When Dad was being moved - before he was moved, we had a comfortable recliner bought, in position, iin front of the brand new, huge tv. Bigger than anything he had ever owned. It turned on to his favorite sport channel. Snacks within his reach.

That is how he saw his new place for the first time. Walked into that. And I doubt he had heard much about "the move" before that. Us four siblings had narrowed a list down to a few, taken Mom to see and she picked what would be their new place.

A couple of times, in the beginning, Dad asked, "why am I here?" We'd ask if he'd like to be in the place with the big tv? Yeah, I want to be there!! After a couple months, even when given the option of returning to their house for a visit for an afternoon, they declined.

We moved them. Sold their house after. My suggestion is, if they will be resistant, move them first.

Anonymous wrote:I would tell dad that mom is moving to an appropriate place and he can go along or fend for himself. Each of them should be allowed to make their own choice. If he wants to live all weekend in a wet diaper, he is entitled to choose that. Your mom will be making friends at the new place she is living.

I have a child with profound disabilities that needs to move to an intermediate care facility before my husband and I cannot physically care for her. My husband will try to keep her at home to the bitter end. While this is probably 10 years away, I’ve told him that if we cannot make a mutual decision then I will move out at some point. I would still love him, I would never divorce him and I would spend a lot of time with him. But I cannot change diapers on our grown daughter forever, and feed her, bathe her, etc. We both get to make our own choices.

I could have written this.

This happened with my parents. The kids had to step in and tell my mother (who was the difficult one who needed care that my father was performing but was slowly killing him) that the gig was up. He could no longer take care of her. She was not happy about it but we insisted. Absolutely zero regrets.

He is operating from a place of fear and deserves empathy. However, he doesn't get to ruin your mother's life or kill her early. And also, your mother isn't properly caring for him, even if she has every good intention. It's not appropriate.

A couple other things...you don't make it clear if your mom is going with him to wherever he needs to go or he's just going?

Why a nurse to help with toileting? Are you just using the wrong term? This does not require a nurse so I hope you're not paying a nurse.

I would tell dad that mom is moving to an appropriate place and he can go along or fend for himself. Each of them should be allowed to make their own choice. If he wants to live all weekend in a wet diaper, he is entitled to choose that. Your mom will be making friends at the new place she is living.

I have a child with profound disabilities that needs to move to an intermediate care facility before my husband and I cannot physically care for her. My husband will try to keep her at home to the bitter end. While this is probably 10 years away, I’ve told him that if we cannot make a mutual decision then I will move out at some point. I would still love him, I would never divorce him and I would spend a lot of time with him. But I cannot change diapers on our grown daughter forever, and feed her, bathe her, etc. We both get to make our own choices.

You have to protect your mom. I'd tell my dad that we're moving mom to a CCRC, and he could either move along or stay home with nursing care.

I am at a very similar point with my parents. Ultimately we are just going to force my dad to move. He doesn’t want to, but I think he is picturing sterile nursing homes where he will be locked in a bed all day. But even with health aids at home, it is a lot for my mom to deal with, and occasionally someone won’t show up for their shift, or it’s someone my dad doesn’t like. Plus overnight issues, and my mom is stressed and exhausted all the time. I hate that it’s come to this, but my dad is frail and needs too much help, he just doesn’t get to have his way at the expensive of his wife’s health and safety. So we are spending the next few months trying to sell him on the idea, but once we settle on a place and all the paperwork is sorted, we are just going to move them.

Why does his at home care have to be a nurse? If he mostly needs help with toileting, can’t he get daily help from a much less expensive aide? Could they afford a live-in helper who is an aide? Sometimes that can be a cheaper option, if the person is getting lodging and board in addition to their pay.
I agree that your 90 something year-old mother should not be taking care of him alone. It is a risk for her.

Anonymous wrote:It’s dangerous to stay home, dangerous mostly for your mom.

If you can afford it, find an over 55 community with continuous care and keep the house so he could go back if he terribly hated it but he has to try it for 1 year,

You seem to have combined over-55 communities with continuing care retirement communities. They are different, and at this point, OP's parents need a CCRC.

