Anonymous wrote:Is she asking you to set an ultimatum against him or take some antagonistic stance?
Do you think he is an alcoholic?
Are you uncomfortable having a conversation with him about this?

Yes[b]

OP here, well, we did call our son and he said he is quitting. So we didn't say anything about it. As for DIL, she is upset that we never replied her message. It's been 3 weeks since she reached out.

Is she asking you to set an ultimatum against him or take some antagonistic stance?
Do you think he is an alcoholic?
Are you uncomfortable having a conversation with him about this?

You should help, but it doesnt sound like you actually care, so your "help" will probably be more hurtful for DIL.

So you don't care if he lives or dies, then?

We found out recently that my brother has been an alcoholic for at least 12 years. Nobody in the family knew (except his wife). This came out because he was dramatically (and publically) caught drinking at his job, and he admitted it to my parents. Alcoholism runs in our family, and my parents supported my aunt through 2 stints in rehab. This is not their first rodeo, and I wish my SIL had reached out (we all have a good relationship) earlier.

I think you should ask your DIL how they need to be supported. Ultimately your son is an adult and there is only so much you can do, but, I would hear her out at least.

My parents were able to convince my brother to see a therapist (he didn't feel he needed a rehab program), get back on medication for anxiety and depression, and go to a gym regularly.

It's bizarre that you think this is "taking sides" as if it's a difference of opinion. Open your eyes. Your son's life is at stake.

If you do not help, she will divorce him. She might divorce him anyway. But she wouldn't be asking you if she wasn't desperate. Do you want her to divorce him? Go on ignoring the problem, then.

You son is an addict. If he was a drug addict would you not try to get him help?

There aren't sides to addiction. WTAF is wrong with you OP???

If your son was single, a drunk, losing his job, his friends, possibly driving drunk, would you intervene and get him help???

There's not actually much you can do to help unless your son really wants help and wants to change. My adult brother is an alcoholic and my parents bent over backwards for years to try to help him: hired someone to do an intervention, have paid tens of thousands of dollars for several in-patient treatment programs from which he always departs before the recommended course of treatment is over, paid for an apartment for him for 1.5 years so he could separate from his wife (toxic marriage that is making his problems worse), etc. Years later he continues to have a serious drinking problem and is still in the marriage that he acknowledges is toxic. At this point we (his sibilings and parents) have accepted that there's basically nothing we can do. He knows we love him and are here to help if he ever is serious about changing. Sorry you're in this position--it really sucks.

Yes.

If your DIL is asking for your help, it means you are already late.You should have offered help earlier with his alcoholism.

It’s not a marriage issue, or taking sides. It’s your son’s health and well being issue and your grandkids’ (if any) childhood and wellbeing issue. She’s asking you to help your son.

Anonymous wrote:Would you intervene if you adult son is an alcoholic and his drinking is causing health and marital problems and your DIL is seeking your help by saying she is going to divorce him and he needs help? Should you intervene or stay out of their way. We feel that this is something they have to work out, we can't take sides so we haven't replied to DIL's request for help yet. We feel like we should probably reply but don't know what to say.

Interesting that you view it as "taking sides". You seem to acknowledge that your son is an alcoholic, and that it is causing health and relationship problems. Acknowledging that isn't taking sides, it's just refusing to continue to enable.
Lots of folks recommend Al-Anon. I think it would be wise for both you and your DIL to reach out to them.

Why are you thinking about this? Of course you should help. You're not "intervening" and you don't need to take sides. You don't even know what she wants or needs. But your son is an alcoholic. You and his wife are who he has. Help him!

Um, this is about "sides," this is about your son's health and his life.

Get a grip. Face reality. Do your duty as a parent.

Yes.

The alternative is that your son gets divorced and he spirals down further. Would you continue to keep him at a distance if that happened?

What do you have to lose from getting involved now?

Would you intervene if you adult son is an alcoholic and his drinking is causing health and marital problems and your DIL is seeking your help by saying she is going to divorce him and he needs help? Should you intervene or stay out of their way. We feel that this is something they have to work out, we can't take sides so we haven't replied to DIL's request for help yet. We feel like we should probably reply but don't know what to say.