One thing that annoys me about the way my mom approaches it is that she explicitly tells the kids (and us) that she is doing it to buy the kid's affection. Like she'll literally shower them with gifts and they say stuff like "Well I have to give you lots of gifts so you'll like me" or "Who is your favorite grandma now that you have all these great gifts?" It's horrendous. We call it out when she does it (especially the "who's your favorite" BS) and I've also talked to her specifically about how this is not a reflection of our values and that in the long run, trying to build a bond with our kids based on this kind of transaction doesn't make for a meaningful connection. She just looks at me blankly. She had abusive parents and her grandparents weren't present in her life. I don't think she'll ever get it.

But I think this is true for a lot of grandparents who do it. Yes, some just enjoy making their grandkids happy. No question. I mean, I feel that too when I'm buying gifts for my kids -- I have to intentionally limit myself because it's so easy to think "oh, they'd love that too!" But I think also a lot of grandparents are like my mom and they think they are buying love and don't really get that you can't buy love. It makes me sad.

My mom is the same way so I get your frustration. How old are your kids? I will say that it's gotten much better as they've gotten older. It's not as much fun to buy a hoodie as it is to buy toys. And things get way more expensive as they get older. And the older they get, the more they actually appreciate cash.

Give up, be gracious and accept the gifts. Donate them ( don’t throw them away) and move on.

My MIL is like this — think 20ish gifts for each kid at Christmas and lots of gifts for no reason throughout the year as well.

It’s annoying but gifting gives her a lot of joy and you only get to enjoy young grandkids (or kids) for a short period in life so we let it go and just donate the things we don’t want or store and save for another time. We also provide her a list in the hopes that she uses it (mixed results).

I think you should let it go and be grateful.

My grandmother was like this as a kid and I hated it.

Now my MIL is just like this and I fought it for years. It resulted in tears, hurt feelings, passive aggressiveness, and years of tense holidays. So I have completely given up. And it's fine. I try to offer really detailed wish lists for my kids and then let go of my guilt at donating the junk.

Why can’t you ask her?
Frame it very kindly and lovingly !
Make a suggestion of giving them grandma time coupons or something instead.

This is my parents. Gift giving is very much a love language for them when it comes to their grandkids. We argued for years and would get very upset when they showed up loaded down with gifts. We asked for experience gifts or 529 contributions instead but they wanted the fun of seeing our kids' excitement. It was selfish on their end more than anything.

They started trying to get around it by keeping some stuff in their suitcase and then not on Christmas morning but at other points during their visit say "Oh Larlo, look I found this and thought you'd like it" and just hand something to her. Covid helped, honestly, when for a year or two we didn't gather and now on the backside of Covid we're out of the toy stage and it's a lot less fun to gift hoodies and Starbucks gift cards.

My mother is like this but I'm firm with her and just say no.

Also, we do Christmas in our home. Grandparents are invited but don't host. That gives us a lot more leverage. Grandparents don't do kids stockings. I explicitly tell them in the lead up to the holiday "here's the kids list, here is what we are getting them, if you want to do one big present or 2-3 smaller ones, that's up to you." More than 3 gifts and I'd pull them aside before the morning and say "this feels like a lot for each kid to get -- we don't want to se this expectation and also our kids are so fortunate and truly don't need for much. can we save some of these for a birthday or another holiday?"

I've also explained to them that giving kids a lot of gifts at once tends to cheapen all the gifts. If they get 5 gifts (say 1 or 2 bigger toys, a new pair of shoes, some books, and some art supplies) they will play with/wear/use everything they get immediately and for months to come. If they get 20 gifts, 90% of them will get forgotten in the heap within a day because it's simply not possible to care about that many items at once.

The grandparents want to give the gifts that get used and loved, so this has been a compelling argument to giving fewer (but better, not junky) gifts, even though my mom's tendency is definitely very similar to your MIL's.

Anonymous wrote:We have the same issue with my mother-in-law, but you know what it makes her happy and honestly keeps her busy. If she can’t afford it, that would be another issue. We did have to be upfront though, because she will ask us where such and such item is when she visits and so DH says mom, we’ve told you we don’t use those items so we donate them if you give them to us. She still continues to do so ….so whatever.

This is the right approach: tell the person what you think about their behavior in a courteous way, and if that doesn't change their behavior, deal with it another way. If they ask where the stuff is, tell them it's donated. If they get weird about it, that's THEIR problem, not yours.

OP, you're at the beginning of your parenting journey. Take it from me, someone with kids in college, you will have many other battles to fight. This isn't worth having conniptions over. You donate or get rid of stuff, and that's it.

Many, many gifts from a variety of my in-laws go straight into donations. Some of them might be valued by someone else.

We have the same issue with my mother-in-law, but you know what it makes her happy and honestly keeps her busy. If she can’t afford it, that would be another issue. We did have to be upfront though, because she will ask us where such and such item is when she visits and so DH says mom, we’ve told you we don’t use those items so we donate them if you give them to us. She still continues to do so ….so whatever.

Anonymous wrote:Just be grateful. And, donate it, including candy. Your throwing it away is worse, imo.

+1.

Stop nagging your husband about this.

Just smile and say thank you (and be sure to have your kids do the same) and donate the junk.

You don't get to control someone else's behavior. Donate the items and move on.

Just be grateful. And, donate it, including candy. Your throwing it away is worse, imo.

She finally stopped buying husband and I junk (scarves, hats, trinkets) and instead gives us gift cards (with a few pieces of junk in the stocking). I have been begging my husband for years to ask her to stop buying our kids so many gifts. I end up throwing them out because they don't play with them and it takes up space, or it's crap like candy. I don't want them to think Christmas is about gifts (it should be about being together!) DH has refused my requests to ask her to stop buying them SO many gifts. She buys them about 10 gifts, 1-2 from my BIL and then we may do a few. That's nearly 20 gifts and just not the kind of holiday I envision. I wonder why it's better for him to deal with my nagging of "too many gifts! please stop it!" versus him having a simple conversation "hey mom, we're going to focus on only a few bigger gifts this year".

Anyone else?