+ don't use it as means to control or manipulate them.

There are no rules. Do what works for your family, finances and circumstances. You aren't obliged to support them after 18 but there is no reason to not do it if you can, want to, they need it, feel okay accepting it and wouldn't abuse this privilege.

DS lived at home until he was 27. Came and went as he pleased. Paid rent, saved money to buy a house and moved out.

Both my adult kids moved back in at the start of the pandemic - they lived with us for 18 months and 2 years, respectively.

Your DH needs to shut up unless he wants to ruin his relationship with his wife and son.

My kids are 23 and 18. My oldest is finishing last year of college, and my youngest just started an apprenticeship in plumbing. They can live with me as long as they need to.

Housing is expensive. As long as they want or need to.

In my UMC neighborhood, they live at home 3-5 years if they have a remote or commutable job. They save enough for a down payment on something. It is a nice way to start off on a solid financial footing.

Question: if 20 year old kid was attending college and living at home (either full-time or over breaks), would DH have the same attitude? 20 seems pretty reasonable to still need to live at home.

Your kid is only 20? We have four kids. Three were issue free growing up, went to great colleges, yet still lived at home after college (and were well older than 20) for a while after graduation. The fourth had plenty of issues growing up and took forever to get through college and lived with us off and on until she was at least 30. Now she’s fine - recently got a masters degree and a good job. And we never charged any of them any rent.

20 is awfully young to be fretting about this.

I have 4 AC

27 year old move out at 19 because he joined the armed forces .

26 year old move out 2 years ago with girlfriend and they are both working full time able to take care of themselves.
24 year old move out, but moved back in because she hated living alone
22 year old just graduated from college and its working full time never asked him that question yet.
none of them were kicked out

90%
of GEN Z 26 years old are living at home.

not kicking them out, they are free to live when ever they want. they can 89+ or at 23 either way its fine.

Your husband is being completely unreasonable. Your child is only 20, for Gods sake, and he’s had to deal with serious mental health issues during his formative years. Nonetheless, he’s working nearly full time and paying you rent. He sounds like a responsible young adult who is doing his best to deal with his issues and find his way in the world. A lot of parents in your situation would be thrilled at his progress. Your son needs positive reinforcement at this point in his life, not judgmental disparagement that implies that he’s a loser.

I’m not sure where you’re coming from with the question “In white upper-middle income families, what would “normal” look like?” In my experience, too often ‘normal’ in that environment means emotionally fragile kids who have been pushed to the edge by the unreasonable expectations of their parents to be perfect. That can lead to tragic outcomes. You sound like you’re doing a good job giving your child the room he needs to grow. Just my humble opinion as a parent, but your husband could really benefit from some counseling. Good luck to your family.

Considering mental health issues, tread lightly. Casually mention to DH that psychiatric care is scarce and expensive. Mine moved out at 25. Adhd, for example, delays maturation, so I did not push the issue. Times did change.

My 20yr son had some severe mental issues as a kid and teen which he’s now got a good handle on. He didn’t want to go college and is working almost FT, has a couple friends, lives at home and pays us $300 month for rent. We’re saving that $$ for when he decides to move out. We plan to increase his rent to eventually get him to $1000, which is what he’ll need to live on his own.

He’s easy to live with and I figure in 3 years he’ll be ready to move out. My husband makes snide remarks that our son is “living in our basement.” DH is old school, moved out at 18. (Didn’t go college but landed very good job.)

I keep telling DH that times have changed and that lots of young adults live with parents through early twenties.

In white upper-middle income families, what would “normal” look like?