So maybe I'm an a*hole, but if your mom is not mentally there, why did you turn down this opportunity?

This is OP-Thanks for all the kind words and shared stories. Having had some time to sit with the decision I do believe this is the best one. My boss is supportive of my decision. And we’re at the stage now that every time I see my mom she’s the best she’s ever going to be, she’s just in such a cognitive decline. So I need to take advantage of the little time I have left while semblances of her mind are still there. Pretty much as soon as I declined the opportunity she started having physical issues and now needs PT and OT. So it really reinforced everything.

Friendships are suffering for sure and that’s something I need to work on. New Year’s resolution is to find the time somewhere.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe, but maybe not. You are doing what needs to be done at this point in your life and you never know what’s around the corner. Karma will be on your side.

The karma is such bs. I know several people who made endless sacrifices for in their cases nasty abusive elders and the reward was within a few years of elder dying came cancer-late stage. No good deed goes unpunished is more like it.

I truly believe the good you put out in the world will come back two fold. There will be another opportunity that will be better when the time is right for you OP.

If you are middle aged & this is the first time you has had to throttle the career a little, don’t worry. You’ve done a great job moving up the ranks & getting over some of those hurdles. Honestly, maybe now is a time to look at what does your post-career-hustle look like? Are you thinking of retirement? Changing roles? I am just throwing out ideas - late 50s woman here, thinking through these issues myself.

Sorry OP, I know it’s hard. There’s an ebb & flow to life - that’s life. Let this job opportunity go, & sleep easy knowing you made the right choice for your life right now.

It's ok OP. Take care of yourself and do something nice for yourself. Watch It's A Wonderful Life.

FWIW, I have watched both my parents do this at various times (but more my mother). They cared for their parents, and then for my aunt during the couple years she had cancer. She moved in with them and died in their home.

They are solidly on the other side of it now and really thriving and enjoying themselves. My mom was never super ambitious about her career but if she had been, she would have thrown herself into it again. My dad’s career has ebbed and flowed with family responsibilities but lately has been collaborative and fun for him. Their lives got a lot lighter once the intensive eldercare responsibilities ended.

Probably not a huge comfort to you now, so feel free to wallow in it. I am here for your pity party! This period isn’t forever and it will get better for you.

Maybe, but maybe not. You are doing what needs to be done at this point in your life and you never know what’s around the corner. Karma will be on your side.

I’m sorry, OP. It’s hard and you’re doing great.

Anonymous wrote:Op I did this and regretted it, but my mom became more abusive with dementia. Never regretted sacrifices for my kids or husband, one of whom has SN. When it got to the point my health was worse than hers we got outside professionals to manage everything in her care. They were trained to also advocate and negotiate with memory care. It’s all about the relationship. If you are doing this out of guilt only and you are resentful look at options. If it feels right and you were raised with a lot of love and support then cherish your time and I hope when the time is right new opportunities are there. It’s tough.

Yes, I stepped back in all things related to my personal life to care for my mom. It started as a crisis but it quickly became daily 24/7 care. Because we were trying to figure out so many things that were coming at us quickly we didn't have time to sit back and figure out the best path forward. Before I knew it 2.5 years la later I started to get resentful for all the things I had to put on the backburner to ensure my mom's health was maintained. And sure enough - my physical and mental health deteriorated as did my friendships and family relationships. Making things worse money was an issue - so finding supportive care at an affordable price was a challenge. We are still trying to figure things out but if I could do it all over, the first thing I would have done is find professional care so I wasn't the one managing or giving up my life. While it may sound selfish, the reality is its a neverending role that doesn't get easier.

That sucks OP, I'm so sorry (about the hard career decisions, about your mom, about the impossible choices and realities...)

Op I did this and regretted it, but my mom became more abusive with dementia. Never regretted sacrifices for my kids or husband, one of whom has SN. When it got to the point my health was worse than hers we got outside professionals to manage everything in her care. They were trained to also advocate and negotiate with memory care. It’s all about the relationship. If you are doing this out of guilt only and you are resentful look at options. If it feels right and you were raised with a lot of love and support then cherish your time and I hope when the time is right new opportunities are there. It’s tough.

I'm sorry OP. It IS hard.

I hope you get another great opportunity.

And I’m pretty sad about it. I had to turn down a pretty great opportunity career-wise because I know I don’t have the resources to give it my best. I’m currently visiting my mom who has dementia twice a week in assisted living, and she’s declining pretty rapidly. I know I’m going to have to move her to memory care sooner than later and she’s been having some physical issues that are going to need attention. The new role is more demanding and stressful than my current role with less flexibility. It’s the first time in my career I’ve had to choose my personal life and it’s hard. I was even able to raise my kids and get them launched without too much impact on my professional trajectory. I know this is the right thing for me at this time, but it’s hard. I just came to have myself a little pity party.