My parents definitely favor my first born son (daughter is a month so her rank is TBD) over the two older grandkids and I’m the daughter. But I think it’s more to do with their age (3 vs 9 and 12) and the kids’ personality (same interests as my dad—construction, trucks, etc). I also call them all the time to FaceTime and make the effort to get them memorable time with him whereas my brothers relationship with my parents isn’t close at all and he tries to avoid them despite living a mile away vs my 4 hours away. I think it’s a bunch of variables.

Anonymous wrote:Yes that is my hypothesis - they want to look out for the well-being of sil child. They already take him for long weekends and he just spent Thanksgiving week with them. They already get a lot of 1 on 1 time and will drive and pick him up. Mil made some comment on how she would love to do the same with our child but she won't be worried and can just be grandma.

it brought up conversations on us eventually moving near sil too. We very much do not want that. Not all for them but we don't want to live in their city/state. We also don't want the dynamic of living nearby and raising the kids together. We just have different priorities

So what’s the problem then? I don’t get it.

In my experience, yes. My MIL actually took care of her firstborn grandchild herself because the parents were unable to care for him. My parents have a particular regard for my firstborn, because he was premature with medical needs, and they well remember that time.

But I suppose this varies with families...

Yes that is my hypothesis - they want to look out for the well-being of sil child. They already take him for long weekends and he just spent Thanksgiving week with them. They already get a lot of 1 on 1 time and will drive and pick him up. Mil made some comment on how she would love to do the same with our child but she won't be worried and can just be grandma.

it brought up conversations on us eventually moving near sil too. We very much do not want that. Not all for them but we don't want to live in their city/state. We also don't want the dynamic of living nearby and raising the kids together. We just have different priorities

The issues that jump out at me are your child hasn't even been born, and they are concerned about how SIL is raising the child. They can't say it outright but part of it could be they want to keep a closer eye on the child. They might be more confident that you are responsible or just have no idea what to expect when your child arrives.

We're all guessing here and guess is that the ILs are concerned about the welfare of their grandchild and, possibly by extension, the welfare of their daughter. In mentioning it to, they're trying to figure things out.

Regardless of their motives, none of this ia a statement about how much they care about you and your child. I think most parents lean toward the child that is struggling. And it sounds like they're confident that you and DH are doing well.

Anonymous wrote:Some do, I think who the parent is matters more. If there is a golden child, their kid will be the one that matters.

Grandparent here. I think this is true in many cases. Our parents (well, our mother; our father never gave a shit about anything) definitely favored the children of their golden children, which served only to further divide them from their other children. Now that I’m a grandparent, I try hard not to do that. It’s interesting though - I’m still accused of it even when it’s not true. Families are so damned complicated.

I think parents are closer to the children of their own child they are closer to. And frequently for assorted reasons, as adults parents are usually closer to daughters.

Anonymous wrote:I think PIL are really saying that they want to be close to a daughter since it is traditionally daughters who do more caregiving to their parents. Even sons who are more involved don't tend to be as helpful because they (traditionally, things might be changing) think/worry about care as much. So they are using the excuse of being close to child as a way to move closer for themselves later in life.

OP, do you want the job of caring for them in old age?

*sons DON'T worry as much

I think PIL are really saying that they want to be close to a daughter since it is traditionally daughters who do more caregiving to their parents. Even sons who are more involved don't tend to be as helpful because they (traditionally, things might be changing) think/worry about care as much. So they are using the excuse of being close to child as a way to move closer for themselves later in life.

OP, do you want the job of caring for them in old age?

Where do you live and where is SIL? My parents favor their first grandchild, but when they retired moved to be closer to their younger grandchildren due to cost of living considerations.

Families are complicated so I wouldn't borrow trouble and make sweeping assumptions.

Some do, I think who the parent is matters more. If there is a golden child, their kid will be the one that matters.

OP, this is your issue. You’re trash talking your SIL and how she raises her kid. You’re jealous and being catty. Get over yourself.

By the way, seeing your in laws “every few months” is inconsistent with being “very close.”

No, my parents favored their second child and fourth grandchild.

Your child has yet to arrive. They are only talking about moving. You are borrowing problems that don’t exist and may never exist.

Will grandparents always favor the first born grandchild? Or their daughters children over their son's?

We are pretty close to DH parents. We talk every other day, we both make an effort to see each other every few months. Overall it's nice. They have confided in us that they have big problems with how sil is raising her toddler ( mainly the TV on 24/7 since he was born + they don't play with him or engage)

Recently on a call they were talking about moving near sil to be near their child after retirement. They don't want to miss any moments with this child and they want to be in his daily life. This stung a bit because there is never a mention to be near us. Delivering next year. I told DH it's just because they haven't met this kid yet and they aren't bonded to them like they are sisters kid. Also maybe they feel it necessary to help out more because they feel like they need it?

DH thinks the first is always first. He said it was the same with his grandparents - he was the first and is definitely the closest and favorite grandchild