We don’t go to the ILs for Xmas because it was clear it was going to be done their way with no changes whatsoever.
I really didn’t want to never have any of my childhood traditions again. So we celebrate at home with our kids with a mix of DH’s and my traditions.

I think you should be willing to have your Christmas evolve just a little bit with the new family member.

Give them enough space. The couple needs easy access to a car, to get away some, go explore. If visitors ever mention something that takes them out of house, don't question it. They may be wanting a walk by themselves.

Be interested in his/her family and their traditions.

Just being warm and kind. Nothing super special. She had little money so we stocked her pantry and fridge and I bought her some new clothing.

I would ask ahead about any traditions/food we can incorporate. Make sure there are no allergens they are susceptible to. And listen and observe to learn what they like and dislike over the course of their visit.

Some things that really went poorly- I brought a side dish and a dessert to share. They were snubbed and not let at the table for Thanksgiving/Christmas. It wasn't anything weird either, I'm a good cook and it was my family's recipe. DH's grandma's words really stung. Flash forward 15 years- I just show up, don't bring anything (dh can make something if he wanted to), eat what I'm served and smile.
-I got told a lot of times those first few years that "we can't do that, it's not TRADITION", mostly from my SILs. We don't spend Christmas Eve or morning there any longer because I want to have input into what traditions my kids have. There wasn't space for me in theirs. If I want to read "The Night Before Christmas" to them on Christmas eve, I'm going to do that. Or if I want to open presents in the morning, we will (they opened in afternoon after everyone slept in and showered). Or if I want to use my kids' stockings that I made and stuff them myself, don't have competing stockings of your own.

TLDR- ask them what their traditions are, if they'd like to bring something to share and be flexible. This is not a new person just integrating into your holiday. Holidays grow and change too.

Ask her about traditions, and try to implement any/all.

Give her gifts/ornaments - whatever you exchange. If she seems like the person who might like something personalized/monogrammed, do that because it meant you did it in advance.

If you all have matching stockings, try to get her one, or get her a nice one, and fill it with nice stuff.

Ask her about herself. And, in advance, ask what she likes to eat for breakfast and if she has any dietary needs.

Try to make the guest room cozy with nice pillows, a lamp, and maybe a basket with small toiletries.

Have fun! I'll be so excited when this happens for us.

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine limiting access to fridge or pantry for any guest.

Haha. Previous advice poster here. Obviously my dad is not your son-in-law. Grandma was pretty reasonable but she got really mad when her cupboards got raided for crackers she planned to serve with wine and cheese at other parts of the day. If all the black olives get scarfed by the grandkids, then the olive tray is ruined for the two olives at T-day people. And when I was a babysitter, I never felt comfortable with the idea of pawing through somebody's entire fridge looking for "whatever I wanted" to "help myself".

Also there is a lot of grief that goes on in families regarding clean-up helping. Get that right from Day 1 and avoid a lifetime of petty holiday gripes. I once got in trouble for putting margarine back in the fridge after dinner. I didn't know it was safe to leave out because my "family of origin" was quite food safety phobic.

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine limiting access to fridge or pantry for any guest.

As a guest it would take me quite a while to help myself in your house... If this is their first visit, I would still be in hostess mode...offering drinks and supplying snacks. Over time, they would be treated less like a guest and have to fend for themselves.

I always ask guests what dish or other food item that they like on the holiday. I also ask about their traditions and what would make it seem more like that holiday to them.

Anonymous wrote:Ask her questions about her family traditions. Include her in yours- meaning give her a heads up about how things normally go. It may be hard for her to be away from family (or not).

+1. I was the last one to marry into DH's family, and his siblings had literally married childhood sweethearts but they made me feel very welcome. Talk about traditions, hers and yours. It was so thoughtful that even his siblings each had gotten me a small gift since it felt nice to be included in the presents under the tree. If your family all has matching stockings, consider making or buying one for her, especially if one day you envision doing that for grandchildren.

Of course all the other things that you'd normally do for a houseguest - help yourself to food, here's the linen closet if you need an extra blanket, and so on.

Anonymous wrote:I can't imagine limiting access to fridge or pantry for any guest.

While I agree that not limiting is better, as someone who grew up in a household where helping yourself from the fridge wasn't allowed, it was super stressful to go to someone's house and not have them explain their expectations. I remember going home with someone from college over Thanksgiving and basically not eating for 3 days, because they assumed I'd just help myself to leftovers, and it didn't even occur to me it might possibly be OK to take food from someone else's fridge. It wasn't until day 3 when my friend told me her mom was offended I wasn't eating her food that I realized what they expected.

So, yes, spell out your expectations. Even if you think the way you do it is obviously the right way.

I can't imagine limiting access to fridge or pantry for any guest.

Make sure you explain norms about help cleaning up after meals, whether it's okay to go in the cabinets and fridge between meals to get snacks, any of those little things that are highly family-specific rules.

If you wanted to be very kind and it will be a long visit, you might ask if the new in-law would like to add any of her traditions to the celebration. Then help get the supplies or arrange for it. For example a special cookie or going to a midnight Christmas service.

Breaking out old family photo albums and movies can be very fun if you haven't done that before.

Ask her questions about her family traditions. Include her in yours- meaning give her a heads up about how things normally go. It may be hard for her to be away from family (or not).

When you visited your future in-laws for Christmas, what they did or didn't do to make you feel like part of the family? How would you include your future DIL or SIL so they feel good to be there?