Anonymous
12/12/2023 14:23
Subject: Re:Trying to understand my mother
Anonymous wrote:I don't have any scientific answers, but consider this:
Over the last 50 or more years, the roles of women have been evolving. This means that the roles of grandmother is also evolving. Not every woman feels the need to continue to parent after her children are raised and on their own. This is not a comment on anyone, just a consideration for the fact that women's roles are changing away from the stereotype of single->wife->mother->grandmother.
Not every woman likes kids. They love their own, but may not have much interest beyond that.
Not everyone is a kid person. Many people relate better to certain ages but not all ages.
Some women feel that when their kids are out of the house and self-sufficient, they can lead lives that don't center on [grand]parenting. They're through with that stage of their life.
My point is that there's no one answer and not necessarily a wrong answer.
This is the view I took when it became crystal clear my mother wasn't going to be very involved in my kids' lives. This is very well stated.
Anonymous
12/12/2023 13:19
Subject: Re:Trying to understand my mother
I think it's ok for OP to be sad that her mom is a disappointing grandma. She wanted more for her kids and she's not going to get it. It's a loss. Mourn it and move on. Find a way to be ok with what your mom is giving and don't expect more.
Take notes and be different for your kids.
Take notes and be different for your kids.
Anonymous
12/12/2023 12:42
Subject: Re:Trying to understand my mother
I don't have any scientific answers, but consider this:
Over the last 50 or more years, the roles of women have been evolving. This means that the roles of grandmother is also evolving. Not every woman feels the need to continue to parent after her children are raised and on their own. This is not a comment on anyone, just a consideration for the fact that women's roles are changing away from the stereotype of single->wife->mother->grandmother.
Not every woman likes kids. They love their own, but may not have much interest beyond that.
Not everyone is a kid person. Many people relate better to certain ages but not all ages.
Some women feel that when their kids are out of the house and self-sufficient, they can lead lives that don't center on [grand]parenting. They're through with that stage of their life.
My point is that there's no one answer and not necessarily a wrong answer.
Over the last 50 or more years, the roles of women have been evolving. This means that the roles of grandmother is also evolving. Not every woman feels the need to continue to parent after her children are raised and on their own. This is not a comment on anyone, just a consideration for the fact that women's roles are changing away from the stereotype of single->wife->mother->grandmother.
Not every woman likes kids. They love their own, but may not have much interest beyond that.
Not everyone is a kid person. Many people relate better to certain ages but not all ages.
Some women feel that when their kids are out of the house and self-sufficient, they can lead lives that don't center on [grand]parenting. They're through with that stage of their life.
My point is that there's no one answer and not necessarily a wrong answer.
Anonymous
12/12/2023 11:56
Subject: Trying to understand my mother
OP, my mother claims to be interested in my kids but rarely does she take us up on offers to interact with them. She lives about 2 hours away. My kids are now teens.
I have invited my parents over the years to grandparents day at school, all of their recitals/plays, all of their sports games, birthday parties, Halloween, etc. My mother declined or cancelled last minute on 99.9% of these events. So you can't say I didn't try or tell her. Are you inviting your mother to things? Some people (like my mother) want to be formally asked. Don't get worried about the details in why, just invite her.
If your mother declines, like mine does, then it's her, not you. Mourn the grandparent you thought you kids would have and move on. You cannot change people.
I have invited my parents over the years to grandparents day at school, all of their recitals/plays, all of their sports games, birthday parties, Halloween, etc. My mother declined or cancelled last minute on 99.9% of these events. So you can't say I didn't try or tell her. Are you inviting your mother to things? Some people (like my mother) want to be formally asked. Don't get worried about the details in why, just invite her.
If your mother declines, like mine does, then it's her, not you. Mourn the grandparent you thought you kids would have and move on. You cannot change people.
