Anonymous
11/06/2023 09:45
Subject: Favoritism
My ILs have a black sheep.
My husband has always been his mother's favorites, and has become more so in her old age, because he lives the furthest, manages her money and also, as a doctor, manages her care. Another of her sons is appreciated because he provides emotional support.
What saddens me is that the oldest son has done the most for my MIL in terms of daily care and involvement, but extraordinarily, he's always been the black sheep. He has a kind heart, and maybe he seeks validation from friends and relatives by being a super-helper to all (he helped us out in the past, and I'm very grateful). But it doesn't make his mother like him any better, and that makes me sad. She will call me, and start criticizing him and his wife, and all I can do is gently remind her that they must have reasons to do what they do (apparently not what MIL thinks they should do), and that they are kind and generous people. MIL agrees with me... then continues to criticize!
Sigh.
Anonymous
11/06/2023 09:34
Subject: Favoritism
I got in a fight with my dad when I was in high school and it all came tumbling out. My dad was jealous of me as an infant because I took my mother's attention from him. He's always been an only child and had never had to share before. She admitted that she couldn't leave me with him as a baby because he'd put me in my crib, close the door and let me scream. He had zero interest in me. He never wanted me, despite being a planned pregnancy.
My brother came along a few years later--a boy who was athletic like him. He used my brother to live out all his dreams of being a star athlete. He was dotted on always.
I was bookish and smart, but not athletic, on top of being a girl. He wanted nothing to do with me. My mom protected me somewhat, but also wanted my father's favor and enjoyed the loving "family" that they made without me.
Growing up I didn't know why I was overlooked and ignored, so I'd act out to try to get attention. I didn't know why I was treated the way I was. They pretended that it was all in my head and if I was just "better" I'd be loved like my brother. Yeah. That was crap.
My brother came along a few years later--a boy who was athletic like him. He used my brother to live out all his dreams of being a star athlete. He was dotted on always.
I was bookish and smart, but not athletic, on top of being a girl. He wanted nothing to do with me. My mom protected me somewhat, but also wanted my father's favor and enjoyed the loving "family" that they made without me.
Growing up I didn't know why I was overlooked and ignored, so I'd act out to try to get attention. I didn't know why I was treated the way I was. They pretended that it was all in my head and if I was just "better" I'd be loved like my brother. Yeah. That was crap.
Anonymous
11/06/2023 09:34
Subject: Favoritism
Anonymous wrote:My sister by both parents.
I don't know why she's not that great. Like think I'd kind of get it if she was just super great.
Butshes always been a self centered while.
Our lives literally revolved around her and her moods. I remember a Christmas I got a lava lamp and she didn't and she pouted about it. I was 13 and she was 21 and had zero interest in lavs lamps. I didn't either but my parents didn't know or care about my interests do
I've got stories for days
And it's not like it was a case like pp mentioned where she was born fragile. I was the premature infant.
The only thing I can think of is they hyper focused on her after my parents lost a child in between us and they had trouble bonding with me because my birth triggered memories of the child that passed. Doesn't explain why they ignored their first born and only son though.
This is also a generational curse on both sides of the family. Both of my grandmothers played favorites and my parents were the favorite so it's normal to them.
It's so incredibly damaging to families and to children
It infuriates me when people say it's no big deal.
Thank God my husband is from a healthy family.
+1
The posters blaming the innocent child are sick, and obviously benefit from being the favored child, who are trying to derail the thread. They want to pretend other sides of the story do not exist. Favoritism is generational, pretending it is not does not make it so.
Anonymous
11/06/2023 09:19
Subject: Favoritism
Yes, there is extreme favoritism. Sometimes it overt and other times more subtle.
As an overt example, I'm the oldest and when I turned 18 my parents stopped buying me Christmas presents. They said they needed to save their resources for "the kids." I'd come home from college and spend Christmas morning watching my teenage siblings open laptops, dSLRs and iPhones while I got nothing (despite having used my minimum wage job to purchase presents for everyone else). I learned a few years later that this "rule" only applied to me and my siblings continued to get extravagant Christmases for years after turning 18, while I'd still get nothing or a token pair of socks. It was hurtful and humiliating. If you ask my mom, who purchases the presents, it's because I'm so self sufficient that I don't need presents, I can just work and buy things for myself.
There are a million more examples, but that's one that's easy to tell.
As an overt example, I'm the oldest and when I turned 18 my parents stopped buying me Christmas presents. They said they needed to save their resources for "the kids." I'd come home from college and spend Christmas morning watching my teenage siblings open laptops, dSLRs and iPhones while I got nothing (despite having used my minimum wage job to purchase presents for everyone else). I learned a few years later that this "rule" only applied to me and my siblings continued to get extravagant Christmases for years after turning 18, while I'd still get nothing or a token pair of socks. It was hurtful and humiliating. If you ask my mom, who purchases the presents, it's because I'm so self sufficient that I don't need presents, I can just work and buy things for myself.
There are a million more examples, but that's one that's easy to tell.
Anonymous
11/06/2023 09:16
Subject: Favoritism
My sister by both parents.
I don't know why she's not that great. Like think I'd kind of get it if she was just super great.
Butshes always been a self centered while.
