OP I wholeheartedly agree with the advice you have gotten. Overtime I learned how to detach from the quicksand of their anxiety and anger, set boundaries, get outside professionals involved, put the family I created first and still find ways to enjoy my life.

Radical acceptance helped me. I hate the situation and it was awful and is awful, but I cannot change it and I need to accept life as it is and find ways to thrive despite that all the other things I have going on. Happiness is not conditional on everyone in your life being happy and healthy. You have to find things that bring you joy despite all that is happening and as cheesy as it sounds for me plenty of little things help me enjoy life like exercise, hiking in a beautiful setting, music, etc.

I'm sorry, OP.
I'm struggling to understand your hopelessness, and hope it's a temporary feeling. I could understand if YOU were diagnosed with an incurable degenerative disease! My mother developed Multiple Sclerosis before I was born, and I've lived with her progressively more debilitating state my entire life. My father is in vascular dementia, like his parents before him. But as other posters have said, your parents are not you.

You have to detach emotionally at all costs. Most people do that work naturally with time, when they see their parents decline. Perhaps you need to work with a therapist, and be evaluated for depression. My late FIL was bipolar, and my husband needed to entirely detach emotionally to take care of him at the end.

Most elderly persons, if they live long enough, will end up with some form of dementia. The rules are:
1. Make them as comfortable as you can and they accept.
2. There are no good solutions - just less bad ones.
3. Take care of yourself first.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Worst week of my life, feels like a transition period into the rest of of my days where I will exist and be dutiful but never be happy again. One parent has mid level dementia, other may be in early stages, personality is changing and acting helpless in weird ways. My next 10 years or so at a minimum will be dealing with this I assume. I am just going to exist now.

Well, this is all your choice, OP. Pretty pathetic, if you ask me. You aren’t your parents’ keeper. Just one element of a larger support system. You’re giving your life up pretty easily.

NP. You’re a shitty person. I just wanted you to know that.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I’ve been living this for a couple of years and I can empathize.

It’s good that you recognize it now. Take care of yourself, maintain your own space, and let your parents handle as much as they can. Recognize that you are in good company. Don’t let them hurt you if they get into an episode. Talk to them like young children. You can check in over the phone and at brief times weekly or biweekly or monthly and that’s plenty.

You’ll get used to it and over time it won’t be so intolerable.

Yeah it’s really important to maintain some emotional boundaries. For a long time I would talk to my mom and it was like her emotions were my emotions. If she was anxious and spiraling, depressed, then I was anxious and depressed. My parents are mid 80s and may potentially live another ten years and I just realized I can’t be anxious and depressed for the next ten years. I can be sympathetic but have to work really hard to not get sucked into the drama, the conflict. They were always difficult people and I did a good job of being polite, cordial but not close to them. The hardest thing about this stage is having to spend more time with them, to absorb the cruelty and abuse of an unfiltered old persons thoughts and the emotions.

Not exactly the same but I have a child who developed serious mental health issues and have had to adjust to the new person as well as the new life, which is the parent of a child who will never be independent - with the worry that I likely will die first. It’s really hard at first. The deep sadness. The itemization of the losses, whether actual or the loss of dreams and expectations. The change in lifestyle. The anger. The what if’s and isn’t there a miracle cure yet. Eventually it stops and you adjust to life as it now is. But it’s work and it’s work to figure out how to get out from under the cloud so you can have joy and satisfaction again. Just know that while you’re profoundly sad now, it will get better.

Sorry, OP. I’ve been dealing with one parent with mild dementia and another with Alzheimer’s for some time. I’m not gonna lie, there are bad weeks. But it stabilizes. Mostly. Then peaks. You need a team. Even if it is a good friend going through something similar. I also find support on Facebook groups. I don’t engage much but seeing it normalizes it for me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. It sounds like you're feeling hopeless, but I think you'll be able to get back to finding happiness again sometime. Do you have any siblings who can help shoulder some burden?

No, but I am not so much concerned about the burden, I can handle that, I am referring to emotional aspect.

It’s helped me to talk with friends who are going through the same thing with their parents. It’s not like engaging in a suffering Olympics. It’s more like sharing tips for dealing with dementia behaviors or sometimes just a sanity check for yourself. It helps to have someone you can ask “This is weird, right?” And they say “Yeah, it’s weird. My mom did it, too.”

OP, I’ve been living this for a couple of years and I can empathize.

It’s good that you recognize it now. Take care of yourself, maintain your own space, and let your parents handle as much as they can. Recognize that you are in good company. Don’t let them hurt you if they get into an episode. Talk to them like young children. You can check in over the phone and at brief times weekly or biweekly or monthly and that’s plenty.

You’ll get used to it and over time it won’t be so intolerable.

Anonymous wrote:I went through a week like this and remember the panic/despair well. My sympathies to you.

My life improved dramatically once I got my parents into a more stable situation with in-home care. Making that happen was a heavy lift and took months but now the care in place is operating and I feel I largely have my life back. Take it one day at a time and focus on your mental well-being and your own family and needs.

Thank you all for kind words. It is not the care aspect that is the issue I can handle that, it is the parents as you know them slipping away is the living nightmare (and dealing with the personality change is a unique horrible pain)

I went through a week like this and remember the panic/despair well. My sympathies to you.

My life improved dramatically once I got my parents into a more stable situation with in-home care. Making that happen was a heavy lift and took months but now the care in place is operating and I feel I largely have my life back. Take it one day at a time and focus on your mental well-being and your own family and needs.

I'm sorry OP. My mother has dementia and my father is very disabled. It's hard. Please try to find ways to enjoy your life here and there. Go take a hot bath or something. Take a walk.

Probably better you don't have siblings. All my siblings do is make things more complicated while I try to manage everything.

Anonymous wrote:Hugs, OP. It sounds like you're feeling hopeless, but I think you'll be able to get back to finding happiness again sometime. Do you have any siblings who can help shoulder some burden?

No, but I am not so much concerned about the burden, I can handle that, I am referring to emotional aspect.

Hugs, OP. It sounds like you're feeling hopeless, but I think you'll be able to get back to finding happiness again sometime. Do you have any siblings who can help shoulder some burden?

I’m sorry OP that you are going through this. Do your parents live near you?

Worst week of my life, feels like a transition period into the rest of of my days where I will exist and be dutiful but never be happy again. One parent has mid level dementia, other may be in early stages, personality is changing and acting helpless in weird ways. My next 10 years or so at a minimum will be dealing with this I assume. I am just going to exist now.