I would focus on getting the husband up to speed. I know it will take work and practice but it’s good for everyone - your child will know that more than just mom can keep him safe, you will get some breaks, and husband can increase his confidence working with son.

Anonymous wrote:Big hugs. I’m a pediatrician and a parent of an ADHDer. I think many of us have been there.

I would check back in with your pediatrician re: meds and see if you can get a referral to a pediatric psychiatrist/psych NP. There are many options and sometimes pediatricians aren’t skilled or knowledgeable enough to titrate psych meds. I have found this is more often the case with older colleagues (I am early 40s).

re the meltdowns, I think you may need to adjust your expectations of what your child is capable of. A crowded theatre where he doesn’t know what to expect and might be hungry or tired to me sounds like a recipe for disaster. Think about attending sensory friendly showings. But if it’s really only once every few months that he has a public meltdown, I think you need to expect that they will happen and make a game plan with your husband. If he is not willing to help with the meltdowns then maybe you don’t do big museum outings and focus on activities where there is an easy exit plan. I only now take my 10yo to museums. It was too stressful before. He is medicated fwiw and that has helped a lot with impulse control.

I would ask your parent coach about this. Perhaps hearing ideas from them will help your husband get on board.

DC has a feeding disorder. His BMI got down to the 13.9. As all stimulants suppress the appetite, the doctors at the med school where he receives treatment will not prescribe any stimulants until he is several years into recovery. He still has relapses in times of stress

Anonymous wrote:You had a tough day! It’s ok. You will bounce back.

From my experience (my DC is a young adult with ASD), your DC is doing good with meltdowns out of the home 3x year. That’s good! I don’t think you have to shut down all activity. But maybe only places you know for a while, or very short outings (ie museum but not add’l movie). 1-2 hr max. You know the places that DC feels most comfortable.

I think you & DH are arguing about semantics. Don’t worry about who is going to be point person, etc. is DC your only? Then next time you plan an outing with the three of you. If there is a meltdown, DH will be in charge of handing it physically - he may not want to when talking about it now, none of us do, but if it happens you deal.

There isn’t any medication for ASD. Let the idea that there is a magic med out there you are prevented from accessing that will fix all your issues - there isn’t one. Some may make things slightly better for some, but even then it is years of trying different meds. So you are not really missing out on anything.

You had a tough day, let yourself recover & you will feel better.

Yes. I was speaking to ADHD meds. Due to a separate medical issue, DC can only take Guanfacine. Sadly, the drug makes him wildly aggressive. I was trying to circumvent an argument about how stimulants are so helpful. I find that particular advice so triggering, as multiple professionals have told me that DC is not a good candidate.

Anonymous wrote:I worked really hard to identify antecedent behaviors so I could intervene early. I used to make a plan for absolutely everywhere we went. As soon as I walked in, I’d be scouting out a location where I could remove my son the second certain behaviors and reactions started. If/when he calmed enough we’d go back to whatever we were doing. If he couldn’t pull it together, we’d either stay at our quiet place or we’d leave when that was possible without incident. And a previous plan didn’t necessarily work again in the same location because crowds and other things that change in a given location would affect the suitability of the location.

Those were tough years for us. It got better. But I was always on duty because spouse didn’t recognize the early signs fast enough and son wasn’t as responsive as to me. I kept going out because I didn’t want to be stuck in our house and I felt like things would only improve with continued exposure. The key to this was identifying the antecedent and intervening immediately no matter how inconvenient.

Prior to having my kids, I worked with special needs kids who had serious behavioral problems.

Thank you for your response. This is what I’ve been trying to do, but couldn’t articulate.

Anonymous wrote:Big hugs. I’m a pediatrician and a parent of an ADHDer. I think many of us have been there.