Anonymous
12/12/2023 11:52
Subject: Trying to understand my mother
pp again. She may have bathroom issues. Older people need the bathroom pretty often. It might matter if your family was on-the-go and she doesn't know the logistics. Wouldn't feel comfortable joining in
Anonymous
12/12/2023 11:48
Subject: Trying to understand my mother
^ I am 60 btw
Anonymous
12/12/2023 11:47
Subject: Trying to understand my mother
Op, you might approach it this way: what would feel to you, like the right amount of togetherness. Start there. If you had to schedule it and make it consistent. If you had to provide a reliable schedule. Some visiting. Some babysitting. But start with more visiting than babysitting.. Example: Sunday dinner at your house, every Sunday. The kid's sports practice on Wed afternoon. Meeting you for coffee on a certain morning. Whatever. Again, start with what would work for you on a consistent basis. PS, she needs a some time, occasionally, with just you. You are HER baby.
Btw, your Mom may not be as sharp as she use to be. She might be a little embarrassed about this. Not hold conversations as well or maybe think she's not as interesting. But I'm sure you can guide the conversation on a level that works for the two of you.
Btw, your Mom may not be as sharp as she use to be. She might be a little embarrassed about this. Not hold conversations as well or maybe think she's not as interesting. But I'm sure you can guide the conversation on a level that works for the two of you.
Anonymous
12/12/2023 11:11
Subject: Trying to understand my mother
Anonymous wrote:Some people aren't "kid people"
Yeah, how much was she into being a mom, when you were little?
(Are you hurt by this, or inconvenienced because she would make a handy babysitter? Not asked with snark, just wondering where you are coming from.)
Anonymous
12/12/2023 08:37
Subject: Trying to understand my mother
While she may say the kids are well-behaved and easy, would you really want her to say she DOESN'T think that?
In other words, you are raising your children in accordance with your rights as a parent. No one would argue with that. But is your method of raising your kids much different than how you were raised?
Your mother may not fully understand those methods and may be concerned that she will do something "wrong." So it might make her uncomfortable and she distances herself.
In other words, you are raising your children in accordance with your rights as a parent. No one would argue with that. But is your method of raising your kids much different than how you were raised?
Your mother may not fully understand those methods and may be concerned that she will do something "wrong." So it might make her uncomfortable and she distances herself.
Anonymous
12/11/2023 19:59
Subject: Re:Trying to understand my mother
My mom would come to my house to stay and spend several days in my kitchen cooking cakes, cookies, and every other kind of sugar treat you could imagine. She didn't really engage with the kids - play or read or talk to them. She just baked. She's not really a kid person and from what she has told me, didn't really enjoy raising me and my sibling. It is what it is, but I hope to be a different kind of grandparent.
Anonymous
12/11/2023 19:56
Subject: Trying to understand my mother
How often to you invite her over without her needing to watch the kids?
Anonymous
12/11/2023 19:49
Subject: Trying to understand my mother
She isn’t interested in spending time with them. She loves them. Don’t spend time worrying about this. It isn’t a big deal.
Anonymous
12/11/2023 19:33
Subject: Trying to understand my mother
I think some people are just not "kid" people and might find being around kids exhausting. She might also be busy with her own life- even though she is retired, she may still have a lot to keep her busy. Also, she might be afraid that if she watches your kids more, you will expect her to become the regular babysitter. All of these reasons would not mean that she doesn't love your kids though.
Anonymous
12/11/2023 19:28
Subject: Trying to understand my mother
Some people aren't "kid people"
Anonymous
12/11/2023 19:27
Subject: Trying to understand my mother
I’m posting here as a 36 year old to better understand my (67 year old) mother.
She is a retired widow and lives within a 10 minute drive. She worked full time until about five years ago. Despite living this close, she seems to have little interest in her grandchildren. She watches them maybe three times a year for about two hours, when we ask. She buys them gifts for birthdays and Christmas. She always remarks that they are well-behaved and easy, so I don’t think it’s them. I always assume people act in accordance to their truest desires, so does she just not really care to be with her grandkids? I’m not a grandparent yet, so I really can’t gauge how it feels.
She is a retired widow and lives within a 10 minute drive. She worked full time until about five years ago. Despite living this close, she seems to have little interest in her grandchildren. She watches them maybe three times a year for about two hours, when we ask. She buys them gifts for birthdays and Christmas. She always remarks that they are well-behaved and easy, so I don’t think it’s them. I always assume people act in accordance to their truest desires, so does she just not really care to be with her grandkids? I’m not a grandparent yet, so I really can’t gauge how it feels.