I agree that this situation is dangerous for her mom, and OP needs to help her get out now. Her dad can either come along or stay in the house with a daily visit from a home healthcare working and visits from her mom.

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to take a hard line with him about the nurse. It isn't safe for your mom to help him to the toilet. If he fell, she'd fall too, and even be fallen on top of. Get the weekend nurse back, and if your mom is unwilling to stand up to your dad then you will have to do it for her. It is simply not safe.

If someone your mom's level of frailty applied for a job doing personal care for your dad, would you hire? Or would you say no, this job requires physical strength and stability.

This. Also, your mom could get hurt while helping him. Caregivers often end up with back pain or fall themselves while helping someone else. How unfair would that be? She or you need to insist on caregiver or facility.

Tell him you could care less about inheritance to spend all your inheritance money on home care. Tell them if there is one penny left you will give it away.

It’s dangerous to stay home, dangerous mostly for your mom.

If you can afford it, find an over 55 community with continuous care and keep the house so he could go back if he terribly hated it but he has to try it for 1 year,

Then sell the house.

Note to everyone else, don’t be selfish plan yo go to a continuous care community don’t be a burden to untrained people.

Anonymous wrote:I think you have to take a hard line with him about the nurse. It isn't safe for your mom to help him to the toilet. If he fell, she'd fall too, and even be fallen on top of. Get the weekend nurse back, and if your mom is unwilling to stand up to your dad then you will have to do it for her. It is simply not safe.

If someone your mom's level of frailty applied for a job doing personal care for your dad, would you hire? Or would you say no, this job requires physical strength and stability.

THIS Op. This actually happened to my parents-Mom was helping Dad get his shoe on while standing, he fell on her and she broke her hip! And laid on the floor for 7 hours all night because her phone was across the room! And they are only in their 70's, your mom would probably not survive that. Now my mom has limited mobility, along with Dad's advanced parkinsons.

Since your mom is actually willing to look at senior places, I'd take her (on a day when the nurse is there to watch dad) and sell her on it. Really, for your dad the decision has to be made 'for' him. It's hard to think that our parents, especially our Dads, need to be 'told' what they are going to do, but you are at that point. And I'd get back the weekend nurse. What is he going to do, go for a jog when they are there? LOL.

This all being said-my folks won't take any of this advice and live one step away from disaster. Good luck.

I think you have to take a hard line with him about the nurse. It isn't safe for your mom to help him to the toilet. If he fell, she'd fall too, and even be fallen on top of. Get the weekend nurse back, and if your mom is unwilling to stand up to your dad then you will have to do it for her. It is simply not safe.

If someone your mom's level of frailty applied for a job doing personal care for your dad, would you hire? Or would you say no, this job requires physical strength and stability.

Does you Mom know where she would want to go? I think (quietly, confidentially), she researches this. She researches this, for yourself in case he passes ...she researches, for maybe now or very soon. You aren't going to know the end-game until later.

She may decide later she wants to move. And he'll move rather than stay behind. This is not something you need to know yet.

My Mom and Dad are both in their 90s, very close in chronological age.
Dad has become much frailer in the past year or so. We have a nurse at home for him, to help him with toileting, mostly, and he has OP and PT. He seems happy, though to save $$, he wants to dismiss the nurse, and they have done so, on weekends.
This means my Mom is the unpaid nurse most of the time. She is vigorous, social, and happy to take care of him most of the time. But she doesn't like the toilet help (who does?) and knows that things are not going to improve with time. She'd be open to looking at senior residences--Dad would be safe; it would be much more affordable; and Mom could go out to lunch with a friend without worrying about Dad being alone.
Dad will have none of it. He wants to stay at home; he says he doesn't want to go to one of "those places." Well, who does? We (and Mom) tell him about the toll it's taking on Mom, and he is silent.
Financially, they could probably stay at home for another few years, with nurses (this is more expensive than even the fanciest senior residence). But it's very unfair to Mom. I'm starting to really dislike my Dad.
We don't know what to do.