I would check back in with your pediatrician re: meds and see if you can get a referral to a pediatric psychiatrist/psych NP. There are many options and sometimes pediatricians aren’t skilled or knowledgeable enough to titrate psych meds. I have found this is more often the case with older colleagues (I am early 40s).

re the meltdowns, I think you may need to adjust your expectations of what your child is capable of. A crowded theatre where he doesn’t know what to expect and might be hungry or tired to me sounds like a recipe for disaster. Think about attending sensory friendly showings. But if it’s really only once every few months that he has a public meltdown, I think you need to expect that they will happen and make a game plan with your husband. If he is not willing to help with the meltdowns then maybe you don’t do big museum outings and focus on activities where there is an easy exit plan. I only now take my 10yo to museums. It was too stressful before. He is medicated fwiw and that has helped a lot with impulse control.

I would ask your parent coach about this. Perhaps hearing ideas from them will help your husband get on board.

NP, and another pediatrician.

I'll echo the sensory friendly showings as something to think about, in part because meltdowns would be happening in more of a safe space. This might be a context to work on things, too, depending on the dynamic between you and your child.

Regal has showings: https://www.regmovies.com/static/en/us/promotions/my-way-matinee (look for state)
AMC: https://www.amctheatres.com/programs/sensory-friendly-films

List of Virginia autism-friendly activities: https://www.belikebuddy.com/virginia
Maryland: https://www.belikebuddy.com/maryland
Washington DC: https://www.belikebuddy.com/washingtondc

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Sometimes this can feel like giving in or giving up, and the activities may not be for him. But you can sometimes look as building on successes. It sounds like his meltdowns are very sporadic. If it happens in an autism-friendly setting, you are less likely to feel the pressure to fix it right away. You are not alone in this, and plenty of people are struggling with very similar situations.

Please know you have friends and are supported in many places.

You had a tough day! It’s ok. You will bounce back.

From my experience (my DC is a young adult with ASD), your DC is doing good with meltdowns out of the home 3x year. That’s good! I don’t think you have to shut down all activity. But maybe only places you know for a while, or very short outings (ie museum but not add’l movie). 1-2 hr max. You know the places that DC feels most comfortable.

I think you & DH are arguing about semantics. Don’t worry about who is going to be point person, etc. is DC your only? Then next time you plan an outing with the three of you. If there is a meltdown, DH will be in charge of handing it physically - he may not want to when talking about it now, none of us do, but if it happens you deal.

There isn’t any medication for ASD. Let the idea that there is a magic med out there you are prevented from accessing that will fix all your issues - there isn’t one. Some may make things slightly better for some, but even then it is years of trying different meds. So you are not really missing out on anything.

You had a tough day, let yourself recover & you will feel better.

Anonymous wrote:We were also at a museum. We’d seen a special exhibit and we’re going to see the movie. He’d done so well all morning.

Maybe two things were too much and caused an overload.

I'm sorry, OP. It's hard on days like this!

I don't have all the answers because we still go through this sometimes ourselves-although as dd is getting older, 9, it's gotten easier. I will say, I am a go go go person and that just does not work for dd. She just went to a movie for the first time ever yesterday, a sensory friendly showing. I don't think she could have handled another outing right before or after that, although she did good at the movies.

Based on what you wrote about your ds's meltdown, it sounds like an anxiety situation-crowded place, worried about the popcorn, had already been out-that's what I read it as.

I don't think it means you and he can never go out, I think that perhaps you will have to be ok with the idea that some places and situations are just too much and not really enjoyable for him. I defenitely prefer, when possible, to go to things during 'sensory friendly' events, where if dd has a problem, no one is judging and she's not the only one.

Is your ds willing and able to use headphones/earbuds in crowded places? That might help with sensory imput. My dd won't, but I know kids who do. My dd is in therapy also and she talks about these things with her therapist.

The dh is an issue. He absolutely should be helping get ds to a safe place if ds is having a problem. Just never going anywhere is not a solution, because it is good for our kids to get out and practice social skills. But he needs to help keep ds safe.

I worked really hard to identify antecedent behaviors so I could intervene early. I used to make a plan for absolutely everywhere we went. As soon as I walked in, I’d be scouting out a location where I could remove my son the second certain behaviors and reactions started. If/when he calmed enough we’d go back to whatever we were doing. If he couldn’t pull it together, we’d either stay at our quiet place or we’d leave when that was possible without incident. And a previous plan didn’t necessarily work again in the same location because crowds and other things that change in a given location would affect the suitability of the location.

