Anonymous wrote:It’s usually the cheater that is angry, emotionally abusive and critical with the betrayed spouse constantly walking on eggshells working double time to appease and wondering what is wrong.

^ this is more textbook

This! I bent over backwards to be as pretty, gentle, loving, connected etc as I could to try to “fix” what was wrong. Later I find out he was feeling extremely angry toward me. I’m like how and why didn’t you tell me?

I felt this trauma intensely for about 18 months, and then I literally didn't date for a decade. I just.. shut all that off.

I feel like I'm one of the lucky ones because I discovered proof right away and while the whole truth took a while to get (trickle truth) I knew enough with certainty on Day 1 to know my entire life was upended.

What makes me 1000000x more enraged are examples of truly crazy-making gaslighting that some partners engage in. To me, that is so much worse than a sexual betrayal. It takes something from selfish to evil when you see your spouse suffering, when you know their worries are spot on and their suspicions correct, but you decide to ipnthe ente on the emotional torture by implying that they are crazy to suspect betrayal.

My current DH has not technically cheated as far as I know, but he flat out lied and played the victim and made me feel crazy about a major, major lie for many months. The lie was awful but the WASTING my time, turning me into a frenzied sleuth to try to find the truth...I can't ever get that time and suffering back. I could have forgiven him for the initial lies. It's harder to try to forgive him for the associated emotional torture of gaslighting.

It’s usually the cheater that is angry, emotionally abusive and critical with the betrayed spouse constantly walking on eggshells working double time to appease and wondering what is wrong.

^ this is more textbook

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg PP I was the same way with my intuition! So much so that I asked point blank questions that looming back were spot on. And I would randomly cry all the time and feel angst in my body. But he lied so much that it wasn’t until I had evidence that I could actually resize I was right all along and not crazy.

Op: Yes! As soon as I found the evidence all the anxiety and spiraling thoughts just stopped for a while and I felt so relieved that I wasn’t going crazy. Now that some time has passed I’m back to the angst but it’s different in that it’s converting to anger.
This weeks set of horrible thoughts is just me thinking about how someone who said they love me could treat me with such contempt for so f$&king long! I feel like I don’t even know them, like what type of person could pull off such disciplined cruelty? It’s like they should’ve been wearing a brown uniform with two lightning bolts on the collar.

Maybe ask yourself if they have a reason to hate you?

Have you ever betrayed them, lied to them, mistreated them? Any reason why they might feel like this was deserved?

I'm not saying it is but if they indeed did an about face and went from loving you to not, things like that do not come out of the blue.

Not OP. Oh shut the f”k up.

They feel like it’s deserves because they are entitled and selfish, and often have mental issues or dysfunctional backgrounds.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg PP I was the same way with my intuition! So much so that I asked point blank questions that looming back were spot on. And I would randomly cry all the time and feel angst in my body. But he lied so much that it wasn’t until I had evidence that I could actually resize I was right all along and not crazy.

Op: Yes! As soon as I found the evidence all the anxiety and spiraling thoughts just stopped for a while and I felt so relieved that I wasn’t going crazy. Now that some time has passed I’m back to the angst but it’s different in that it’s converting to anger.
This weeks set of horrible thoughts is just me thinking about how someone who said they love me could treat me with such contempt for so f$&king long! I feel like I don’t even know them, like what type of person could pull off such disciplined cruelty? It’s like they should’ve been wearing a brown uniform with two lightning bolts on the collar.

Maybe ask yourself if they have a reason to hate you?

Have you ever betrayed them, lied to them, mistreated them? Any reason why they might feel like this was deserved?

I'm not saying it is but if they indeed did an about face and went from loving you to not, things like that do not come out of the blue.

Anonymous wrote:Omg PP I was the same way with my intuition! So much so that I asked point blank questions that looming back were spot on. And I would randomly cry all the time and feel angst in my body. But he lied so much that it wasn’t until I had evidence that I could actually resize I was right all along and not crazy.

Op: Yes! As soon as I found the evidence all the anxiety and spiraling thoughts just stopped for a while and I felt so relieved that I wasn’t going crazy. Now that some time has passed I’m back to the angst but it’s different in that it’s converting to anger.
This weeks set of horrible thoughts is just me thinking about how someone who said they love me could treat me with such contempt for so f$&king long! I feel like I don’t even know them, like what type of person could pull off such disciplined cruelty? It’s like they should’ve been wearing a brown uniform with two lightning bolts on the collar.

Omg PP I was the same way with my intuition! So much so that I asked point blank questions that looming back were spot on. And I would randomly cry all the time and feel angst in my body. But he lied so much that it wasn’t until I had evidence that I could actually resize I was right all along and not crazy.

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and what are your family life goals? Asking because my BFF lost several non refundable years of fertility to this emotional drain.

No more kids in either of our future.
The previous year was completely lost to anxiety because deep down I knew something was wrong but didn’t know I was being lied to, hundreds of lies by evasion, omission or just plain old stonewalling. I’d reach these crisis points every few weeks and I’d ask outright if they were seeing someone and they lied straight to my face and said no with a laugh. I was having dreams about them with others, I’m almost ashamed that I didn’t believe my own intuition because it was right on.

How old are you and what are your family life goals? Asking because my BFF lost several non refundable years of fertility to this emotional drain.

Anonymous wrote:On month 3 and think about it every day still. Wake up some nights thinking about it.

More than twenty years and it still rises. DCUM makes it worse.

On month 3 and think about it every day still. Wake up some nights thinking about it.

Lost a year of my life; I literally do not know what happened to that year. Thought of nothing else. Did not work, lost 14 pounds, got sick repeatedly. Second year was a bit better. Third year getting back to okay but I am still super messed up on the topic of what happened and how it affected me and my life and emotional makeup. What used to seem normal and good now seems doubtful and treacherous.

It’s said 3-5 years is the timeframe for healing.

For me debilitating for the first 8 months or so. Hard the second year. A bit lighter third year. Triggers are mostly gone now, but we’re brutal and if a show or book had infidelity (which is literally any tv movie or book), I’d spiral hard. I also thought about it all the time, virtually every minute, hour in the first year. It’s such a roller coaster of up and down. Post betrayal syndrome is real.

I finally found the term and set of symptoms that describe what I’ve been going through, is anyone able to offer any insights on how long it may last?