Anonymous wrote:The things you have described, are very typical ways for teens to assert themselves and their separate identity from you. I agree with others that you should screen him for depression and maybe ADHD sometimes kids can cope when they’re younger but problems come out as workload increases. Are you From a different culture that values obedience to parents more than in the United States?

I was wondering the same thing. I don’t think that English is the OP’s first language. The grammar seems a little off throughout the post.

He’s likely depressed. That’s often the cause of lazy and unmotivated. Please get him some help.

Why can't he wear baggy pants? Why does it matter? They are back in style. These are arguments it is not worth having with your kid.

Anyway, I agree with other posters that he could be depressed so if you haven't discussed medication, it might be time. But also, a LOT of this sounds like normal teen behavior. But I would fully address whether he is suffering from depression before sending him off.

The things you have described, are very typical ways for teens to assert themselves and their separate identity from you. I agree with others that you should screen him for depression and maybe ADHD sometimes kids can cope when they’re younger but problems come out as workload increases. Are you From a different culture that values obedience to parents more than in the United States?

Anonymous wrote:This is OP. Sorry, I made so many typos as I was dictating and my vision isn’t good.

We tried individual therapy, and then separate therapy courses for parents to cope with difficult behaviors.

This seems worse than normal. The child lacks motivation, and thus somehow we the parents let him down… I do understand that. He doesn’t want to do one sport he l He has been doing since the age of three… he wants to quit music…. He doesn’t read at night anymore…. He can’t get himself t to do the homework, unless he gets like 10 nice prompts and then raised voices and scolding ultimately… the other day he wanted to dress in the pan which is too big so that it looks baggy and down and again I had to raise my voice saying absolutely not… If we ask him to help around the house, he will just say no. He doesn’t want to help because he’s too tired.etc etc…

I just heard a lot of things that are bad about boarding schools and then after searching some I found one private military school that looks like a good deal even as it is very expensive. I will basically have to work in order to fund that school, which is actually OK with me. Maybe I am being very naïve, but I am thinking cold turkey change well actually deliver good outcomes. The structure and flexibility to make choices for yourself in terms of developing your interests and accomplishing something will help I am thinking. DH is not fully on board. He wants to continue and take one day at a time but my health has taken a really sharp downturn due to stress It is impacting my ability to just function….

This sounds pretty typical for a teen. Maybe back off a bit and focus on the things that really matter. Let him wear pants that are too big. Is he failing classes? If not, stop getting on him about school.

We looked into military schools because my kid was having serious issues and got in trouble with the police. I was surprised that I found one that would be a good fit, but when we looked at it more, we really thought it was best if he was on board. It wasn’t a strict reform school but more of a leadership college prep boarding school. We may go again and visit this summer, now that things are better and he might be interested in it for other reasons.

There are all kinds and I’ve known people who have sent their kids or been sent for discipline reasons as teens. I know one adult who said it was good and turned around his life. I know others who went back to their old ways after. Usually they were much more serious situations than parents being frustrated about waking up, chores and hw.

And meant to add specifically- quitting activities he has enjoyed in the past is one of the top signs of depression.

https://childmind.org/article/what-are-the-symptoms-of-depression-in-teenagers/

These are all signs of depression in your son and you sound like you may have signs of depression as well. This is hard! Please both of you get screened. Just sending him away may not solve anything.

This kid needs a full neuropsych exam first. He could be anxious, depressed, ADHD, etc. Please do this before you ship your kid off!!

No — it is clear he is just unmotivated. Or lazy…

He sounds depressed. Have you taken him to a psychiatrist to try out meds?

This is OP. Sorry, I made so many typos as I was dictating and my vision isn’t good.

We tried individual therapy, and then separate therapy courses for parents to cope with difficult behaviors.

This seems worse than normal. The child lacks motivation, and thus somehow we the parents let him down… I do understand that. He doesn’t want to do one sport he l He has been doing since the age of three… he wants to quit music…. He doesn’t read at night anymore…. He can’t get himself t to do the homework, unless he gets like 10 nice prompts and then raised voices and scolding ultimately… the other day he wanted to dress in the pan which is too big so that it looks baggy and down and again I had to raise my voice saying absolutely not… If we ask him to help around the house, he will just say no. He doesn’t want to help because he’s too tired.etc etc…

I just heard a lot of things that are bad about boarding schools and then after searching some I found one private military school that looks like a good deal even as it is very expensive. I will basically have to work in order to fund that school, which is actually OK with me. Maybe I am being very naïve, but I am thinking cold turkey change well actually deliver good outcomes. The structure and flexibility to make choices for yourself in terms of developing your interests and accomplishing something will help I am thinking. DH is not fully on board. He wants to continue and take one day at a time but my health has taken a really sharp downturn due to stress It is impacting my ability to just function….

Anonymous wrote:Do it. They will be grateful when they realize how good they had it with you.

Or never talk to them again. Could go either way.

I have no advice OP. I am sorry you are in this position. Have you thought about a regular boarding school? What you posted doesn't sound out of the realm of normal for tweens/teens. Does it feel worse than regular teen stuff? Have you tried family counseling/parenting classes or just individual therapy for the teen?

Do it. They will be grateful when they realize how good they had it with you.

* choose friends that are kind

Grateful for any info you could share about military school experience. Both parents feel like they are failing in providing good support to the tween. The house is filled with negative energy at all times, and this is not sustainable. Therapy didn’t help. The Hope is that the military school will provide a structure that the tween needs to succeed.
One example - the morning starts with a war as both parents try to wake up the tween so he goes to school on time. Evening time is the war to get the twin to do his homework…. And so on…

The team also appears to be choosing to hang out with the wrong crowd at school…. And of course, we have no control of that and our encouragement to pick friends that kind aren’t going anywhere…

Anyway, grateful to hear if military school helped you out…