*and have

Anonymous wrote:1. Wildly physically attracted
2. Same religion and attitude about religion
3. Was close to family and considered family important
4. Had same attitudes about money
5. Was not ambitious about career but understood that career and supporting yourself are important and was generally responsible
6. Had healthy, happy relationships including lots of close male friends and a best friend
7. Funny, fun to be around
8. Came from a family where his dad was an equal partner and mom worked

Hasn’t been a perfect husband but we are still married 16 years later

This doesn't say much as most divorces happen in people of similar religion and actually more women who work and working moms divorce.

1. Wildly physically attracted
2. Same religion and attitude about religion
3. Was close to family and considered family important
4. Had same attitudes about money
5. Was not ambitious about career but understood that career and supporting yourself are important and was generally responsible
6. Had healthy, happy relationships including lots of close male friends and a best friend
7. Funny, fun to be around
8. Came from a family where his dad was an equal partner and mom worked

Hasn’t been a perfect husband but we are still married 16 years later

Anonymous wrote:Spend a lot of time with them in many different situations including with family. It’s not something you can do in six months so be prepared for at least a year. You want to see how they respond to the good, the bad and the ugly.

This^.

Not time for that. Had moved between continent several times and didn't go to college where they live in the dorm and hang out with other students. Finally clock was ticking. I was never going to get married or have kids if I had to wait for a compatible man.
Two kids later all are happy. Happy not to have to live with anyone but my kids.

Our Venn diagrams overlapped at least 50 percent in the main categories. Level of kindness, type of humor, finances, energy levels, types of friends, work drive, sex drive, urge to volunteer, homes, cleanliness, food, style, music, what we consider fun, etc.

1. The vibes.

2. Shared life goals - children, financial stability (save-your-pennies financial stability, not financial stability from being high earners), etc.

3. No red flags.

I had a few specific requirements. Member of our niche religion - which would then imply a shared cultural identity and identical values/life view. Wanted tall, dark, handsome. Nerdy personality but athletic. These guys make great dads who stay loyal, but are still sexy. And nerds are often high earners in the workplace.

Spend time with them around their friends. Spend time with them around their family. Spend time with them around their pets (or yours) unless you don't want pets. Go for trips. Throw a party together. Plan and execute a meal together. Go out to a sit-down restaurant together. Date through at least one holiday you care about.

Use the relative mate value checklist.

The goal is to minimize the difference in scores (1-10) overall and within a category.

1. Emotional stability
2. Physical attraction
3. IQ
4. Social class
5. Honesty and humility

Ideal score: same composite score and low variation (+/- .5) within categories.

Large variation in relative scores predict future trouble.

Anonymous wrote:How do you know you are compatible with someone you are looking to marry?

Compatability implies a shared system of core values and goals. I'm assuming attraction is there or else why bother?

So first you have to decide what your own core values are. Then you need to live those values and not waste any time with people who don't share them.

Are you honest? Trustworthy? Kind? Curious? Fair? Nurturing? Loving? Ambitious? You need to try to be the kind of person you would like to attract

There is no magic formula. You often won't see a person's true character except during adversity of some kind. That is typically not the stuff of romance novels or romance coms.
.
You need to be a good judge of character.

It takes time.

I didn't have any list of boxes to check - sometimes you just know. Married 18 years.

Go somewhere where you can spend time with them. Just the two of you, no outside entertainment. How long would you last?

My husband and I dated long distance, so we spent in person together maybe 4 weeks total before we got married, but it was just us. When the Covid lockdown happened, I realized that he is the only person with whom I could spend several months in a complete isolation. We still think of that time fondly.

Married for 15 years.

Spend a lot of time with them in many different situations including with family. It’s not something you can do in six months so be prepared for at least a year. You want to see how they respond to the good, the bad and the ugly.

How do you know you are compatible with someone you are looking to marry?