really need to know your own mind.

What would work for -your- schedule, on a consistent basis? Start there. You can always ramp up the togetherness if later your schedule allows.

Is it 45 minutes one way or round trip? If it is one way and you are looking at an hour and a half round trip think about finding a closer place. Sometimes I just need to go drop off things to my mother in assisted living and driving so far is a pain. As she ages in assisted living there are more and more things she needs.

Same situation. Don’t underestimate that 45 minute one way trip- it’s a time suck and can be grueling. My mom has been in and out of assisted and independent living in NoVa and depending upon traffic, can be over an hour in the car.

My mom loves to go to the “fancy” dining room for meals and so I plan my visits around this and meet her for lunch or dinner.

My sibling and I really encourage her to take full advantage of exercise programs, activities and services available on campus. I think once a week visits are absolutely fine. Daily check ins by phone are easy.

Don’t know if you’ve sent a DC to college - but it’s similar to this situation: be supportive, be available, be encouraging but don’t get in the way of the adjustment, connection-making early days. Don’t be quick to “rescue” or transfer her out of a place or move her temporarily to your house. Follow the 30 day rule - give the new to her staff, residents, environment a full 30 days before considering any changes.

How close are you? Is she needy? You want her to make friends there and have a life and not have you be a crutch, but you want to be in that life, making sure she is getting what she needs and make memories with her (if she is kind). So you find your balance. For everyone that will depend on how healthy the relationship is, how much time you have, what her needs are, what other obligations you have. You don't want to burn out so you may do a lot of re-calibrating. The most important thing is you taker care of yourself and the family you created and after that you aim to do what you can to make sure she is enjoying good quality of life.

My mom is moving back to our hometown where I still live and will be living in assisted living close by (45 minutes).

This is new for us. How often should I plan on visiting her? Should I call daily?

What do others do?