Those were tough years for us. It got better. But I was always on duty because spouse didn’t recognize the early signs fast enough and son wasn’t as responsive as to me. I kept going out because I didn’t want to be stuck in our house and I felt like things would only improve with continued exposure. The key to this was identifying the antecedent and intervening immediately no matter how inconvenient.

Prior to having my kids, I worked with special needs kids who had serious behavioral problems.

Family therapy for bump on the log husband.

Big hugs. I’m a pediatrician and a parent of an ADHDer. I think many of us have been there.

I would check back in with your pediatrician re: meds and see if you can get a referral to a pediatric psychiatrist/psych NP. There are many options and sometimes pediatricians aren’t skilled or knowledgeable enough to titrate psych meds. I have found this is more often the case with older colleagues (I am early 40s).

re the meltdowns, I think you may need to adjust your expectations of what your child is capable of. A crowded theatre where he doesn’t know what to expect and might be hungry or tired to me sounds like a recipe for disaster. Think about attending sensory friendly showings. But if it’s really only once every few months that he has a public meltdown, I think you need to expect that they will happen and make a game plan with your husband. If he is not willing to help with the meltdowns then maybe you don’t do big museum outings and focus on activities where there is an easy exit plan. I only now take my 10yo to museums. It was too stressful before. He is medicated fwiw and that has helped a lot with impulse control.

I would ask your parent coach about this. Perhaps hearing ideas from them will help your husband get on board.

We were also at a museum. We’d seen a special exhibit and we’re going to see the movie. He’d done so well all morning.

We has one-on-one sessions at the Social Skills Center in Oakton.

Hugs to you. My kid is likely younger than yours and I also deal with this. He’s a big 5 year old. Today I took him to some museum that we have previously gone to and he loved and he started screaming and spitting so we had to leave. I’m currently 7 months pregnant and he’s too heavy for me to lift so I had to basically drag him across the floor. I find myself wishing we bought a nicer house a few years ago because I am slowly becoming a prisoner with him at home. My DH works all the time so is never available to take him places with me but does “helpfully” pop up to criticize me for not playing with him enough at home despite me being exhausted from you know being in my third trimester and working full time. May I ask what type of parent coaching you’ve done?

I’m going to respectfully ask that people not comment on this thread unless they have an autistic child or work with autistic individuals in a professional capacity.

I had the WORST day with my ASD 1/ADHD child. HUGE meltdown in public due to anxiety over something small. We’d bought popcorn for a movie and we waiting in line. He later said he was afraid that we’d eat it all before the movie, but that’s not what he was able to tell us in the moment. He said one angry sentence about how he wasn’t holding the bag and then BOOM. We were in line in an enclosed space, so I felt that we had to leave, as people couldn’t give us room. I had to take kid home, and he’s getting too heavy to lift. Yes, he’s getting multiple interventions per week, yes he has an IEP, yes we’ve gotten years of parent coaching. We cannot take any meds due to the side effects exacerbating another complicating diagnosis. That’s not my decision; that’s the decision of multiple professionals whom I trust.

After today, I told my husband that I can no longer be the parent who takes the kid outside when he’s melting down. I’m simply not strong enough. Kid almost pushed me down the stairs. DH is not willing to be the point person, even though I said I would assist him. I’ve often been the go-to parent in the past. DH said he doesn’t want to do that and would rather leave the kid at home. The sad thing is that kid has more good days than bad, but progress is so slow. Barring a miracle, this will be our life for years to come. Does kid just not to get to do fun things he enjoys? Kid hasn’t had a meltdown in public like this in months. It happens maybe 3x a year in public, but more often at home. We’re planning to talk to our parenting coach, but I’d like to hear from the community. Do you just not take your ASD kid places? I feel like that’s an over reaction, but I did come down heavy on dh this afternoon. I was worried one of us would get hurt, and it would have been safer if he’d helped me.