Our lives literally revolved around her and her moods. I remember a Christmas I got a lava lamp and she didn't and she pouted about it. I was 13 and she was 21 and had zero interest in lavs lamps. I didn't either but my parents didn't know or care about my interests do
I've got stories for days
And it's not like it was a case like pp mentioned where she was born fragile. I was the premature infant.
The only thing I can think of is they hyper focused on her after my parents lost a child in between us and they had trouble bonding with me because my birth triggered memories of the child that passed. Doesn't explain why they ignored their first born and only son though.
This is also a generational curse on both sides of the family. Both of my grandmothers played favorites and my parents were the favorite so it's normal to them.
It's so incredibly damaging to families and to children
It infuriates me when people say it's no big deal.
Thank God my husband is from a healthy family.
I don't know why she's not that great. Like think I'd kind of get it if she was just super great.
Butshes always been a self centered while.
Our lives literally revolved around her and her moods. I remember a Christmas I got a lava lamp and she didn't and she pouted about it. I was 13 and she was 21 and had zero interest in lavs lamps. I didn't either but my parents didn't know or care about my interests do
I've got stories for days
And it's not like it was a case like pp mentioned where she was born fragile. I was the premature infant.
The only thing I can think of is they hyper focused on her after my parents lost a child in between us and they had trouble bonding with me because my birth triggered memories of the child that passed. Doesn't explain why they ignored their first born and only son though.
This is also a generational curse on both sides of the family. Both of my grandmothers played favorites and my parents were the favorite so it's normal to them.
It's so incredibly damaging to families and to children
It infuriates me when people say it's no big deal.
Thank God my husband is from a healthy family.
Anonymous
11/06/2023 09:06
Subject: Favoritism
Anonymous wrote:No favoritism in mine, but I saw it in my husband’s and was pretty shocked since it was such a foreign concept to me growing up.
Do your siblings feel the same?
I have a sibling who makes this claim and she is in fact the favorite.
Anonymous
11/06/2023 09:05
Subject: Re:Favoritism
Anonymous wrote:I’m one of seven children and I think that my mother does have a favorite but not obnoxiously so. One brother had a birth disability that required numerous surgeries so she was always very involved with him. He’s done so well in so many areas that it is inspirational so he may be everyone’s favorite.
Not sure this favoritism. Your brother has a disability that required extra care
Anonymous
11/05/2023 22:53
Subject: Favoritism
I forgot the part about what I would say to my parents. You cannot reason with my mother. She gaslights and re-writes history. She hates witnesses and my friends over the years and husband have observed some disturbing stuff when she felt comfortable. So there is absolutely nothing that can said. Distance is the only option. I stupidly tried gently and kindly to address so many things over the year and all I heard was I was crazy/ungrateful/selfish/too sensitive/disturbed and I heard/saw/remembered wrong.
Anonymous
11/05/2023 22:06
Subject: Favoritism
Yes, my mom used to speak to my brother and I about just how amazing our sister was in every way. It didn't matter that her behavior was downright evil at times-she brought mom glory with awards and academic achievements. When teachers complained she "backstabbed" peers and did other concerning things they figured teachers were jealous.
I have posted before about this, but I still have not come to terms with how awful mom was when my brother was dying yet my sister gets an outpatient surgery and the world must stop.
Don't even get me started with the money games and the favoritism with grandchildren. We distanced ourselves and it was the best decision. I couldn't stand up for myself growing up, but I will protect my husband and kids from this nonsense.
I have posted before about this, but I still have not come to terms with how awful mom was when my brother was dying yet my sister gets an outpatient surgery and the world must stop.
Don't even get me started with the money games and the favoritism with grandchildren. We distanced ourselves and it was the best decision. I couldn't stand up for myself growing up, but I will protect my husband and kids from this nonsense.
Anonymous
11/05/2023 21:40
Subject: Re:Favoritism
I’m one of seven children and I think that my mother does have a favorite but not obnoxiously so. One brother had a birth disability that required numerous surgeries so she was always very involved with him. He’s done so well in so many areas that it is inspirational so he may be everyone’s favorite.
Anonymous
11/05/2023 20:42
Subject: Favoritism
I was the scapegoat in my family (alcoholic mother and stepfather). My sister was the enabler. I think you can guess who was the favorite. I was treated very poorly, and my sister and I were pitted against each other by my stepfather for sport.
Anonymous
11/05/2023 20:32
Subject: Favoritism
My sister is my mom's favorite. She never tried to hide it at all. Bought her things didn't get me anything spent time with her not me. Treated me very poorly.
Anonymous
11/05/2023 20:12
Subject: Favoritism
No favoritism in mine, but I saw it in my husband’s and was pretty shocked since it was such a foreign concept to me growing up.
Anonymous
11/05/2023 19:47
Subject: Favoritism
I’m the only and favorite child. I’d better be! 
Anonymous
11/05/2023 19:44
Subject: Favoritism
Do you have favoritism in your family? Are you the favorite (or not)? Why (why not)?
What are some acts of favoritism you have seen in your family?
What would you say to your parent/s, if you could (about this topic)?
What are some acts of favoritism you have seen in your family?
What would you say to your parent/s, if you could (about this topic)?